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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stick my nose in with harassed mum hitting toddler

230 replies

RosyPrimroseface · 11/07/2018 14:05

In the road the other day my DS was on my shoulders and he suddenly said "Why that mummy hitting girl?" I turned and saw a woman across the road slapping a girl (aged about 3).

It wasn't very hard but the girl obvs was crying a lot. And as DS noticed first, she had evidently hit her more than once, as i saw one and he the other.

I called across "Did you just hit her?!" in a voice which was definitely judgemental. And posh and annoying i expect. She said "I gave her hand a tap!"

I said "That's not good. It's not ideal."

Now. I was twatty and irritating. I didn't make life easier for the girl; as her mum then was even grumpier. Nor the mum, who was angry and gave me a bit of abuse, naturally. I don't think I should have commented.

But - I don't think it's ever ok to hit children, and maybe if there's more reaction from bystanders it will become generally less acceptable??

Or am i just a busybody? Interested to see balance of views.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers1 · 11/07/2018 14:08

If she was repeatedly hitting her crying daughter I think I might have said something, but then I can be a busybody too!

Although, if this was an abuse situation, you were right in saying you probably made it worse. However, if she just very much lost her temper and so was hitting her child (unacceptable IMO) I daresay she won't do it again.

Littlechocola · 11/07/2018 14:09

Well done. Both for commenting and for reflecting on it.

Vitalogy · 11/07/2018 14:11

Maybe try "Do you need some help", might get thrown back at you but still.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 11/07/2018 14:13

I told a dc off for swearing at the new park last night. His dm was in ear shot and I have no regrets.
He was about 4 and announced more than once that the water in the splash area was mother fucking cold!! Shock

Trinity66 · 11/07/2018 14:14

I probably wouldn't have said anything but I hate when parents do this. It's such lazy parenting imo I don't see how people can justify hitting small kids but think hitting an adult is wrong. makes zero sense to me

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 11/07/2018 14:18

Just remembered I rang the police once on a woman who was repeatedly ramming her dc into a shop glass front. Ran shivers down me if she could do that in public what that poor dc suffered at home.

EssentialHummus · 11/07/2018 14:20

I don't know. In an ideal world I'd go over and offer to take her DD so the mum can take a breath and calm down, but there are lots of ways in which that can go wrong. I'd say/do something though.

Merryoldgoat · 11/07/2018 14:22

I saw a man hit his son on the back of the head twice on the way to school and shouted at him to stop. I posted about it on here as I was quite shaken up and got told I was a busybody and other such things. A few people agreed but most said I was interferring and it was none of my business.

I disagreed then and still do. Hitting children (or ANYONE) is wrong and I’ll call it out when I see it.

I’d have done the same as you.

ConciseandNice · 11/07/2018 14:23

I think you used the wrong words and that could incite things to become worse. There are better ways. But...you were right to say something, hitting others is never ok.

leighb23 · 11/07/2018 14:26

So what do you saints do when your child is pushing all the buttons then, cos I would dearly love to know!

Merryoldgoat · 11/07/2018 14:28

Depends on where I am but I exercise the same control as when a colleage, manager, friend etc. pushes my buttons.

I’m guessing you don’t think it would be ok to hit them?

EssentialHummus · 11/07/2018 14:29

leigh mine's only still little, but if need be she goes into a safe place so I can go into another room and breathe a bit. Or to my very obliging downstairs neighbour!

Marmablade · 11/07/2018 14:29

So what do you saints do when your child is pushing all the buttons then, cos I would dearly love to know!

Never ever ever hit them! Shout/scream/walk away but never ever hit.

upsideup · 11/07/2018 14:32

So what do you saints do when your child is pushing all the buttons then, cos I would dearly love to know!

If you're hitting your children then thats the reason they are pushing all your bottons, they won't end up liking or respecting you.
Eventually you may be able to make them terrified of you though.

JuJu2017 · 11/07/2018 14:33

Is it possible that the kid wasn’t listening and nearly got hit by a car so mum tapped her out of panic? So judgemental it’s unreal

blackteasplease · 11/07/2018 14:33

Never ever ever hit them! Shout/scream/walk away but never ever hit.

^^
This! I'm no saint and have resorted to shouting etc but never hit. It's just a line that I wont cross because it hurts them, it shows them violence is acceptable, it makes them afraid of the adult and it's a betrayal of their trust.

I do intervene when I see an adult hitting a child, especially if it hurts, nd have been called all sorts.

blackteasplease · 11/07/2018 14:34

If it's not reasonable to correct the behaviour in question it's also illegal!

Trinity66 · 11/07/2018 14:35

So what do you saints do when your child is pushing all the buttons then, cos I would dearly love to know!

Who knew only Saints didn't go round hitting people that annoyed them....oh but sorry it's only little people you hit, I assume you manage a bit of self control around adults who might hit you back

RayRae19 · 11/07/2018 14:36

Agree with other posters, maybe not the best wording (but who does always say things the best way in the heat of the moment!), perhaps offering help would have been the best way to sound less judgemental.

But if nobody ever calls out wrong behaviour then it will carry on. I'd rather be a busybody than stand by and watch. Maybe that mum will go away and wonder if there's a different way or ask someone else for help and support. In which case it's worthwhile x

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 11/07/2018 14:39

Juju Ah yes, the car defence, I wondered when someone would bring that up. There was probably a hot stove in the street as well.

Yokohamajojo · 11/07/2018 14:41

So what do you saints do when your child is pushing all the buttons then, cos I would dearly love to know!

^

I bet you are going to say that it's only a tap on the hand etc etc, what do you do if your buttons get pushed a bit more! Are you going to escalate the violence or wouldn't it perhaps be better to find a better strategy so you don't have to resort to violence to begin with? You don't have to be a saint not to hit children, it's common sense! Wouldn't hit my dog or my cat my husband either

Takfujimoto · 11/07/2018 14:43

leighb23

It's quite easy to not hit a child, if you have done this or resort to 'smacking' your kids about go and get some parenting classes, gp or Heath visitor should be able to help you.

Would you be as dismissive about a man hitting his wife when she 'pushes his buttons'?

Children are not perfect little robots that do as you wish, they're little humans that learn from you and their society, if you can't cope with normal behaviour however annoying without resorting to physical violence then it's you who has the issue, not the child, maybe you could do with a smack ey?

haribosmarties · 11/07/2018 14:43

you were right to say something but probably better to offer to help....

Hopefully she will think twice before doing that again in public... id however be worried that shed take her stress out more on the child in public after a comment like that...

I slapped my son on the hand once as hed pulled away from me and ran out into the road and nearly got hit by a car.... it was a v stressful day, I had to get to the midwife was heavily pregnant and the way down to the road from our house is actually quite precarious (no pavement at bottom of steep steps etc) and I had his pram and my bag and this big belly....
Id have really appreciated an offer of help but I think someone just wandering up and criticising me would probably have just made me have some kind of breakdowm

sockunicorn · 11/07/2018 14:45

So what do you saints do when your child is pushing all the buttons then, cos I would dearly love to know!

Depends what they have done, but at 3(ish) probably wait for them to finish their rant then ask if they were quite finished. Then explain to them it was naughty, they look ridiculous and they werent getting whatever they were kicking off for as that method doesnt work. Then ask them to explain to me why theyre angry and see what we can do about it. If nothing then Im sure I have a good reason for not letting them have/do something which I will tell them. Rinse and repeat until they learn its not getting them anywhere.

If I was at home They would be put on the stairs for 10 mins or (for older children) certain toys or priviledges like iPads taken away.

I certainley dont find sinking to the level of a 3 year old and getting angry works. (in my experience with my DC and nieces/nephews) I would say ignoring them and then explaining to them that their behaviour has just lost them XYZ works better.

Babyroobs · 11/07/2018 14:46

I once confronted a woman who was slapping her kid round the head. I said to her "Is that really necessary ". She chased me down the street with her fist to my face. I had my toddler in a pushchair and two other small children.