Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stick my nose in with harassed mum hitting toddler

230 replies

RosyPrimroseface · 11/07/2018 14:05

In the road the other day my DS was on my shoulders and he suddenly said "Why that mummy hitting girl?" I turned and saw a woman across the road slapping a girl (aged about 3).

It wasn't very hard but the girl obvs was crying a lot. And as DS noticed first, she had evidently hit her more than once, as i saw one and he the other.

I called across "Did you just hit her?!" in a voice which was definitely judgemental. And posh and annoying i expect. She said "I gave her hand a tap!"

I said "That's not good. It's not ideal."

Now. I was twatty and irritating. I didn't make life easier for the girl; as her mum then was even grumpier. Nor the mum, who was angry and gave me a bit of abuse, naturally. I don't think I should have commented.

But - I don't think it's ever ok to hit children, and maybe if there's more reaction from bystanders it will become generally less acceptable??

Or am i just a busybody? Interested to see balance of views.

OP posts:
pallisers · 12/07/2018 15:38

I also think there is a lot of presumption about previous generations being "smacked and it never did them any harm"

My mother would be 90 if she were alive today. She was the younger part of a big family. Not one of them were hit by their parents. My father would be a bit older, he was also from a big family - never hit. My grandparents were good parents who didn't need to hit their children - all of whom grew up to be useful members of society - who didn't hit their children. My MIL is 78 - she wasn't hit as a child.

There have always been parents who hit. And there have always been parents who managed perfectly well without hitting their children.

woodhill · 12/07/2018 15:39

There was WW2 , poverty and rationing and people didn't air their feelings as much e.g counselling so I think other factors may influence their mental health.

People feared authority and there was capital punishment and Borsalino

woodhill · 12/07/2018 15:40

Borsalino

woodhill · 12/07/2018 15:40

Borstal

fleshmarketclose · 12/07/2018 15:41

Areyoufree yes she would have done the same as she is a stickler for rules. One of her early sayings was "always obey signs and Mummy" Grin which made her the most well behaved child ever.

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 15:43

@woodhill

All the children in the study were from the same 50 years, with an even spread.

So while they might suffer more due to external influences, their mental health was being compared to that of children who had (historically speaking) suffered the same as them. Of course as individuals they might have had specific problems that wouldn't apply to others in the group.

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 15:45

One of her early sayings was "always obey signs and Mummy"

That's classic Grin

As is the bike story, areyoufree

P3onyPenny · 12/07/2018 16:03

Yeah I've heard and witnessed those who manage without smacking or tapping- shrieking,dragging,threats......

This idea that those who don't smack or tap in any way are by default much better at parenting is at best naive and at worst quite damaging.

pallisers · 12/07/2018 16:17

Yeah I've heard and witnessed those who manage without smacking or tapping- shrieking,dragging,threats......

if all you see is parents shrieking, dragging, threatening or hitting then you might want to think about who you hang out with.

My parents never shrieked, dragged, threatened or hit. I don't remember any parents doing this 40 plus years ago and certainly didn't meet anyone like this when rearing my own (now teens). Where on earth do you live?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/07/2018 16:21

I have intervened once when I could see the parent was loosing it. She kept grabbing her DS (about 4-5) by the ear and yanking him around whilst telling him off. I told her to stop hurting her child. She then shouted at me for a bit but I think it helped her vent her anger at someone so I didn't react. She was cuddling her DS afterwards so hopefully she just needed to be steered back from the edge.

I am not perfect and I could see how she had got herself into a bit of a spiral. She wanted him to stay close to her but because she was hurting him he kept trying to get away, it needed someone from outside to break that spiral.

P3onyPenny · 12/07/2018 16:22

Not hitting. Shrieking,dragging,threatening. Seen and heard in plenty of shops,highstreets......

Where on earth do you live that you've never come across this?Hmm

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 16:27

@P3onyPenny

I've heard people shouting. Once or twice I've seen someone drag their toddler. I've heard quire a few parents scream threats like "NO TV! That's it!"

IME these are the types of parents to hit. But more importantly, I think it's worrying that you see hitting, or screaming/threats/dragging as the only two possible styles of parenting.

loveyouradvice · 12/07/2018 16:31

I have intervened once when I could see the parent was loosing it. She kept grabbing her DS (about 4-5) by the ear and yanking him around whilst telling him off. I told her to stop hurting her child. She then shouted at me for a bit but I think it helped her vent her anger at someone so I didn't react. She was cuddling her DS afterwards so hopefully she just needed to be steered back from the edge.

I am not perfect and I could see how she had got herself into a bit of a spiral. She wanted him to stay close to her but because she was hurting him he kept trying to get away, it needed someone from outside to break that spiral.

What a great example.... and this is really my question ... I am never sure what to do or say if I see someone hitting their child.

I want to intervene but don't want to escalate it .... the idea of coming from a place of total compassion for the parent and child would be great but Ive never worked out how to do it, so to my shame, stayed quiet except in one quite extreme case...

Any other ideas of what to do to HELP - and even ideally enable the parent to reflect - apart from sending in a confident 3 year old DD who was magnificent!

P3onyPenny · 12/07/2018 16:33

Nope not all just pointing out that never ever having not tapped or smacked doesn't by default make you a better parent.

Actually I'd go as far as saying I wonder if a measured tap is better than frequent shouting,threats and bargaining. Who knows.

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 16:38

Actually I'd go as far as saying I wonder if a measured tap is better than frequent shouting,threats and bargaining. Who knows.

"Measured tap?" Hmm

How wonderfully euphemistic.

But more importantly, how about we try and do neither?

pallisers · 12/07/2018 16:47

Where on earth do you live that you've never come across this?hmm

I'm just glad I live here. I didn't think shrieking and hitting kids was a normal thing to see doing the weekly shop. If you hit a child in our local supermarket, several people would intervene. If you shrieked at a child (other than OMG he's running for the carpark someone catch him!) there would be a group of people stopped looking at you.

I do often hear parents saying pretty firmly "that's it, if you don't hold my hand, we are going home" etc. Correcting their children. But no shrieking, dragging, hitting.

I don't live in the UK.

P3onyPenny · 12/07/2018 16:48

Pretty sure it goes without saying that most parents do try. Not sure they're always successful.

Lottapianos · 12/07/2018 16:50

Can you say where you do live pallisers? I'm impressed

BertieBotts · 12/07/2018 16:52

Actually violence and irresponsible behaviour is down among younger people, quite contrary to this idea that young people "today" don't know discipline etc because parenting fashions have changed. Of course 60-80 year olds aren't going around being violent and aggressive, because they are likely to now be weaker than most younger people. I do often find it is people of this age who are most likely to suggest being violent towards children, though!

P3onyPenny · 12/07/2018 16:56

No its younger parents that I have witnessed snarling,threatening and dragging. I would describe it as violent even though it's not in the form of smacking.

P3onyPenny · 12/07/2018 16:59

You mellow as you get older. My parents smacked but are as soft as butter with their grandchildren. They'd never suggest smacking. Why would they? They no longer have to bare responsibility for discipline,they can just focus on having fun.

Grimbles · 12/07/2018 17:06

Hitting a child is more acceptable than hitting a dog these days.

P3onyPenny · 12/07/2018 17:13

Is it?

Don't think I've ever seen a child being hit,seen plenty of dogs getting hit. As I've said I have seen a lot of other questionable behaviour though.

ethelfleda · 12/07/2018 17:31

I very rarely see anyone shouting at their child and have never, ever witnessed anyone smacking (or 'tapping' as some people call it in the vain hope that it magically makes it ok Hmm) the child in public and I live in what you may call a 'deprived' area.
Actually, I grew up thinking that you were supposed to smack children because they are naughty little inconveniences (my parebts influence there!!) It was only recently that I found out that none of my friends were ever hit growing up.
I would intervene if I saw something like this. It's wrong to hit anyone - let alone a poor defenceless child! Surely children need emotional guidance from their parents!

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 12/07/2018 17:36

I've intervened before. A woman was actually punching the arm of a crying toddler in a buggy and screaming "stop it stop it stop it" at him. I actually in a way felt sorry for the woman she had obviously completely lost the plot and was out of her depth but the priority was the child. I just walked up to her and said "you need to stop". I wish I could have said something useful to the woman she obviously needed help in her life to be so out of control but I'm not good at that kind of thing.