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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stick my nose in with harassed mum hitting toddler

230 replies

RosyPrimroseface · 11/07/2018 14:05

In the road the other day my DS was on my shoulders and he suddenly said "Why that mummy hitting girl?" I turned and saw a woman across the road slapping a girl (aged about 3).

It wasn't very hard but the girl obvs was crying a lot. And as DS noticed first, she had evidently hit her more than once, as i saw one and he the other.

I called across "Did you just hit her?!" in a voice which was definitely judgemental. And posh and annoying i expect. She said "I gave her hand a tap!"

I said "That's not good. It's not ideal."

Now. I was twatty and irritating. I didn't make life easier for the girl; as her mum then was even grumpier. Nor the mum, who was angry and gave me a bit of abuse, naturally. I don't think I should have commented.

But - I don't think it's ever ok to hit children, and maybe if there's more reaction from bystanders it will become generally less acceptable??

Or am i just a busybody? Interested to see balance of views.

OP posts:
Twillow · 11/07/2018 15:49

Well done. Hopefully, it will make her reflect and act differently.

MadeleineMaxwell · 11/07/2018 15:50

I do think that violence is the worst way to discipline a child. It just doesn't work when it comes to curbing bad behaviour unless you're willing to do it to the point where they're terrified

Tara336 · 11/07/2018 15:51

I’m not sure I’d have been brave enough to comment but well done for saying something. There’s no need to hit a child. I have never raised my hand to my DD I couldn’t bring myself too or live with myself. She’s turned into a lovely young woman because I showed her respect and expected it in return. We have a lovely relationship and I believe it’s because of how I have parented her. On other hand my mother was verging on abusive and I can remember curling up into a little ball as she hit me repeatedly, our relationship is not great, I guess I tolerate her

MadeleineMaxwell · 11/07/2018 15:51

Whoops! Posted too soon!

Yes it is the worst way to discipline a child. My dad thrashed me all throught the 80s and ended up with a child so scared of him she moved countries to get away. I have never, ever hit mine. Shouted, yes, assaulted, no.

toomuchtooold · 11/07/2018 15:51

My mum was abusive. She usually managed to keep her temper outside (funny that) but there were plenty of occasions where she either hit me quite openly or would grab my arm really hard (it left bruises) and I'd be walking along the road with her crying and not one fucking bastard ever said to her to knock it off. It would have made such a difference to me if someone had said something, because I always thought it might be wrong what she did, but part of me also thought that maybe I was just a badly behaved child who couldn't take their punishment, and as I got older I learned to hide the signs of abuse out of shame. I never risked telling anyone. I remember thinking about phoning Childline because I was being continually bullied at school and "in trouble" at home and thinking, how self indulgent, they have kids on there who have real problems. It was a good thing you did. And you know most abusers are pretty weak people, they care about other people's opinions, she might have given you a mouthful but inside she'll have been feeling about an inch tall, and it'll give her pause the next time.

hannah1992 · 11/07/2018 16:00

I said something to a woman in town once when I was shopping. I’d seen her smack her little boys bum ( was a bit older maybe 5-6) then as we got further down the street he was crying and she said “if you don’t shut up I’ll give you one harder”, that just made my blood run cold and I said to her that behaviour is not acceptable and if you carry on when he’s older he will smack you back! She then went on a rant about parenting etc I calmly told her that smacking and threatening your child is not parenting and she should be ashamed of herself.

She wasn’t happy but I don’t care quite frankly. She could have pinched me there but she didn’t because I could have hit her back whereas a child probably wouldn’t as they are defenceless it is abuse no matter whether it’s a “tap” or not

rosesandflowers1 · 11/07/2018 16:00

Yes it is the worst way to discipline a child. My dad thrashed me all throught the 80s and ended up with a child so scared of him she moved countries to get away. I have never, ever hit mine. Shouted, yes, assaulted, no.

Sorry you went through that Sad

When I was fifteen my mum told my dad I had stolen money from her purse to go to a paid-entry party and gotten drunk and given a boy a blowjob. None of it was true - not even the party part - but my dad hit me. It was the first and only time he did it, and he was very sorry, but to this day it upsets me a little I think. Perhaps because it was completely unjust!

I've shouted at my children a few times (you'd be a saint not to) though I do try my best to keep calm and composed. My mother used to scream at me and I hated it. It would never be tolerated the other way round, anyway, so I learnt to express anger quietly or not express it at all in my teenage years.

I've never ever hit my DC, or "tapped" them or pinched them or anything physical. Neither has DH. There are better and less damaging ways to discipline.

coolncalm · 11/07/2018 16:00

Never once hit any of my 4. I've never hit a single person in my life, no way would i hit a child. The thought of it disgusts me. How horrible to have a child frightened of you.

Pandamodium · 11/07/2018 16:07

Saints?

For not hitting bullying people smaller then oneself?

I'm far from a perfect parent, I don't hit my DC.

OP it might make her think twice about doing it next time at least in public.

SouthWestmom · 11/07/2018 16:16

Personally I think if you demonise smacking you risk other abusive practices sneaking in - a pp said showing or screaming was a better alternative? Really? Hmm shouting maybe but screaming is a loss of control and conjures up lots of horrid images.

Gruffalina72 · 11/07/2018 16:36

Personally, I don't consider illegality to necessarily be an accurate measure of whether something is acceptable or not. Plenty of abhorrent things have been legal.

Marital rape wasn't illegal in England and Wales until 1991. It was always rape and it was always wrong. But until 1991 our laws were not up to the job of protecting women in those circumstances.

Just like hitting your child for any reason has been and will always be wrong. It is abuse. I look forward to the day when it's illegal too.

OP, I'm glad you intervened.

exWifebeginsat40 · 11/07/2018 16:47

@Noeuf your mindset is bonkers. smack a child, in case you do something worse. does that seem rational to you?

MMM3 · 11/07/2018 16:56

Smacking a hand seems somewhat appropriate if a hand was involved in the transgression? And two smacks might be appropriate if the child repeated the naughty thing? Spanking is a weird dominance /authority / humiliation thing that I can’t abide, but a hand slap (if it really was that) seems different.

Personally, I think it was perfectly fine for you to shout that she needs to mind her actions, the world doesn’t agree what she did is ok. And it was also perfectly fine for her to tell you to keep it moving and mind your own business.

SouthWestmom · 11/07/2018 16:59

No the idea that screaming is acceptable as an alternative is bonkers.

Lizzie48 · 11/07/2018 17:18

If you felt that the mother was out of order in what she did, then it's good that you intervened. We weren't there so we can't really say whether you made the right call. But I don't think it's right to say you should have minded your own business. A parent does NOT have the right to be abusive to their child and it's right to speak up if we see a child being mistreated.

PrettyLovely · 11/07/2018 17:26

I was hit as a child, I look at my kids now and I wonder how could they do it.
I am totally agains it.
Well done op for calling her out on it.

MadeleineMaxwell · 11/07/2018 17:48

Thanks roses Flowers

Thing is, if you learn as a child that violence against you is to be expected, you may well go on to expect it in later life. I did. Took me a couple of violent and abusive adult relationships to realise that no, I didn't deserve it at all.

Just don't hit kids, it's that simple. Or anyone else for that matter!

rosesandflowers1 · 11/07/2018 17:58

Just don't hit kids, it's that simple. Or anyone else for that matter!

Agreed - it's not difficult! And what might happen to your children as a result is certainly worth the price of self control.

Lottapianos · 11/07/2018 18:35

'Spanking is a weird dominance /authority / humiliation thing that I can’t abide, but a hand slap (if it really was that) seems different.'

Well it's not different.

Good for you OP for USING YOUR JUDGEMENT like an adult person and deciding to intervene. Its not always easy to find the right wording in the heat of the moment but we'll done for challenging her.

People who physically chastise their children deserve to be 'judged' and challenged. People don't have a divine right to do what they want to their kids just because they're parents

ProfessorMoody · 11/07/2018 18:42

Well done OP.

As for the people on this post excusing the assault of a child, you're despicable.

Greenglassteacup · 11/07/2018 18:58

I was hit & “smacked” throughout my childhood & I would never in a million years do that to my child. The people who do this make me fucking sick

Racecardriver · 11/07/2018 18:59

Well I doubt there was any point in saying anything. It's not right but it's not illegal for parents to hit their children so telling them off won't stop them unfortubately.

GreenMeerkat · 11/07/2018 19:03

I am dead against hitting children as a form of punishment. I don't think it works and I think it sends the wrong message from a young age (violence is a reasonable reaction to something that displeases you).

However, I don't think you had any right to interfere. It's not illegal and as long as she's not beating her child it's her choice how she disciplines her. Whether you agree with it or not.

Marmablade · 11/07/2018 21:53

@Noeuf

We all draw the line somewhere. It's not OK that I've screamed at my child but I have never ever ever hit them. Screaming is not acceptable as an alternative but it's a damn sight better than hitting!

YorkieDorkie · 11/07/2018 21:56

To be honest, if it made her realise that others might judge her parenting style then it can only be a good thing.

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