Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so worried about creepy uncle that I'm scared to seperate from DP

211 replies

sparklyhorse · 08/07/2018 21:05

My DP's brother is 48 and lives at home with MIL and always has. He holds down a basic job. He had no friends and has never had a girlfriend or been on a date. He's intelligent (has a degree) and he's attractive. His social skills are not great - he hasn't got much to talk about and says awkward inappropriate things - not sexual but more rude and abrupt.

I don't like the way he is around DD who is 3 and DS who is 2. He is very physical with them and plays tickling games and has them on his knee all the time. He has never been left alone with them but one time I was at DMILs and she popped out and I was alone with him and kids. I was busy with DS who was a baby and he took DD upstairs to the playroom. Nothing happened as I kept looking in and they were sitting next to each other reading a book but I didn't like it and I kept saying it was time to come downstairs but he ignored me. That rang alarm bells with me.

I'm not sure whether this is just poor social skills and him not realising the social rules and how careful a male relative needs to be around young children. Or something more sinister. But I don't like it and my alarm bells have been going off every time I see him with them being so physical.

I mentioned to my DP in the nicest possible way I didn't like it (i sort of made a joke about the brother ignoring me in saying it was time to come down) but he thought I was being ridiculous as its his brother and he totally trusts him. Anyway I got DP to agree that the kids would never be left alone with any man as a way to prevent anything (I'm actually happy for them to be alone with some men, just not creepy uncle but a blanket rule seemed easier to enforce).

Tonight we were round at DMILs and she wasn't home yet. We were having dinner there so I popped to the shop for some stuff. So just DP, brother and kids there. I was gone 40 mins. Get back and DDs sitting on couch opposite uncle on his chair with no pants or trousers on and legs spread. I was totally like WTF?! I said very loudly DD why don't you have any pants on. Uncle says oh she had wet herself. I take her out immediately and find DP in the garden doing some chores and ask him why DD has no pants on in front of a man. Sorry he says, she had wet her pants so I took them off and got distracted doing something else. I said it was totally unacceptable and he was a bit sheepish and found a clean pair of pants. DD then says it was fun sitting on my uncle's knee with no pants and getting fresh air on my vulva (both children know the proper names for their parts as I had read that being able to name the parts reduced the likelihood of abuse - I looked this up specifically as worried about the uncle. We've also read children's books about how our parts are private and no one else should touch them etc).

I've decided I want to seperate from my DP for many reasons but I'm worried about what might happen with the uncle when I'm not there. DP is weak, people pleasing and will also lie to avoid confrontation so I can't trust that he will supervise his brother with the kids. What do I do?

I feel I cant stay with him just on the tiny chance something bad happens as I'm miserable. But how do I protect my children when I'm not there? I realise this post might make me sound like a nutter but I don't have issues with any other male relatives or men in general. Other male relatives don't act like this either. And I have a particularly good radar for people so much so a large part of my job is choosing which senior executives to employ for companies I consult to.

I actually feel sick about this. What can i do except make rules that might not be followed and teach the kids about keeping safe.

OP posts:
Fabricwitch · 08/07/2018 22:11

Personally I find it really strange that children can't be naked around their family. DH and I have seen nieces and nephews from both sides of the family naked for various reasons, wetting themselves, running into the sea fully clothed, preemptively stripping down before running in water, paddling in the garden, needing their nappies changed when we're babysitting, oh and the one that just refused to wear clothes for a year. If one of them climbed onto our knee or sat opposite us naked we wouldn't think twice about it.
Do you not let anyone help if they've suddenly wet themselves or want to play in water etc? What about babysitters?
I also think equating social awkwardness to paedophilia is unreasonable. And tickling your niece is perfectly normal behaviour.
The only thing I can understand is your "gut feeling". I do think if you have a bad feeling about this person, whether justified or not, you should try to avoid leaving them alone with him (which will be more difficult when you split up).

MrsMaisel · 08/07/2018 22:12

I have a vivid memory of being at a pool party as a child and sitting on the knee of a priest while he fed me cake. He is now in jail. Every mother at the party would have trusted this man completely. It HAPPENS.

Aridane · 08/07/2018 22:14

Tbh it sounds like she just thinks he's weird and doesn't like him .

I tend to agree

Lostbeyondwords · 08/07/2018 22:16

Perhaps I've missed some posts, but it seems that pp saying the tickling, sitting in knee without knickers etc is normal, are not the same pp saying they were abused. I think that says something.

I can't believe some pp calling the op paranoid. Really?? A certain amount of paranoia is healthy, it keeps you on your toes and aware. I'm sorry, but paedophilia in families is WAY more prolific than you realise if you haven't had an experience of it. I've spoken to around 8 people irl about this, two didn't say it had happened in their family (nor that it hadn't, mind), 5 knew it had, and one thought if it had then their family would be the kind to sweep it under the rug.

OP be "paranoid" and protect your children.

MarthaArthur · 08/07/2018 22:17

Thanks for answering my questions op. I havent really got any advise because as someone said upthread if dp has parental responsibility you cant control where he takes them or who he sees.
Instinct is natural and i would listen to mine i just wouldnt try to think of reasons to justify it because they dont come across as worrying in themselves and it can make people weary about believing your instincts.
Abuse can sadly happen in teenagers as well so i dont think staying together ling term will work.

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 08/07/2018 22:19

Its not about cutting them all off my my life. I don't want to do that. My kids love their grandma and DP and that's not in anyone's interests. I'm not looking for a reason. I have genuine concerns about one person.

OP posts:
ILoveMyCaravan · 08/07/2018 22:19

@Summersnake Thank you I appreciate your kind thoughts. It is a very difficult situation but I am just trying to make the point that there will probably never be the right age or right time for the OP to separate from the children's father without making strict arrangements for contact with the kids.

sayhellotothelittlefella · 08/07/2018 22:20

So because you think he’s autistic and a little bit odd he must therefore be a paedophile? Really???

Tillytrotter123 · 08/07/2018 22:21

Lostbeyondwords - I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately it happens far more than people are aware of I think. It's happened to a lot of people I know, it's vital to be on your toes.

RebelRogue · 08/07/2018 22:22

@Lostbeyondwords I was abused ,several times by different people(my story is on several threads on here ). Does that give my doubts more authority or something?

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 08/07/2018 22:22

To posters who are saying I'm paranoid since I don't want them alone with men etc. As I said previously, I made that a blanket rule so as not to point the finger at BIL directly. My DP find general rules easier to manage.

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 08/07/2018 22:22

All posters going on about sexism is just unreasonable.
If OP is concerned about her 3 year old child why Judge?
Plus children of either gender are more at risk from physical and sexual abuse from a male family member.
Not a stranger, not a woman but a male known to them it’s a fact.

FASH84 · 08/07/2018 22:23

The uncle hasn't done anything wrong, my DH looks after our niece in his own, she likes him to tell her bedtime stories when she stays, she says his are the best (he does voices and and libs) she's also been known to run around in the garden with nothing on playing in the paddling pool etc when her cossie was wet , she took it off to put clothes on then ran off and decided to jump back in the pool. OP I don't know what history you have but not all men are a risk to children very few are and lots that are dint fit the sex offender stereotype (I know this in a professional capacity), done are even women. If you keep on like this your daughter will grow up fearing men. You've assumed he's a paedophile because he doesn't have great social skills.....

Timefortea99 · 08/07/2018 22:24

Trust your instincts.

Summersnake · 08/07/2018 22:25

I love my caravan....yes I really feel for the op...it is an incredibly difficult situation to be in.especially as the op wants to separate...as the man hasn't done anything yet ..that we know off....I don't see how legally the op could stipulate any access terms with extended family,when the children are with dad for access ,mum can't legally stipulate who is or isn't there...

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 08/07/2018 22:26

Its not because he might be autistic and bit odd that I think he might be a paedophile. Its the way he acts. When I first met him I actually really liked him and I used to say to DP what a waste it was for womankind that an intelligent attractive man like DBIL was still single and living with his mother. I thought it was due to low confidence and DBIL getting in a rut. Its only since ive had kids and seen the way he is with them that I dont like it. Weve spent much more time with him since having kids and I've noticed much more how he is.

OP posts:
whataboutbob · 08/07/2018 22:26

Absolutely listen to your gut instinct and be vigilant.
Having said this, my bro is on the spectrum, very distractible and an oddball and can be inappropriate in his language, jokes etc.
I have 2 sons whom he s fond of and he asks slightly odd questions such as “so what aboutbob’s DS, do you have a girlfriend yet?” ( he was 13at the time).A clear projection as bro would lik e a GF and he doesn’t have one. He also used to pick DS1upand hug him. Nothing for me to worry about, But if 1) he was my BIL not my bro and 2) I had daughters not sons, I might be feeling differently.

TheBigFatMermaid · 08/07/2018 22:26

I was DPs first girlfriend (He was 39 when we met).

What if DPs brother had been the first one out of them to meet someone and have a child with them, would you think they were reasonable to basically accuse him of being a paedophile?

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 08/07/2018 22:30

I think the potential spectrum or weirdness or aleays having been single is a red herring which hasn't done any good putting in but I didn't want to drip feed. I don't like the way he acts with the kids. Full stop. I wouldn't like it if any man was like that with them.

OP posts:
wiserthanme · 08/07/2018 22:32

Hi there. I would get some discrete professional advice. It's better to be wrong about this than be right. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse by older brother and uncle, the opportunities are endless. Sometimes your parental instinct is all you have, so listen to it.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 08/07/2018 22:34

@sparklyhorse

To posters who are saying I'm paranoid since I don't want them alone with men etc. As I said previously, I made that a blanket rule so as not to point the finger at BIL directly.

Before that you said about male relatives should be careful.

Why should they? They are (usually) loving relatives the same as their female counterparts. Why should they have to prove they’re not a paedophile at every turn? Why should they even need to consider it. That’s very sad.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 08/07/2018 22:35

I'm not sure whether this is just poor social skills and him not realising the social rules and how careful a male relative needs to be around young children

This statement. I find it such a shame.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/07/2018 22:35

Trust your gut op. I agree, completely inappropriate behaviour. It's a risk no parent should take and nothing to do with anyone's age or social aptitude.

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 08/07/2018 22:36

As for posters asking about my DP. We're not married. Positives - loyal, hard-working, loves his kids, does loads and loads of tasks/childcare/anything I need help with, always physically there, would never cheat, reliable. Negatives - doesn't understand feelings (his own or other peoples), no empathy, passive aggressive (including to kids), doesn't laugh, super serious, negative, fixed and rigid in routines, comes across as arrogant and know it all in social situations (I think due to nerves) so people don't tend to like him and so we have no couple friends, doesn't understand social boundaries (housesitting for a very well off acquaintance last weekend and he took their previously opened bank statement out and read it to see how much money they have!), weak, people pleasing and conflict avoidant to the point of telling lies. My mum dislikes him so much they are now no contact which makes life harder. My grandmother feels the same.

OP posts:
wheresthehope · 08/07/2018 22:38

Its totally weird that your DD would be sitting on a his lap with no pants on... I think your right to have concerns, I was sexually abused by my uncle so I know first hand it happens. I would lay down the law and tell both your DP and his brother and even their mother that under no circumstances are your dc to be in that situation again.

You have to be the voice for your daughter while she is young.