To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

I think a safer approach would have been to average at a tenner. How do you know what the party ended up costing and why would you care

I’ve never taken into consideration the cost or location of the venue and choose gifts on the personality or interests of the child.

Present amount is based on friendship not party for me

Have a more relaxed party at home would also never be ‘petty and stingy’

Personally I think if your DD is as close to one child as the other, the gift should reflect that rather than how much host mum spent on the party

YABU I wouldn’t even consider how much a party cost when buying a present.

You’re both ridiculous tbh

I would spend the same regardless of the party but the friend who texted you was really rude nd Id give her a wide birth. Who complains about a present ffs? For all she knows the present you gave the other child could have been a bargain sale buy or regift.

I think that is a spectacularly tight and mean-spirited approach to giving birthday presents to small children.

I think YABU. The present should be the same regardless.

The presents should have been roughly equal and your reasoning is very odd. She was also rude to mention it.

That’s very weird sorry! You don’t base the value of the present on how much the host may or may not have spent

You both sound completely bonkers! She was astonishingly rude to question the value of the gift, but you're also being really unreasonable to think that the value of the gift (which is for the child) should reflect what you imagine the parents spent.

What a horrible way to think. How much will you be spending on a party for your dc?

I think YABU to judge the amount you spend on the venue.. it wouldn't even cross my mind to do this, I always spend roughly the same amount per present for birthday parties that my child attends.

I can see why people may up their spending on a present if the children are closer / best friends.. but don't see why you'd factor party cost into to tbh.

Having said that I wouldn't have brought it up either like the mother did.

Actually I think your thinking is a bit mean - the child has no idea of how much the party costs, and it’s not the mums fault if she can’t afford a swanky party.
Any gift my child received was received gratefully, but there was also an unwritten rule that you looked at up to £10 max. Maybe you should work that way in future and then no one will be upset

She’s being ultra rude by questioning you about the value of present. I wouldn’t even have replied to her text. How does she even know what you bought the other child anyway?

I wouldn’t have commented as she did, but I totally disagree with you. The value of a gift shouldn’t be determined by the cost of the party. If it was, we’d all just give cash to offset party costs and essentially pay your own way. I would always spend more on children who are particularly close friends. If it happened that one of them came from a family who couldn’t afford an elaborate party, I would feel terrible using that to justify a cheaper gift.

Its like you think you should get your moneys worth at the party (how much has been spent on your child vs cost of gift) which isn't the point of them really

Thank god my kids are past this stage but I used to give the same type of gift whether it was sandwiches in the back garden or something way more expensive. Working out the cost of the party and buying accordingly is bonkers.

What is equally bonkers however is the RUDENESS of the other mother commenting on it!

YAbu
How odd
You give presents because you want to celebrate not to offsett the party cost

I understand your logic. I use the same logic when my twins go to a party. That parent has paid for my 2 children and therefore I send 2 presents.
But in this case I think YABU. I always spend the same for each present - in my kids’ school that’s about £10-15. Makes no difference where or who is hosting,

She was very rude to question it. That alone would make me cross. What you choose to spend is none of her business.

We spent more on best friends but school friends parties we did similar to you. If an expensive venue, we'd spend more on a gift to thank the host for the hospitality. At home parties, we spent less.

She was being rude to point it out, but I wouldn't see the value of a present as being to do with the venue either. I think YABU.