To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

Nope. How weird to think like that.

I do a standard £10 for classmates, £20 for close friends and relatives are £30 no matter where the party is.

However I agree with PPs she shouldn’t have said anything
A lot can change financially over a few months.

Yes, YABU and unbelievably petty. Who buys gifts based on venue? I bet you're one of those people that only buys gifts for others based on what you think they spent on you. Actually, I bet you know exactly what has been spent on you because you probably take the time to find out to ensure you don't spend more than they did.

Actually, explain your 'logic', OP. Are you applying a 'covering the cost of your plate at a wedding' approach to small children's parties? Do you really sit around calculating how much a party costs before deciding what to spend on the birthday child? Do you factor in party bags? The cost of a cake? Do you cast your eye over the party food at home parties and get out your phone to calculate a price per head?

YES , UABU. So better off parents who can afford fancy parties should have more spent on their child than lesser well off parents who personally go to more trouble to host at home?

No only incredibly mean spirited people thunk this way

This has never entered my head. All children would be have the same amountish spent on them. Bizarre thought process there OP.

You spend the same on the child, regardless.
Sad to think a child whose parents could only afford sandwiches and musical statues at home doesn't deserve a decent present .

Yabu, completely bizarre logic. Why does a child deserve less of a present because the parents hosted a party at home.

Good Christ!
When did kid's parties become so mercenary?

Card with tenner and very small 'thing' to unwrap (usually stationery item) no matter what type of party you have is my usual MO (my children are over 10).

Gift value based on cost of party isn't equal to the children who have no control over what their parents can spend.

YABU.

Parent who messaged re gift is also U. I can understand why she'd could feel miffed though if the three of you are close 'equal' friends.

i use the same logic for weddings to some extent - evening invite, £10 or so voucher.

simple pub reception, maybe £20 or so.

full all day invite in fancy hotel, £50 or so.

I'd also get a mate who was doing a fully hosted birthday meal out a bigger present compared to someone who just invited me to drinks (at own cost) in a bar when its probably a card.

Wow, this would never even have entered my head. How strange. Each kid gets a set amount that I can afford. I would have been a bit put out if I was the second parent but no way would I have said anything.

she was rude to question it, but i think its bizarre to give a cheap present because they had a home party instead of a venue party.

It's completely weird that you'd get one child a better present because they had a fancier party. Honestly, I've never known anyone that would do that.
If I were the mum I wouldn't have text you about it but I'd probably think you were an arsehole.

YABVU! The price should reflect the relationship with your child and the birthday child and should be fair if they are all friends.

Why should the child be penalised because her parents can't afford a good birthday venue.

Utterly ridiculous.

Yabu about better present for more expensive party but it's also U to call you out on cheaper present.

I think she was rude to mention it but equally I always stick to a £10 average. I go up to £20 if two or three of mine are invited.
I don't consider venue price and parties at home can quickly mount up in cost anyway.

Usually a tenner but more if it’s a best friend

I think she is rude for calling you out on it but I’m also kind of glad she did.

I think your method is a pretty appalling way of deciding what to gift a child on their birthday. It’s very divisionist and faintly whiffs of snobbishness.

Would you take a bottle of lambrini to a dinner party in a council flat and champagne to a country manor?

It’s not suprising you’ve offended someone by openly categorising them in such a way.

I think you're missing the point of gift giving entirely and so is your friend. It was rude of her to comment, but it was also rude of you to base how much to spend on a present, on the cost of the party. Maybe don't view everything through a financial lens in future.

When my child had a birthday party he was as equally grateful for the homemade badge and card he received, as he was for the bigger toys. I paid a decent amount per head but it didn't make me think a friend didn't value us because they didn't spend much, if anything I was impressed that they had taken the time to make something. Gifts sound be about thoughtfulness and gratitude, not finances and entitlement.

she was being U to moan about the amount you spent, you were being U to spend less based on the perceived cost of the party.

And rating the food at a kids party 'average' 😂😂 I'm surprised you actually have any friends!

Ffs. You and your mum friends are sad creatures barely mature enough to have children of your own.

Wow! So pleased you're not in my friendship group!