To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

I always spend the same on birthday presents regardless of the location of the party. I would never send a cheaper present because the party was only at home or had more basic food. so YABU.

But, it was rude of the 2nd mother to point out that the present you got her child was cheaper. Even if I noticed I wouldn’t have said anything.

Poor kids. What skewed logic.

I tend to spend anything between £10-£15 on dds friends. She has a lot of good friends rather than besties. Things are often on special offer so prices fluctuate, which is why it isn’t an exact amount. The party venue is imaterial.

YABU. I can’t contemplate your thinking, no wonder your friend was upset. I’d personally feel you were placing more value on the friendship of the other child who had the more expensive present. My children’s friends all receive the same monetary value for parties no matter what the location, no arguments then.

If I was the mum I wouldn’t have mentioned it though, that was a little rude of her but I guess she was upset. Unfortunately you may have put a bit of a black mark on your friendship with this mum now. Hopefully she will see that it didn’t come from a place of favouritism from you in a little while.

YAbothBU

I based the amount I spend how close the friendship is.

My children have been to some expensive parties with only 5-6 children attending where I know this cost for activity and restaurant is around £25 a head.

Other parties might be at soft play and there will be say 12 children at £10 a head. I’d get a slightly better present for the 1st party.

At a wedding I’ll spend more if I’m a day guest, than if I’m just an evening guest too.

How weird to base a present on venue and spend. My present budget was 10quid for everyone for parties. Either as a gift or money in the card.

I would never choose a present based on the amount you perceive the party to cost
But neither would I have called you out on it
And I do think house parties I have had tend to be more expensive,always do my own food,have more siblings,adults can stay and drink champagne with us
And certainly a lot more work
Is this a real friend or a new school gate Mum friend
I would be very wary of her

Wow! I feel the need to jump in and say I do exactly the same! We have a local dancing party near us that a lot of the school friends use for all class parties. It costs £3 per child inc food!

Whereas DS was also invited to a party at the local trampolining Park. With the food package they chose, it cost £25 per head for 6 friends.

That's a massive difference and I would feel very weird/ or tight if I had bought identical value presents for both.

And I know how much each cost because my child has a birthday party too! I check out the prices to set his expectations. DS wanted whole class party so we went with the dance place.

Rude to question it but I think you are totally unreasonable and nasty. What if your child had a best friend who's parents couldn't afford a swanky party? They don't deserve a nice present? And then Johnny come flash pants who your child hardly knows has a very flash party at £50 a head and you buy him a flash present. How do you think that will reflect on your child with there best friend?

Very very unreasonable and it should be just a set amount per party like £7-10.

I agree with spending acording to the relationship. So for your DDs best friends, i’d spend a bit more if i could. Otherwise you’re penalising the child.

Friend was a bit rude to say anything, but you need to learn how friendship works OP!

That's very unfair on a child. How would you explain it to them? "You aren't getting a good gift because someone else didn't throw you a fancy party?!"

It's a birthday party not a wedding...

You are both bonkers!

I can’t believe you would calculate the cost of the party and buy a present for the child accordingly and I can’t believe she has calculated the cost of the present and called you out on it! Unbelievable

I always spend approx £10 regardless YABU. However so is your friend for bringing it up!

I wouldn't normally point that out but I'm glad she did to be honest. What did you give her child? Very bizarre and unfair logic for how you decide what to buy a child. If their parents chose to or are able to spend more on a fancy party the child will get a better present, but if a child's parents aren't able to spend as much they get less? Why not think about the child rather than the finances of the parents

I find your thinking really horrible. Howuch parents can afford to spend on a party shouldn't influence the gift given to the child.

Your friend sounds equally horrible for questioning the financial value of your present. How does she even know what you got the other child?? Seriously, you both sound obsessed with money.

How unbelievably petty and unpleasant! The present is a gift for the child, not financial reimbursement for the parents ffs!
So if a child had parents who were really struggling financially, their child would deserve a cheapo present from all their friends, just because they also couldn't afford a more expensive party?! I can't actually believe that's what you think.

I would spend roughly the same on all close friends of my dc, because I don't judge their friendship by how tacky expensive the party is. My dd usually has a picnic party by the river. It costs next to nothing. It's lovely and everyone has a great time. Because that's what's important, not the price tag!

She was incredibly rude to ask.
However I can’t inderstand your logic at all. Very strange. I wouldn’t dream of basing the amount spent on the venue. I think this is also equally rude when the children have been good friends for a long time.

there is so much thought put into presents. For me family get a set amount friends get less. Kids who I didn't know where in the class till the invite drops get if I'm being honest a regift if I can. I can't be doing with working out price per head and adjusting things accordingly what if they have a family member that works there and the got discount??? What if they are brilliant hagglers??? Nope not for me. Ask for the op I think in a small group of three giving one a present double the value of the other is always going to raise eyebrows I think

She was rude to ask about this but you are petty and pathetic to do what you did as well. I've never known anybody think the way you do about this, how ridiculous.

I'm amazed that anyone has the energy or headspace to overthink things like this to such a degree! Our rule is £10 a present and present is chosen by my child for their friend as they know them better than I do! One year my youngest son chose a rubber crocodile puppet for his bestie that although it only cost £2 and he could have spent more, was the birthday child's fave pressie on the day Your friend sounds like not much of a friend to be so insecure about such minor details such as this too.

Well she was rude to query it but I'm amazed at your reasoning behind spending less. Quite why an adult would off set the value of the venue paid for by the parents on to the kids present baffles me somewhat.

If iit was a parent who can't throw an expensive party due to cost I imagine they must feel very reminded of that fact.

Effectively Op as others have said you are punishing a child for not having wealthy parents; or having parents who might have found an at home party more to their budget. I am so glad that we are wll past that stage now.

It's really easy - £10-15 in book tokens for each party. Promotes reading, hopefully supports local book shops, and is appropriate for that age group.