To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

Apart from anything else parents will have a budget for a party. So if children’s parents have less you will give them less?! There’s a little lesson in how hard it is to succeed from any kind of disadvantage in life right there, and how your financial status will equal your value to many people, provided by the op. That is awful behaviour 😮

She was rude to say something.

BUT, you were rude to buy such different gifts for your daughter's 2 best friends based on the amount of money their parents spent on their parties.

The gift should be based on friendship and what you can afford reasonably.

By your standards, 'poor' friends should always have cheap gifts if their friends can't afford to host a lavish party, and 'rich' friends should be made even richer with expensive presents to match what their parents could splash out on for a party. Do you really not see the problem with that way of thinking?

Ditto for weddings: imagine a young, frugal couple wanting to celebrate with their friends, but knew they couldn't afford to go into debt over it etc, or were prioritizing housing as a long term benefit. Do you gift them 'less' because they didn't spend a lot of you as a guest, even though they're good friends? ANd would you spend more on a wealthy couple who could break the bank and throw a great party? Even though they already have a lot? Just seems to skewed... and the wrong way round.

YABU. I've never known anyone think this way about children's parties and presents!

You are weird.

We spend between £10-15 because that's our budget. At ds2's last party he had gifts from a few £ balls to a £45 top (which I was shocked at). But that made no difference to what the children had in return for their birthdays, and their parties varied, ours cost approx £40 per head, with the food and activities.

But what mattered was my child and the other children were always thankful for whatever they received. They've been taught you don't give to receive. Which to a point is what you are doing- the better venue gets the better present. Not a good attribute to install in your child.

OP you actually mentally tot up the cost of a party before deciding on the present budget? . YABVVU.

She was rude to question the cost of the gift, but you were very wrong to punish the child whose parent had a less expensive party with a less expensive present, @sunnysky19!! Of the two of you, your behaviour was nastier, as it targeted the child - which was the effect of your actions, whether or not it was your intention.

Wow. Both of YABVU, for all the reason previously listed. How does your friend even know what you got/spent on the other child?
I used to spend £5-7 but try to get a good deal on a gift that was worth a bit more.
All older now and fewer parties, close friends get a tenner in a card if they go out together for a birthday. But I'm glad to be out of that phase.

Gosh you are getting a bit of stick OP because actually your reasoning is quite kind in "reimbursing" the spendier family .
However its not really necessary and a small gift is fine .
My DS got £10 once and also a box of chocolates .He felt like he had won the lottery
Second Mum is hideously rude !
I cant believe she had the cheek to text you.
The only reasonable response to gifts is Thank you

Thank god my kids are past this stage but I used to give the same type of gift whether it was sandwiches in the back garden or something way more expensive. Working out the cost of the party and buying accordingly is bonkers. What is equally bonkers however is the RUDENESS of the other mother commenting on it!

This, absolutely.

You and your friend sound equally bonkers.

YABU. Why on earth would value of present be dictated by type of party? We spend the same on gifts regardless.

However she was also BU to actually approach you about it. Who does that either?

back garden party sounds way nicer than trampoline park anyway

I would agree with your friend but I think it was unacceptably rude of her to question the value of your gift.

YABVVU,I can't believe anyone thinks in that way.

We always spend the same amount on presents for our DC's friends(usually £15)it doesn't matter if they have a party that costs £500 or £50 to us why should the child then be treated any differently,they don't get a choice over how much they're parent spends on they're birthday party.

I think you've behaved very poorly!

Clearly I'm in a minority but I do understand your thinking and I don't think you are unreasonable.
One present was a bit more expensive than the other but it's not a huge difference.
The other mum pricing up and comparing gifts and then questioning the present givers... now that I do find rather odd!

YABVU. A party at home can be a lot more effort than a party at a place where they are used to organising them and do all the work for you. Your poor daughter, this is actually pretty embarrassing for her.

Personally, I think for weddings, birthday parties etc, people should spend what they want to and can afford, hopefully with some thought as to what the person receiving the present would actually like, and how much it costs them to host you should be completely immaterial to choice of gift. And the gracious way to accept gifts is to thank the gift giver and not mention the perceived cost of the gift, nor expect a gift of equal or greater value than you have spent on inviting them to your party.

I’d do this too- spending between £8 and £12 depending upon closeness of friendship and cost of party.
I always try and get a thoughtful gift, but I do vary the cost.

You are ridiculous OP - I am shocked to hear you value a birthday gift to a CHILD based on how fancy their party is. I’m shocked.

Having said that though you and your friend are obviously cut from the same cloth. Petty and ridiculous- the both of you.

Oh, good god! What on earth?!

I am very glad indeed that my children are now adults and I don't have to deal with all the ridiculous competitiveness that seems to blight the celebration of children's birthdays nowadays.

YANBU OP. But you probably couldn't afford to send your DC to my DC's birthday parties because the venues I choose are so fabulous. Pity really.

OP I think you are in the wrong here with your thinking. It doesn't matter where the party is, how much the party is etc, it's the friendship that matters.

Your friend is also rude for pointing it out to you though.

TBH I've found parties at home often cost just as much as ones at venues by the time you've paid for all the food and little bits to keep them entertained. Also, they take a lot of effort in the preparation and clear up too. I can't say it has ever once crossed my mind to match the value of the gift to the venue of the party. I do however spend more on children I am closer to than ones I barely know so I can see why the 2nd mother felt miffed. Saying that, she was a bit rude to call you out on it.

Oh dear no, having a sliding scale of what is spent on a gift based on the ‘quality’ of the venue seems quite an odd approach anyway, but especially for young children.

I’m surprised your friend mentioned it though as it is a little ungracious.

Both BU imo!

I would not have raised it with you but I feel you've acted inappropriately for sure.

Basically by adopting that method OP, you are giving a more expensive present to the person who can afford a more expensive party.
Slightly unfair, since that would mean that you spend less on a present for the dc of someone who could be less well off.

If they are all equal friends of yours then you should really spend around the same amount on a present for their children.

Bonkers. Both of you.