To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

I would love to know what the first mum thought of your calculations, horrified or justified
Now you begrudge people getting gifts for religious celebrations that they have the audacity to invite you to because you wont be the beneficiary of such gifts owing to your own religious beliefs
You must be exhausted working all this out.

Cool story bro 😎

Made me laugh when I read out Tringleys, 80 - 100 people?? Glad you could use my post to BOAST about your expensive and event of the year function. Must have etched your pathetic ego up a couple of notches.

Shows what you know. I have fuck all money, my annual income is about £12k. But DS and I have a lot of people who we love, family and friends, and want to bring them all together in our home for what actually is an "event of the year function" for us because it's a show of love.

It's not a cheap party with that many people needing to be fed, probably about the same as taking 8-10 kids trampolining. But we like to invite as many friends as possible and their whole families. And as it's a pretty good party, whole families tend to come.

What it costs is effort. I'm fairly crafty and my parents are very crafty, so we make it really special on a budget. I do my best to host everyone thoughtfully, and as I have Jewish family, Muslim, Hindu and ethically vegetarian/vegan friends, coeliac guests and those with nut-allergies and some disabilities that require other dietary care. I make sure there is food for everyone to enjoy regardless of their limitations (which can mean a lot of preparing it from scratch) and take care that it's not contaminated when serving. Surprisingly, this seems to be rare, so these people are touched that their needs have been met as they usually have very little to eat at parties. Which is why they enjoy coming to mine. I put in thought and effort and it does take months of planning. Not full-time obviously, but for the months leading up to it, it's at the back of my mind and I do a bit here and there when needed.

I have some set pieces for entertainment. I have a "snow" machine ready to go in the garden. My dad half reluctantly/half enjoying it, dresses up as a character from whatever DS is into that year and "shows up" halfway through to switch on the snow and pose for photos. I set up a marshmallow factory/chocolate fondue. It's open season on DS's playroom. The house gets trashed but everyone has a lovely time and I'm up until about 1am cleaning up as we normally have family who have travelled to visit over the next morning for a play and an outing. So I like to have the house spotless again in the morning. (One of the 3 times a year it's ever that clean.)

If someone was judging DS's parties as something lacking because I didn't spend as much money per child as someone else, tbh, I wouldn't want them in my life as they are too much of a money oriented arsehole to be worth wasting my time and affection on. As I've said, if all you can afford is an art set from the poundshop or your child has made DS a rocketship from a toilet-roll insert that they are proud to give, then that's completely and totally appreciated. But if you are trying to use money to penalise/reward my DS for the money you think I have spent on you, then please do fuck off.

I wouldn’t give to a child based on venue etc. More what I could afford and what dd picked for their friend.

The party mother was incredibly rude for calling you out on a gift like that.

Even if you got her dd a gift from Poundland, what’s the issue with that.

However, I think OP has had a really hard time here. Posters are saying they have a sliding scale of cost perceived on friendship.

So oh your friendship is worth £5 but x’s friendship is worth more.

This is ok on MN

Op bases it on venue. Oh this VENUE is more expensive so I’ll spend more.

I think of the two basing your scale on a venue is far better! Because I’d rather my venue choice wasn’t worthy of a high present value, than my friendship wasn’t of this value.

This has nothing to do with penalising or punishing children who have parties at home

That's exactly what it is.

How bonkers to think that the party I held at McDonalds one year, and was the cheapest and most stressful party I've ever thrown, was more "deserving" of a higher priced gift than the home parties where the entertainment/bouncy castle/whatever alone cost more than entire McDonalds deal. Now I think about it, the costs of the laser tag, indoor play place, theme park, restaurants, paintball etc parties were less than the home parties with entertainment, heaps of food, prizes etc.

I find this quite shocking tbh.
You and your Mum friend think in a very weird way.

You sound mean, and your friend sounds entitled.

Your post made me cringe.

YABVU.

You all sound like you have too much time on your hands. Do you really spend so much time working this all out? Your reasoning is bizarre.
Your DH is the only person talking sense 'My DH just thinks I should put £10 in a card in every situation and job done'
HTH

Just to add OP. friendship & hospitality is the most important thing here. You are SO wrong to put a price tag on it. You should think about changing your priorities.

I know someone that does this for weddings. They were horrified when someone didn’t choose a venue with a wedding package because they had no idea how much to give as a present. I said it’s another weird case where people with money get more stuff for free. And I stand by that.

WTF have I just read

You're both being unreasonable.

In your situation I would have spent relatively equally on both kids. However i would never question someone on what gift they chose.

I have to say I'm truly shocked at this attitude, it's awful just awful.

Teaching a child to treat a less wealthy person as a lesser person is beyond unreasonable and quite honestly shameful.

Have you actually asked which party your child enjoyed most? In my findings it's often the one that the parent puts the most effort into organising and making it personal for the children involved, the party that's different not the throw money at yet another boring trampoline party.

Having said that I'd. It differentiate in any circumstance, be it for the party with most effort put in or not.

The other parents equally as bad by questioning this, two wrongs don't make a right.

Not only do you need to re-evaluate your present giving as you've stated. You need to re-evaluate teaching your children to differentiate between wealthier and poorer friends. That IMO is truly awful.

@Notso, yes it was a bit like that for me also!

Can’t believe the overthinking that’s going on here. A gift should be something (within your budget, obviously) that you think the recipient would love!

I'm never considered the venue or cost to parents, more the friendship

Clubcuts

@Tringley that is exactly what makes a good party!

I always look for bargains for most of the parties. Regardless of where they're held. Surely that's up to the parents? But
Closer friends get a better present.

Yes Op you are being totally unreasonable! It doesn't matter where a party is held or how much a parent spends on the party. It's about the children having fun. I spend the same amount on any child who's party we are attending (usually around a tenner!)

Also got to say the other other mum shouldn't have brought up the difference in prices of the presents I find that cheeky too.

I think the present should cost the same for every child. I’d think a party at Home showed a lot of time and effort. Also just because a parent spends loads on the party doesn’t mean the child is more deserving of a better present, that’s weird.

You obviously have too much time on your hands both of you. Time to back to working full time I think!

As for complaining about the price of a gift, a free thing you have been given, that is crass.

Sellmyhouse

"I wouldn’t have commented as she did, but I totally disagree with you. The value of a gift shouldn’t be determined by the cost of the party."

I agree with that.

It's almost as if you punished their child because the parents decided on a party at home probably to keep things within their budget rather than risk possibly going over it. Also not everyone thinks spending loads on their child's birthday party sends the right message to their child.

I wouldn't consider the cost of the venue when deciding on the present.

I have a roundabout figure I spend, if I got a bargain, they would get a extra present.

But on the other hand, I wouldn't bring up the value of the present you had given me either.