To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

This is why I stick a tenner in the card.

I've never thought about the venue when doing so but I didn't know that was a thing to be honest. I just treat them equal.

You are beyond unreasonable. No wonder the second mum was upset, although whether she should have mentioned it is debatable. Some of my kids' home parties cost more than the ones they had at venues once all the bits and pieces were factored in!

I have never heard of anyone choosing the price of their gift based on the venue. Most people either have a set budget they apply to all parties, or by type of relationship (ie. more for a very close friend, maybe less for a classmate at an all class party).

My DC was part of a trio of close friends in primary school. Each mother always gave presents of equal value to the other two children, regardless of whether they even had a party, let alone the type of venue.

Completely unreasonable and I’m really surprised you would think this way ahora a children’s birthday party. The child has nothing to do with what a parent can afford or cater for. Standard procedure for us is about £10-13 a present for every party we go to.

She was rude to mention it. But, your thinking is super weird.

WOW

Yes OP, you're wrong, venue cost or whatever is irrelevant (and bizarre).

But the other woman questioning the value of the gift is even MORE crazy! People surely don't really behave like this, do they? I read this wacky stuff on MN all the time but it's never ever happened to me in real life.

YA both being U here.

She shouldn't have queried the price of a gift to her child, that's just rude but I can see why she might have a felt a bit surprised and thought her child undervalued since you spent less than half the amount on her child.

YABU because a gift should have nothing to do with how upscale/pricey the venue is or indeed the cost of the item, it's to do with how close you are and how much you value the relationship to the given recipient.

Generic all class party with no particular relationship to child or family - generic cheap gift. If it's family or a friend's kid you know well and the likes and dislike of a more thoughtful, personal gift is appropriate. The price isn't really that important because something cheaper you know a person will really like can often be more appreciated than an expensive thing you chose simply because it's expensive but with no regard to personal taste.

I don’t question the price of a gift, couldn’t imagine checking amazon to see roughly how much someone had spent

When the invitee, I take the dc to the shops and let them pick what their friend would like (within reason obviously)
If they choose something that costs £3.99 or £10.99 then that’s what they give.

I buy the same and don’t think like this at all.

I'd like to know more about your gift allocation logic, because it sounds batshit.

This thread has got Daily Mail fodder written all over it!

Wow! Can't believe you did this. They are kids and to base the gift on how much their parents had to spend rather than the quality of the frienship is a shit example to be setting your child.
Also an all in party at a venue can cost similar or less than one at home by the time you've bought all the bits and pieces and since you are so mercenary maybe you should have factored in the cost of thoughfulness and time the mum who did the home party put in over the one who made a 10 mins phone call to book a venue.

I spend around the same on each child for a party, give or take a few pounds. It wouldn't occur to me to make it appropriate to the venue. Surely venue could reflect budget so maybe it would be nicer to spend more on the child with a smaller budget?
But ultimately you're both bananas. To text someone asking why the present didn't cost as much as someone else's for me is the height of impropriety anyway - maybe you suddenly have far less money than you did? None of her beeswax either way. When someone gives you or your DC a gift they have thoughtfully chosen, one says thank you very much and that's it. To analyse meaning behind what was spent means someone needs a new hobby.

YABU. The price of the gift should in no way be related to the venue! But she shouldn't have mentioned the gift either. All gifts should be received graciously.

This is really sad and utterly bizarre.

You all sound frightfully shallow and petty.

I hope all the kids don't develop your attitudes. Can you imagine the teenage years?

All school parties get £10-15 whether the party is at home with a biscuit or fancy venue. Close friends get around £20. The relationship rather than the venue would influence what I chose to spend.

I really can't see how anyone can give a gift to a child based on what kind of party their parents had arranged? It seems both arbitrary and weirdly calculating.

Sounds like Carmela Soprano noting down gift values in her little book.

What if you have no idea what the plans are? How do you decide what to spend? It’s an awful idea and surely rewards those children with wealthier parents fancier gifts - why do that?

Stick to a tenner unless it’s a best pal in which case spend a wee bit more.

YABU.

Yabu. You don't only give because you're getting something back. It shouldn't matter what the party costs.

I wouldn't question the cost of a present personally but you've obviously made the difference very obvious and it's a very strange thing to do.
I always get roughly the same cost present regardless of who's party it is and where.

Parties at home can work out really expensive, some of the priciest we've thrown were "just" at home.

Yabu though. Everyone gets roughly the same amount spent, regardless of party type and venue, except very close friends and family who get more.

I'm surprised the mother called you out, but not surprised she and her child were upset if they noticed the difference you'd made. Hard not to see it as a reflection of the friendship!

How utterly bonkers.
I would never in a milion years add up the cost of the venue when 'calculating' present cost. I had a set amount I spent on kids presents for parties (more if they were family, but the same for schoolfriends)
The venue may not have cost as much - but preseumably she had to do a lot more in terms of food prep and cost (I guess fancy venue provided food at £17 a head), time and effort in thinking up entertainment to keep kids occupied. greater amount of supervision 9as I guess venue provides people to supervise use of equipment).
So it all evens out.

And anyway it's irrelevant. Why would you give one kid a smaller gift because thier parents have chosen a different type of party. It sounds as if you think the gift is in reality a gift for the mother not the child. The children should all be treated equally IMO, regardless of what their party is.

Your friend is a rude for questioning the amount spent - but maybe she was gobsmacked . In any case, expect a pack of penny chews for your kid's next birthday from her.

The madness in the world never ceases to amaze me.

The relationship rather than the venue would influence what I chose to spend.
Exactly.

So one of your child's friends whose parents are broke has a jelly and ice cream in the front room type part. They get a smallish gift.

Another friend has Parents who have more disposable income. Their party is a fabulous affair at a theme park, lunch included and a fancy party Bag. Because her parents have splashed more, your daughter's gift to her friend will be more extravagant and costly?

Poor kids. What a lesson to learn.

Home parties here often cost a similar amount and take far more hours in terms of organisation. Also if money was an issue for the party host then surely it is nicer for their dc to get a nice present than a child whose parents have &17 a head to splash on their dc's party who probably already is getting nice presents. Maybe not in this specific case but in general.

I think you're both BU. How much someone's party cost shouldn't have an impact on what present you get for them, unless you have had to fork out a decent amount of your own cash to attend the party. But if I were her, I'd have just let it go as it's just a cheap kid's toy, whether it's £6 or £13. I might think you were an odd fish though.

Of course it's not related to the venue/type of party, that's a strange way of looking at it. You give them all the same level of present.