To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

It would never occur to me to base the cost of a gift on the cost of the party. That's crazy and so unfair to the child! She was rude to mention it but that's a ridiculous way of choosing a gift. We buy dcs friends gifts based on what we know of their interests with a set upper cost limit that's the same for all friends. Sometimes they cost less because the gift we think they'd like is cheaper. I've never heard of anyone doing it your way.

Actually, if you take her mortgage into account, she probably spent more than the first party... 🤔🤔

In honesty I would have thought like your friend but would never have spoken about it. It opened my eyes when I held parties for ds that I had been going ott and possibly looked a bit try hard.
It genuinely didn’t matter to ds what presents cost. The only ones that irritated me about parties were the RSVP dodgers, no shows and ones who just rock up on the day.
Ds did receive a present that cost £1 from his best friend. The family are much more wealthy (holidays,weekends away, bigger house worth three times ours etc I haven’t seen their bank statements!!) That I thought was exceptionally tight. Do you know what though, ds could t have given a monkeys.
So op, if you have one of the really wanted gifts to the other friend Nd something a bit shit to this, it’s a bit mean.

Sorry for typos. Hot fat fingers.

I will take note from all the people who have replied with good manners as I do appreciate genuine opinions. All my DC birthdays are in winter so I am limited to indoor venues and yes my DC have received cheap presents, ie a pair of socks, but honestly hand on heart I have never held that against any child more so because I don't know other people's personal circumstances and if that's what they want to give then fair enough. Once my DS chose a £2 collection toy for his friend and I put £5 in the card too as I didn't feel right just giving that. So no I am not that unreasonable.
I do admit though on giving presents I have budgets for presents and it does vary. £10-£15 for venue, £5-£10 for house party. So I do spend more if I know it's a venue, more out of courtesy than anything else, probably because I know how much a venue can cost. No hidden logic there. Although some people could be right that a house party could end up costing quite a bit. So fair play to those comments.
The present I got was £8 reduced to £6 and it was what my DD chose from several options I gave her within a £10 budget. She must have seen it in Asda due to living almost next door to Asda.

It's not me thinking on purpose to penalise a child for that. I'm sure kids just love opening the presents and have no idea how much it cost etc. I guess I have just thought differently about budgets and what goes in certain situations.
My DH just thinks I should put £10 in a card in every situation and job done and I have thought about that too but the DC think that's boring and love going shopping for and taking gifts. I just point out several options within my budget and let them pick what they like from it.

I can’t believe she questioned you about it, but if you’re all as close as you say you are, you should just spend exactly the same amount on each friend. The kids might notice and the mums in this case certainly notice, so there is no point in spending more on one than the other. Just bound to create problems.
Keep it even, simple.

In fact, when I threw my ds a party in a very inexpensive church hall with food I made myself it meant I could make party bags costing around £7-8 each, no tat, and contained very 'current' little things that I picked individually for each child.

I imagine your reasoning would have backfired somewhat in that situation and you'd have been left feeling really rather embarrassed.

What the what now it’s based on how much you can afford

I am a dab hand at sewing made both dd friends birthday gifts so spent nothing shock horror

You're as bad as each other.

She was incredibly rude to ask. You are ridiculously, massively unreasonable to base the gift you give on the party cost.

Also, the thing about venue parties is that you don’t actually know how much the host has paid. They could have gotten it all for free for all you know (through friends, any number of reasons) so giving them a more expensive gift wouldn’t actually be correct within your reasoning.

I decide the present cost depending on how close the friends are, to either me and dc.

I think it’s actually quite rude to base your present buying on how you rate the party! What if your dc’s best friend didn’t have a party, etc? Would u just not bother buying a present?! I find this really bizarre behaviour! And actually quite mean-spirited.

You should have the same budget for all presents, regardless of party venue. How weird that you spend more just because the parents have spent more

equally it’s weird of the other mother to point it out, unless you were discussing your bizarre logic with her.

It's about friendship not what the party cost- more effort having party at home and doing it all yourself. I always spent the same amount on the gift - never wanted to be judged- sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

No, that's not how it works. Each school/social circle with have a norm re cost of presents. You buy a present to that approximate value regardless of what kind of party it us.

Yabu! Why would you be so mean? Just because one mother chose to splurge on a fancy venue does not mean that the kid deserves a bigger pressie! What sort of message are you sending to your kids?? Oh, he only had a small birthday so deserves a cheap gift... but she spent £100s so deserves more.

Would you do the same if it were a wedding? If the couple could only afford or wanted a simple ceremony in the local pub would you give them a bigger gift than the couple so remortgaged to have the 30k dream day or just so happened to have tgat much? Talk about shallow!

You keep saying “logic” like you’re using any, but none of this makes sense.

The cost of the party is decided by the parents. It doesn’t come out of a lump sum funded by the child, who then gets to keep whatever is left (I.e. like a wedding). You can’t do expenses v income because the money doesn’t come from / go to the same source.

So yes, YABU.

First things first. Don’t you think the Daily Fail is a crappy sexist newspaper.

I understand the OP but think you still should have got equal cost presents as home parties can cos loads and you couldn’t have known how fancy it was beforehand. (I’d have probably told a fib to the rude Mum who was questioning your gift though and told her the more expensive gift was on sale or was an unwanted regift.... it would have saved the drama)

I’ve done home parties that have worked out more expensive than venue parties. 

However, I’m suprised at everyone saying that they don’t consider the type and cost of venue at all. I certainly do although in a low key way. I think the number of guests is a consideration too. If it’s a tiny party I’d be more likely to give a more expensive gift than if it was a whole class party.... I think.

I agree with posters that say they think this is the type of thread the crappy lazy ‘journalists’ in the Daily Fail might pick up on. I hope the OP is ok with that..... 👀👀👀

Surely the present should reflect the friendship. Quite frankly you all sound derranged doing some cost benefit analysis of a kids party and then discussing what price the present was and did it mean you like someone better. If you are all 12 I take this back but your parents should be teaching you all better manners.

The questioning is certainly odd, but the different budgets is also really odd! The likely advantaged kid from the wealthy family who can afford to spend more absolutely get better presents than the poorer family kids who manage to put something together that might be loads more of discretionary income.

YABU

What the parent chooses to spend on a party is irrelevant, your child is attending the birthday party of a good friend, the presents should be of equal value.

You may not realise it but your post comes across as very judgemental especially the way you describe the garden party and food etc. It was a childs party not a wedding!

As a mum this is exactly the kind of parenting 'judgemental' nonsense I can't stand.

That's just wrong, you buy equal presents simple as.

Well, your problems are probably solved for the next few years - I doubt there will be as many invitations if your take on venues vs at home parties works its way around other parents!

I think mum number 2 was out of order bringing it up but I would also question how she knew what you spent. The parents aren't the type who insist on presents being opened at the party are they? Thereby embarrassing anyone who can't afford an expensive present for their little cherub? Otherwise how would they know? I've never discussed gifts my DS has received (other than to say how great it was to a parent whilst he's getting the thank you cards written).

However, words fail me for your attitude! We've done soft play area parties, bowling parties, pizza parties, laser parties and parties in our own home over the years. The ones at home are hard work (both decorating the house before and clearing up Armageddon afterwards) whereas the others just involved us breezing up with a cake and leaving the mess to the venue to clear up afterwards.

Every one at home has had a theme - even down to the food in some cases (witches finger chicken nuggets for Harry Potter themed party anyone?). His last party, at home, was his last big birthday party. He wanted it at home. We did two sporty games, with prizes for everyone, then left them to it to play and finished with a disco in our dining room in the afternoon after 'tea'. I worked out it cost me almost as much as his pizza party last year. We were decorating the house from 9am for a 2pm party and at the end we had to take down all the decorations, hoover nearly every room (10 x 8-11 year olds make more mess than toddlers - it travels further!), clear up toys, wash up crockery from parents who stayed.

The pizza/bowling/laser party were lazy cop outs to be honest!

I actually enjoy having kids partying at our house, regardless how hard the preparation is. It's a joy to welcome them into our home, to make them and their parents feel at home and having a giggle with them rather than have them in what is normally a pretty soulless venue. I've always felt a bit down when I've organised a venue party - for me the preparation is a big part of the party. And his friends have said they enjoy his 'at home' parties (and not just at the end when parents are making them be polite - they've mentioned it to him in class ages later).

So 'punishing' a child for having a party that didn't meet your exacting standards is very, very poor. If parents want to splash the cash that's up to them. But the child is the one getting the gift, not the parent. So you're not 'rewarding' the parent for waggling their wallet. You'd do well to remember that in future.

I have a budget of about £10-£15 for gifts (regardless of venue...) but I try very hard to match the child's tastes to the gift - so one of my DS's friends is into art and a little watercolour pad with watercolour pencils came in nearer the £15 whereas his friend who wanted Lego ended up with something around £12 just because what they enjoy costs a bit more/less.

If I had your attitude DS's friend who lives in a two bedroom flat and had a couple of friends round for to play on the Playstation because that's all they could afford would have got bugger all compared to the friend who went to DiggerLand! What an attitude to hand down to your child!

Wow this is unbelievable to me! You make what should be a happy event for kids seem like some kind of monetary transaction.Why should a child lose out just because their parent didn't splash out so much on a party? Seems very mean spirited to me.Yabvu!

In suspect that the other mother in this story will have done her hone well so you won’t have a problem with buying party presents in future
Job done

You have a bizarre approach to present giving! The gift has nothing to do with the venue and everything to do with how much you value the friendship