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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:
Helloflamingogo · 08/07/2018 11:29

You need to be honest with BIL. You’re not her parent.

9amTrain · 08/07/2018 11:30

I agree with above.

Scoopofchaff · 08/07/2018 11:30

You need to be honest with your bil about your views.

Apehouse · 08/07/2018 11:31

Breach of trust. She’s not an adult and you’re taking temporary responsibility on the conditions set by her parents. Keep to their rules or don’t host her. Or host her without the boyfriend.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 08/07/2018 11:31

I would follow BIL wishes. If you can't do that then tell him and let him decide.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2018 11:32

How dare you ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2018 11:32

You have to tell BIL what you think so he doesn’t send them thinking one thing while you do another.

I find his approach very odd bit it’s not your call to make.

Ellisandra · 08/07/2018 11:32

Your BIL has asked for separate rooms, you are absolutely unreasonable not to respect that!

What would be reasonable, is for you to tell him that you’re not prepared to take responsibility for policing their behaviour beyond providing separate rooms.

Glumglowworm · 08/07/2018 11:32

You need to be honest with BIL. He and DN’s Mum can then decide whether they’re willing to let her visit in those circumstances

Personally I agree with you, but it’s not my child or your child so it’s not up to us.

YANBU to want to live with other people’s restructions in your home but YABU to not make this clear in advancd

BlueBug45 · 08/07/2018 11:32

OP your BIL is unreasonable. You can't guard teenagers all the time.

nokidshere · 08/07/2018 11:34

It's not your call. You need to tell her parents that you can't or won't be doing as they ask and let them decide if she still comes.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 08/07/2018 11:34

She can't guard them all the time, but there's a difference between that and actively going against his wishes re bedrooms and then compounding that by not telling him.

SD1978 · 08/07/2018 11:35

You should rescind the offer to have them stay. If you’re not willing to accept and enforce the rules her parents have set down, you shouldn’t accept responsibility for them. They are children, and you don’t respect their parents. Whether they are children who are
Legally old enough to have sex or not, is not the point.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 08/07/2018 11:37

Um, surely once she's over the age of consent it's nobody's business but hers? Confused

BunsOfAnarchy · 08/07/2018 11:38

No offence but your opinion doesnt matter in this situation as her parents have set the rules.

If u wish not to follow then dont host her.

Soubriquet · 08/07/2018 11:38

I don't care if my dd was legally able to have sex but I would be outright furious with you, if you allowed them to under your roof with permission!

My dd, my rules. Fine kids are going to have sex but how dare you allow them after being told no

rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 11:38

If it easy your daughter (and her BF was not over 18) YWBU.

It's not your daughter so yes, you would be. If she argues say, "it's your father's rule, not mine"; she can take it up with him.

If you feel very strongly about it maybe have a word with him, but nothing underhand.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2018 11:38

If the parents don't want or approve...then don't allow same bedrooms. I wouldn't.

Going against that would be wrong of you and as the parent I'd be furious.

SilverySurfer · 08/07/2018 11:39

Your BiL is being unreasonable to expect you to be on guard 24/7 to stop them having sex but you would be unreasonable not to tell him that beyond giving them separate rooms, you are not prepared to do that. It's then up to him.

RedPanda2 · 08/07/2018 11:39

Why is your BIL so protective of her sex life? It's a bit creepy tbh. I think you should be questioning that. If you can't leave them alone together it's going to be a stressful stay.

rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 11:39

*YWNBU, sorry. I clearly need another cup of tea, second time I've done that today.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2018 11:39

Tell your BIL that the boyfriend tagging along is not going to work for you. Going against his wishes regarding the sleeping arrangements is a HORRIBLE idea, but him expecting you to police them 24/7 is utterly ridiculous. You might as well be hosting an infant if that's the case.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2018 11:39

Um, surely once she's over the age of consent it's nobody's business but hers?

My house...my business.

SharronNeedles · 08/07/2018 11:40

Im guessing your not a parent then OP?

Branleuse · 08/07/2018 11:40

do not have them to stay. You need to let your BIL know that you have no intention of seperating them, so he can decide whether he allows his child to stay with you