Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:
wombat1a · 08/07/2018 11:40

I would go with the separate rooms, and try to honour the rest of the requests as far as practical. However I would not police anything and if one of them decides to change their bedroom after I was in bed then that's nothing to do with me.

ReHorsing · 08/07/2018 11:40

I don't think anybody in this situation is 'letting' her have sex. That's such a creepy way to phrase it.

She'll do what she damn well pleases at 16, and BIL needs to get his head around that.

Treacletoots · 08/07/2018 11:41

Let them have a room each. If they choose to sleep together that's her call. It's really noone else's business and I think you already agree. BiL is entitled to an opinion but his daughters sex life is that. Hers.

TashaYar · 08/07/2018 11:43

I’d tell BIL what you will and won’t do. It’s not up to him, or you, to police her sex life but you should be honest. She’s over the age of consent and has bodily autonomy, assuming of course she has mental capacity to make these decisions. I think his attitude is creepy and disgusting.

AMAWriter · 08/07/2018 11:44

I would cancel the visit. You can't be expected to police a couple of 16 year olds. Offering them a room each is all you can do.

crunchymint · 08/07/2018 11:46

I find it a bit strange calling a 16 year old a child. At 16 you can get married.

Original poster
upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:46

Im guessing your not a parent then OP?

I'm pregnant with my 6th child, my eldest is 22.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 08/07/2018 11:46

Tell BIL you do not have two rooms available and there is no way you are going to plan things so that they are never left alone together. He is being a total cheeky fucker here.

How on earth are you supposed to manage this? Fucking ridiculous request.

Either he accepts it or they don't come.

Scoopofchaff · 08/07/2018 11:47

Call me old-fashioned I don't care but I disagree that it's not a parent's business whether their 16 yr old is having sex or not. It may be legal to do so, but it is not necessarily ideal or optimum behaviour at that age.

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/07/2018 11:48

I would comply with bil's request for separate rooms but let him know that I wasn't going to police them. Not leaving them alone in the day for eg is crazy.

Fifthtimelucky · 08/07/2018 11:48

Do you have two spare bedrooms for the duration of the visit? If so, then it doesn't seem unreasonable for you to provide them. However, I think it is unreasonable to expect you never to leave them alone together in the day.

If you can't or don't want to abide by your brother in law's rules, tell him and let him decide whether he still wants to visit to go ahead.

Zucker · 08/07/2018 11:50

Are you going to shadow them at every opportunity?

Its none of anyone business.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 11:50

BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day

BiL sounds like a controlling , suspicious nightmare.

You didn't say which country they are in but in the U.K. a 16 year old is not a child. MN posters are very keen on designating teenagers as not adults/ still children and assuming that parents have rights to tell children what the can/can't do. Children start acquiring rights at various ages for various purposes. At 16 in the UK children can legally have sex (and whether parents like it or not, it's none of their business) leave home and in Scotland get married without parents' consent.

Your BIL has asked for separate rooms, you are absolutely unreasonable not to respect that!

Why does OP need to respect that?

LarryUnderwood · 08/07/2018 11:50

Have you spoken to her about wha she wants? When I was her age I was (secretly) relieved that my mum and other parents were strict about separate bedrooms. It made it a lot easier for me to set my own boundaries in an atmosphere of peer pressure. Not all teenagers are self possessed enough to be clear about what they do and don’t want in new relationships. Of course she may we’ll be fine with it, it’s not really for you to decide for her though.

Original poster
upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:50

Okay its mostly seems IABU, I will have to tell him I'm not going to do that and she wont come.
I really dont think he should have the right to say she isnt allowed to have sex so I definately don't feel I have the right to tell her she can't, its none of my business.
My parents didnt let me, I was doing it unprotected in unsafe public places anyway and then I moved out at 17, I care about my niece and dont want her doing the same.

OP posts:
dove6493 · 08/07/2018 11:51

She's over the age of consent so your BIL is being an idiot. She should be able to make her own decisions herself about when and if she wants to have sex. Having your parents involved in such things just damages views on sex IMO.

She may not even want to have sex, but her parents shouldn't be getting involved at all.

cherrytrees123 · 08/07/2018 11:51

You must abide by your BIL's wishes, but I would tell him you don't want to be in loco parentis, policing them. They will probably creep along the landing at night. If he can't live with that, he will have to explain to his daughter that she can't come and stay.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 08/07/2018 11:51

Your BIL has asked for separate rooms, you are absolutely unreasonable not to respect that!

^This. If you can't respect his wishes then don't have her. Simple.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/07/2018 11:51

It's irrelevant if OP a parent or not. Get off your high horse.

Cutietips · 08/07/2018 11:52

It really is ridiculous to expect you to police this. My daughter, my rules only works if you’re around to police it. The OP isn’t hosting in any professional capacity, such as a teacher or hostal. Personally OP I’d withdraw the offer. If anything happened, like her getting pregnant, the brother would blame you. I agree it’s a bit creepy to be this involved in a daughter’s sex life. He must be a reasonably regular boyfriend if they’re planning to stay together for such a long time.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/07/2018 11:52

I think separate rooms is not unreasonable and you should honour that, but he can't really expect you to drag them out of the house whenever you go out and go galloping up the stairs if they shut the door for several weeks. A weekend, fair enough, but that would be incredibly limiting for you!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/07/2018 11:52

Absolutely you should provide separate rooms, if only because you don't know your niece and/or the boyfriend want to have sex - it might be legal but it's not an obligation and plenty of 16 year olds don't feel ready. Don't let your desire to be a cool aunt override a teenager's delicate (and changeable) feelings. But I wouldn't be policing them otherwise and I would tell BIL that. If he wants her and the boyfriend to observe a particularl standard of behaviour and that's the condition of the holiday then he needs to make that clear to them.

dove6493 · 08/07/2018 11:53

A father/parents do not own or control his daughter's virginity anymore. If she wants to have sex it's none of her parents' business and I'm shocked some users think it is.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 11:54

If you can't or don't want to abide by your brother in law's rules, tell him and let him decide whether he still wants to visit to go ahead

BiL sounds as someone put it a total cheeky fucker here.

youknowwherethecityis · 08/07/2018 11:54

Do you have enough rooms to let them be separate and not affect any other plans you might have (for example if anyone else wants to stay over)? If so then why not just respect the BILs wishes? If not then just tell BIL there's not enough space for them to have separate bedrooms.