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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:
crunchymint · 08/07/2018 12:17

Which is why it is their choice of whether to share a bedroom or not. And not all young adults sharing a bedroom are actually having full sex.

Summersup · 08/07/2018 12:18

It's fine to decide what to allow in your own home. They are 16, you won't be policing them, let your BIL know that.

Norms have really changed. My parents were quite liberal in some ways, but even at 19 my dad told me there was no way on this earth my boyfriend would be allowed to stay in my room whatever we did outside the house. I never had anyone to stay over til I married in my early 30's!

Luckily these attitudes have died out!

cholka · 08/07/2018 12:19

I'm not sure there's a force on earth that could stop two randy 16 year olds having sex if they're determined to - fair enough if they're not. My parents had a separate rooms rule when I was a teenager and we'd just bonk in the afternoons and creep into the same room at night.
BIL gets to say what happens under his roof and the terms on which his dd can come to yours, but you ultimately have the day on what happens in your house. Just tell him what you're prepared to do and let him decide.

mydogishot · 08/07/2018 12:21

It's threads like this that make me doubt the integrity of mn.

If I'd post a post up of my daughter (16) is going away with her bf, is it too much for me to insist that the family they are staying with chaperone them everywhere and endure to sexy times?

I'd be flamed for trying to micromanage and control my dd from a far and I can't control what happens in someone else's home.

If he doesn't trust her, he shouldn't send her. Poor girl.

category12 · 08/07/2018 12:22

Just tell BIL you don't have the room or time to police his daughter's visit. Seems bizarre that he would let them go on a trip together for weeks yet have these views. Hmm

If you're offering to have them, I guess they'll need to share with the other dc as I wouldn't be providing them a room to sleep in together against his express wishes. But I'd say I wasn't prepared to police them, and let him take or leave it - you've plenty on your plate with your own dc.

nellieellie · 08/07/2018 12:22

There can only be one answer to this. If BIL says no to room sharing then so be it. If you cannot abide by this then you need to tell BIL and rescind offer to stay. She is not 18 so whether it’s legal or not you cannot go against their wishes and deceive them - really surprised you have to even ask.

mydogishot · 08/07/2018 12:23

Ensure no*

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 08/07/2018 12:23

Tbh if they don’t do it in your house they’ll probably do it elsewhere anyhow

happymummy12345 · 08/07/2018 12:24

Personally I agree with you and think all this separate bedrooms and not being alone is a load of shit. 16 is the legal age to have sex, that's how it is. Much better they do it in the house safe than try and find somewhere else to do it.
I hate parents like that.

MessyBun247 · 08/07/2018 12:24

Controlling parents create secretive children. BIL is being stupid expecting you to police them for their entire stay at your home. I would set up beds in separate rooms for them but that would be it. And I’d be telling BIL that.

At 17 I went to stay at a boyfriends home for the weekend. My mum phoned his mum and said we had to sleep in separate rooms. Which we did. But we also had sex when his mum went out of the house.

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2018 12:30

I think the only unreasonable part of the request was to expect you to police them 24/7. That's just ridiculous.

Caribou58 · 08/07/2018 12:32

What would be reasonable, is for you to tell him that you’re not prepared to take responsibility for policing their behaviour beyond providing separate rooms.

This.

reddressblueshoes · 08/07/2018 12:33

I think you're being massively unreasonable.

It is entirely possible that your niece would like to be able to tell her boyfriend 'I wish we could sleep together buy my aunt won't allow us share a room.' The age of consent is a minimum, not a target, and while its not criminal I'd say a large number of 16 year olds aren't emotionally ready to be sexually active.

That is not something you can decide for a child who lives in a different country who you don't know well. Also - THEY ARE NOT ADULTS. It is not a criminal act for them to have sex, but under 18 they are still considered children, which is something a lot of posters seem to miss.

I had quite overprotective parents and while it drove me crazy at the time, it meant I didn't make any choices I may have regretted. They let me go away at 16 with friends etc and stay in hostels, so theoretically I could have been up to all sorts but they wouldn't have let me be in the situation you're proposing. I have a number of friends who regret how young they were when they lost their virginity, and I honestly think a few years at that age makes a world of difference. I don't know anyone over the age of 18 who regretted the circumstances of their losing their virginity, (assuming fully consensual) but a lot under that age who looking back felt pressured/that they had to, etc.

For two children you don't know v well, its really not your call to make.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 08/07/2018 12:34

BIL is all probably a hypocrite who had sex at 16 too.

TarragonChicken · 08/07/2018 12:35

Whatever happened to 'your house, your rules'?!

OP, I think you should mention to BIL that you will not be following DN and boyfriend around, watching them like a hawk, but you will provide them with separate bedrooms.

happypoobum · 08/07/2018 12:38

Really reddress ? You would spend weeks of your summer ensuring two teenagers were never left alone in the house together and OP is U for not agreeing to this?

Ok then.....Confused

CookieSue222 · 08/07/2018 12:38

SHE IS HIS CHILD.
IF HE HAS NO PROBLEM WITH THE BOYFRIEND BEING THERE HE IS JUST ABDICATING RESPOSIBILITY.
I WOULD JUST ABOUT KILL SOMEONE FOR DROPPING THIS SHIT ON ME. If the BF is allowed to travel with her - SURELY Bil knows they might share a bed.
Love my DN to pieces - would NOT tolerate this crap though. It's either YES or NO.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 08/07/2018 12:38

If she follows his wishes and they have separate rooms then they decide to sneak into each others rooms at night, that's fine and that's their business.
What if by putting them in the same room your are forcing DN into a situation she doesn't want to be in yet? How does anyone know she's ready or already having sex? It's not a given. No 16 isn't a child but it's not an adult either and some 16 year olds are still very immature.
His ideas of policing her are creepy and ridiculous, but I don't see why wanting them in separate rooms is such a shocker.

CookieSue222 · 08/07/2018 12:39

Sorry to shout, but this really winds me up.

Newbabyat47 · 08/07/2018 12:40

^^ this.

CookieSue222 · 08/07/2018 12:42

No, but they are travelling together as a couple, so why does OP have to be the morality Police when the Bil thinks its OK for him to just lay down the law and then bugger off?

Newbabyat47 · 08/07/2018 12:42

Your BIL has asked for separate rooms, you are absolutely unreasonable not to respect that!

What would be reasonable, is for you to tell him that you’re not prepared to take responsibility for policing their behaviour beyond providing separate rooms

^^ this

DiegoMadonna · 08/07/2018 12:42

Yeah, I think I would just say that I'm not willing to spend a few weeks trying to keep a couple of 16 year olds apart from each other at all times, so if it'd probably be better if the BF doesn't come. It's then up to your BiL what to do, knowing your position on the whole thing.

FlyingMonkeys · 08/07/2018 12:43

@reddress Champion! In which case OP is well within her rights to tell CF relatives to fuck off and sort out their own kids holiday arrangements.

Summersup · 08/07/2018 12:44

Does everyone have two separate spare rooms then for 16 and over visitors?!

It's not just about their relationship, it's about what's on offer in your home. If you have a spare room, then it seems to me entirely reasonable for them to share it, it's then up to them whether they do or don't have sex, or have one of them on the floor/in the bed.

If they were staying in a hotel or B and B, would you get them two rooms just so no-one felt pressured?

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