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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:
jay55 · 08/07/2018 11:55

Not all sixteen year olds are looking for every opportunity to do it and putting them in the same room may add pressure neither of them want.

NoelHeadbands · 08/07/2018 11:55

It’s a headache I wouldn’t want. If I could accommodate the two rooms thing I would, but as far as the policing of their behaviour- nope. It’s not down to me to tell two people over the legal age of consent that they can’t have sex, not be constantly checking up on them to make sure they’re abstaining.

I’d give back word.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2018 11:55

Tbh..... I don't know why he's agreed to have her visit with the boyfriend at all.

I wouldn't allow my 16 yo to do that...but I'm stricter in that regard. Absolutely not under my roof.

crunchymint · 08/07/2018 11:55

I had sex at 16 with a boyfriend and am glad I did. 16 is not too young to have sex. So many on here treat older teenagers as if they were little kids.

Original poster
upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:55

Do you have two spare bedrooms for the duration of the visit?

My eldest was going to go and stay with her bf while they were here and let them have her room, if they need a room each they would have to share with my younger children.

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 11:55

A father/parents do not own or control his daughter's virginity anymore. If she wants to have sex it's none of her parents' business and I'm shocked some users think it is

This with bells on. I'm shocked too by the responses that OP must obey his rules.

Charliebob1337 · 08/07/2018 11:56

End of the day if they are going to have sex they will find a way. Whether it be when you pop out to the shops, just "hanging" together in their room. I had a stable relationship from the age of 15-18 with my first boyfriend and his mum was the exact same. It never stopped us lol.

MaryandMichael · 08/07/2018 11:56

Give them separate rooms.
You can't police more than that.
If they want to have sex, they will.
Nose out, eh?
You don't get to say whether they can have sex or not. And by wanting to encourage it, you're being a bit creepy, frankly.

Ethylred · 08/07/2018 11:56

Nice wind-up OP.

OurMiracle1106 · 08/07/2018 11:57

Think YWBU to allow them to sleep in the same room and not provide separate bedrooms
But I also think BIL is unreasonable in expecting you to watch them all day. Is he expecting you to watch them if they go out? Are you never supposed to have a bath/go out alone etc?

If your niece really wants to they will find a way.

I would say “sorry BIL I don’t think niece and her boyfriend coming to stay will work as I haven’t capacity to comply with your wishes for them to be watched or kept seperate at all times”

I actually think it would be a horrid atmosphere doing as he has asked. Always watching them, you constantly on guard. What happens when you sleep? Too much tbh

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/07/2018 11:57

I had sex at 16 with a boyfriend and am glad I did. 16 is not too young to have sex IF YOU WANT TO.

Original poster
upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:57

My OP does say Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine, I'm happy to provide seperate room if thats what they want, not if its what BiL wants.
If they want seperate rooms then niece can share with one of my DC or I'll probably put two of mine in together.

OP posts:
WigglyBlossom · 08/07/2018 11:57

OP, you are assuming that she actually wants to share a bed with her boyfriend and that she is already sexually active.

Failingat40 · 08/07/2018 11:57

Have I missed something here?!

This girl is 16 years old and legally allowed to consent to, and have sex.

Why the fuck should her father try and control her mind and body !?

This has made me furious.

Maybe he should wrap her up and keep her in a closet?!!

Tell him to fuck off.

NommyChompers · 08/07/2018 11:59

She is 16 and her parents have no business policing when she has sex outside their home. If they had separate rooms are you supposed to camp out in the hallway to make sure they aren’t bed hopping?

Cutietips · 08/07/2018 11:59

And OP my parents were like yours. It did me nothing but harm. Open discussions and instilling confidence in teens’ abilities to only do what they feel comfortable doing is far healthier.

Original poster
upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:59

And by wanting to encourage it, you're being a bit creepy, frankly.

What? I dont want to encourage it. I don't care what she does as its none of my business, I dont feel comfortable telling her she isnt allowed because her dad doesnt want her to though.

OP posts:
XiCi · 08/07/2018 12:00

Do you actually know whether your niece wants to share a bed with her boyfriend? Do you know whether they are having sex? It may be the case that your niece wants separate rooms.

Scoopofchaff · 08/07/2018 12:01

I obviously don't know the bil and his intentions in this instance, but they are not necessarily about controlling virginity; it can be about a genuinely concerned parent trying to protect their offspring from an experience for which, in their best judgement, they are not emotionally ready. Some sixteen year olds just aren't. And I don't give a stuff about the legalities.

OliviaStabler · 08/07/2018 12:01

You tell your BIL they will have separate rooms but you cannot police them 24/7. He either accepts that or they don't visit.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 12:01

I'd be very tempted to tell Bil to fuck off. I'm really shocked by the number of responses supporting his controlling attitude.

Loopytiles · 08/07/2018 12:01

I wouldn’t have time or energy to police visiting teens’ actions. I also wouldn’t want DD to have to move out for the duration of the visit! So I would tell BiL that. He would probably not let his DD visit, but that’d be between him and his DD.

viques · 08/07/2018 12:01

If she was your child then that would be your choice because you would be there to support your own child through any unforeseen consequences like pregnancy, abortion, std, coercion, sexual bullying, sexual abuse etc etc. that could arise from a young girl , who you probably don't know that well, sleeping with a young man who you don't know at all.

But since she is not your child and you would not be there to pick up the pieces (if there were any pieces)then you need to either

A) abide by your BILs request for separate rooms and keeping an eye on them

B) tell your BIL that you can't abide by his request so the invitation is rescinded.

You would be very wrong IMO to imply to your BIL that you would do A but in fact deliberately plan to put them in the same room and let them get on with it.

Yes the girl is legally old enough to sleep with whoever she wants to, but that is not the issue, the issue is you lying about your plans and you ignoring the fact that there could be consequences to this relationship that could have a wider impact on your nieces life that you are not privy to and are clearly not prepared to consider.

crunchymint · 08/07/2018 12:01

And my mum did instill confidence in me t only do what I want. If you don't have this, you can have unwanted sex at 16 or 26. Plenty of adults have sex they don't want.

Slanetylor · 08/07/2018 12:03

Why are two 16 year olds going in holiday together!? This makes no sense. If they can’t afford a holiday together, going to stay with an aunt who has to mind them seems crazy. Is she your niece or your husbands niece? Or is her mother not in the scene?

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