To let niece (16) have sex

[upsideup]

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

You have responsibility for your fb while she is staying with you. Are you prepared to deal with your bil if she goes home pregnant?

Sorry, that should be dn, not fb.

Im torn to be honest. Your BIL is being very unrealistic if he honestly hand on heart thinks two 16 year olds in a relationship are not having sex. I take it he was never 16.
Legally no one can stop them sleeping together. My attitude is. It's better understanding my roof than in a park, because if they're going to do it. They'll find somewhere.

it can be about a genuinely concerned parent trying to protect their offspring from an experience for which, in their best judgement, they are not emotionally ready

Really? Trying to dictate they can't even be alone together during the day? That says to me "controlling bully" not "genuinely concerned parent"

It’s even more presumptuous though to not offer them separate rooms and to assume that at sixteen they’re sleeping together and want to be.

Not all sixteen year olds are having sex and neither should they feel that it’s an expectation.

You MUST respect your BiL, or not host them. Otherwise you could find yourself sending a pregnant niece home. At the very least, you'll be breaching his trust. And he WILL find out.

You do realise that if the legal age for her having sex in her own country is above 16, and she were to get pregnant under your care, then there could be serious implications for her, her partner and their families when they returned home, don't you?

I would be furious with you for taking that approach without having discussed with me previously

And as someone has already said, it's extremely presumptious to assume they are sleeping together.

Yes this is overly controlling behaviour. And I went on holiday with a friend at 16 who was a boy. Not a boyfriend though.
Glad I didn't have some of you as a parent.

I think you should wait until she is 17/18 before letting her boyfriend come to stay then tell their father they will be staying together. He can’t police their sleeping arrangements from adulthood in someone else’s house.

Where are they from? You may find the country they come from she (they?) is below the legal age of consent. The age of consent ranges from about 14-18 in Europe. My dd is only 10. Dh thinks it’s fine for her to have a bf to stay from 16. I think it’s a little young. When I was a child I matured a lot even from 16 to 17 when School was no longer compulsory. I’m with the father on this one tbh.

If you cba to mind them that’s fine but you need to tell BIL this.

Wow I would be so angry at u if this was my child and u went behind my back..
For what it's worth I agree with u 'RE the sleeping/sex situation but it's not your place or choice to decide when its not your child...go with what her parents want.
Maybe talk to them and share your point but ultimately you need to go with what they decide

There are very few countries with an age of consent above 16 years of age. Gambia and Gabon. Many countries have a younger age of consent than 16.

So they're responsible enough to go on holiday together... but not trustworthy to not start shagging the minute a door closes? Sounds insane. Tell BIL you'll host your niece but you'll take zero responsibility of her sex life. If he's that arsed he can visit with her. Or not send her boyfriend along too.

Thank you @crunchiemint - I think that was for my knowledge!

I think if you are hosting people for a long period you do have some say in what the arrangements are. There's a broader responsibility you have towards any young people to make sure they're kept free from harm and that illegal activity doesn't take place. But as host I think allocating rooms is also about the general convenience of the household. I think if somebody told me I want you to look after people in this particular labour and supervision-intensive way for 3 weeks, I'd ask myself if I really was prepared to do it. If I felt that I was being treated like a hotel keeper ('The booking is for two rooms) and a nanny (I expect constant supervision) I would expect to be paid accordingly.

FFS parents can not control their children for ever. And others should not collude in that controlling.

I looked online and the age of consent where they are is actually 15.

Hmm tricky. On the one hand you wouldn't being undermined in your parenting choices of your own children, so you should respect your brother's parenting choices.

On the other hand it's asking quite a lot of you and your family to make two rooms available and police your neice and her bf. If it's so important to your brother he'd be wise to not let your niece go away for several weeks with her bf. He's asking a lot of you.

I would be inclined to tell your brother that it will be difficult for you to police them. Especially as you have 5 children of your own to look after and a pregnancy to nurture.

As I said LassWiadDelicateAir no one but the op can know this man's intentions, but I was replying to a post saying it was about a man controlling a woman's virginity. I just pointed out another possible scenario.

In some instances it can be very liberating for a teen girl to know that she is not expected or obliged to have sex. We parents need to support that sometimes when the entire world of media seems to be telling her something else.

argh - didn't intend the word "sometimes" to be in post there!

Hang on a minute 'not leave them at home alone during the day'.... Is OP expected to take 2 weeks off work and not leave the house during this? Tell niece she can visit but her boyfriend can't because her dad thinks they'll have sex. I doubt OP will have to host any of them after that.

I think BIL is being OTT- she is 16 years old and (in this country at least) legally allowed to have sex if she wishes.

That said, I think you should have separate bedrooms- if they chose not to avail themselves of that then at least they have the option, including a space of their own if needed.

Some teens can feel pressured into having sex, so may be relieved that this decision is taken away from them as it makes it easier to set boundaries- e.g. being offered separate rooms rather than being presented with a shared room with the presumption that she would want this, and faced with the assumption that she and boyfriend are having sex (and then may feel like she ought to be behaving differently). I agree with a poster who said Not all teenagers are self possessed enough to be clear about what they do and don’t want in new relationships. Of course she may well want to share a room, but you don't really know that yet.

I think you need to say to BIL that you are not happy to do as he requests re watching them/not allowing them to be alone together etc. He and your sister can then decide where they go from here. Dishonesty could lead to more trouble than it's worth, and may cause issues within your family or between you and your sister. If you think that risk worth it, then I suppose you could choose to go ahead regardless.

I would also second a previous poster who said you don't actually know what your niece wants. Don't project your own feelings and experiences onto her.

If you cannot provide separate bedrooms then the OP should politely decline, advising that the DN is welcome by herself.