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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 10/07/2018 15:57

My father was extremely upset with my brother sleeping around. My brother thought he was cool for bedding so many girls and my Dad glared at him and told him he needs to find one girl and practice since none of his one night stands came back for seconds.

My family are an 'immigrant family' though and I slept in a separate bedroom at our parents houses to DH until we were married. My friends parents were more relaxed with the exception of my friends who were also from immigrant families.

flamingofridays · 10/07/2018 16:02

Bil sounds like a dick. If she want as to have sex with bf then she will have done by now.

Id just tell him if they're staying they're staying in the same room. Let him be the bad guy when he doesn't want her to go.

flamingofridays · 10/07/2018 16:11

A lot of posters are talking about this like she is 6 and op is feeding her sugar against bils wishes.

She's 16 ffs. I mean does BIL really think he can make "Parenting choices" A bout when where and how his daughter has sex?

fridgepants · 10/07/2018 16:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Mousefunky · 10/07/2018 16:14

16 and 17 year olds aren’t children. It’s an incredibly grey area legally but they can work, technically live alone and of course, have sex. I think they should also be allowed to vote but there you go.

I don’t think her sex life is any of her Dad’s business and I’d be pissed off to be micromanaged like that as a 16 year old. I agree with you but you need to inform BIL of your intentions because he will likely find out at some point and be pissed off.

ThomasNightingale · 10/07/2018 16:22

I like the cut of your dad’s jib Supermum.

callmeadoctor · 10/07/2018 16:26

Golly the thought of ANYBODY else having sex in my house make me feel eugh!!!!!!!

LittleMissMarker · 10/07/2018 16:30

I would give them separate bedrooms but refuse to police them. And tell BiL that. Mind you, if he is sending his DD off on holiday with her boyfriend and is expecting them not to have sex then he is batshit. Make it clear that you will not be responsible.

MaisyPops · 10/07/2018 16:34

It's reasonable to offer separate rooms. He is her parent.

It's not unreasonable for him to expect you to police them all the time and to tell you never to leave them alone together.

You should make your position on things clear and tell the truth to BIL. Lying to BIL would be wrong.

Original poster

upsideup · 10/07/2018 16:51

He is DH's brother, they don't talk so its organised this through me. Niece has been sent to come and stay with us every summer for the last few years, its meant to be more of educational trip to learn about england and where she helps do some babysitting for us, which she does to rather than a holiday.

DH is friends with her bf's parents, niece originally asked us if he could come with her this year and we organised him comming through his parents, it isnt really anything to do with BiL so if he doesnt send niece we will still host her bf.

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 10/07/2018 16:58

Ahhh. This makes sense now - he doesn't want BF to go with his daughter at all. His attitude didn't really make sense when I assumed BiL was happily sending them off together on holiday.

Graphista · 10/07/2018 17:31

So essentially you'd ALREADY gone behind his back in inviting the boyfriend in the first place without considering the ramifications?

Why did the brothers fall out? Anything to do with you and dh disagreeing with how HE parents HIS DC?

Original poster

upsideup · 10/07/2018 17:43

Graphista

We didnt go behind his back, he knew we were inviting the bf as well as his dd spoke to him about it before she asked us but surely we can invite whoever we want to our house?
Its irrelevant why they fell out but it happended when DH was 9 and BiL was 27 so was nothing to do with me and hardly Dh's fault

OP posts:

BolleauxtoBankers · 10/07/2018 18:25

To be fair, after reading your last post, I think you are deliberately winding your BIL up by separately inviting your niece's boyfriend.

XiCi · 10/07/2018 18:43

Fucking hell OP, that was a bit of an emission from your OP don't you think? I think there would have been a lot of different answers if you had been honest about the situation!

XiCi · 10/07/2018 18:43

*omission

Graphista · 10/07/2018 18:47

"To be fair, after reading your last post, I think you are deliberately winding your BIL up by separately inviting your niece's boyfriend."

I agree.

Not sure I'm buying you spoke to him before she asked you either - why would you? Unless it was actually the bf idea, dh knew he wanted to come perhaps his friends said to dh? But the "official" request came from niece.

The more you post the more I'm deeply uncomfortable and concerned a 16 year old girl may be getting cornered into a situation she has no power in by not one but 5 people, 4 of whom are certainly old & experienced enough to know better.

Original poster

upsideup · 10/07/2018 19:00

Niece spoke to her dad first about asking us if her bf could come too, he said yes to her before we did. We wouldnt have invited the bf his own, DH hasnt seen or spoken to him or his parents for years, we only got back in contact with them when niece asked if he could come (with her dads permission) and told us we knew his parents.
It wasnt our idea for him to come, I don't know what I havent been honest about?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2018 19:09

The op isn’t misrepresenting the situation - it wasn’t their idea to invite bf. But if the dp &bil fell out unrecoverably when dp was 9 YEARS OLD ie a young child and bil was 27 it sounds like bil is impossible to get on with anyway, short of murdering something I can’t imagine what a 9yo could do that means a 27 yo brother never speaks to him again. Maybe dh suggested he thought bil was having sex with a gf

Justtheonequestion · 10/07/2018 19:19

I wouldnt stand for my daughtee fetching a boyfriend home overnight. No way. Its disrespectful and inappropriate to the extreme. I wouldnt have sex in my mums house now, nor would i sleep overnight with a partner. It just shows a lack of standards and respect, and isnt something i would ever encourage.

Graphista · 10/07/2018 21:18

Timeisnot - I wouldn't be so sure about the bil being the difficult one.

As for "it doesn't really have anything to do with bil" I beg to differ.

Do you have DC of this age or older op?

Original poster

upsideup · 10/07/2018 22:52

Do you have DC of this age or older op?

I've already said that we have 5 DC, DD1 is 22.

OP posts:

greenlynx · 10/07/2018 23:37

I can’t imagine what a 9yo could do that means a 27 yo brother never speaks to him again.
It could be disagreement in the family, not with OP’s DH personally, different members of the family ended up at different sides.

Graphista · 10/07/2018 23:45

I knew you had 5 DC wasn't sure on ages.

How would you have felt if when they were under 18 they'd gone to stay at bil's and he'd allowed, nay encouraged them to do an activity that, although legal, you disagreed with?

Original poster

upsideup · 11/07/2018 08:57

How would you have felt if when they were under 18 they'd gone to stay at bil's and he'd allowed, nay encouraged them to do an activity that, although legal, you disagreed with?

Firstly I would never have sent her to stay with BiL so that would never have happened. When she turned 16 she was allowed to have sex, I might have encouraged her and discouraged from doing certain things but it was absolutely her decision to make, not mine. I disagree with eating meat but its legal and my children are allowed to if they want to in mine or anyone elses home, there lots of legal things I disagree with which my children are allowed to.

And I'm not encouraging them to have sex, I really dont care if they do but I just dont want to stop them either

OP posts:

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