To let niece (16) have sex

[upsideup]

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

I think it's totally unreasonable to ask someone to host for their child but expect them to keep such a close watch on them. That's not fair on you OP. I agree..... Say either the teens can share a room or tell them you will host in a few years time! Ps. Even in storage rooms, they will find a way to shag if they really wanted! Unless you sit out in the hallway all night!!

If my thirteen year old DD goes off to Italy on a school trip then would it be hugely controlling, creepy and unreasonable for me to expect her to be prevented from having perfectly legal sex with her classmates?

It's not just about not sleeping together.

BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Yes, you would be hugely unreasonable if you expected the teachers to prevent children from being alone with each other.

• seperate rooms....... Or storage rooms!!

I have sympathy with both views on this - both that the girl is 16 and can and will make her own choices, and that her parents have every right to set rules in this regard. What I think is not on, though, is the BIL expecting OP to police this, down to dictating sleeping arrangements and restricting her own freedom to come and go (not leaving them alone). I do think you need to tell him that you will put them in separate bedrooms (that is if you have the space to without impacting on your own family's space) and make it clear to them what his wishes are, but you can't be expected to arrange your life around policing them and if he cannot accept that he cannot send her. I think uninviting the boyfriend would be very awkward now, as it sounds as if the plan is settled.

I can't just unvite the boyfriend, we agreed with him and his parents that he was welcome to come and stay with us. If BiL decides to not let dn come then unless the bf doesnt want to come without her then we will still have to host him.

Telling your BIL that you are happy to give them different bedrooms but you won't be the sex police is perfectly reasonable, OP.

I think you had the right idea on your previous post, OP. Ask your niece what she would prefer.

Tell your BIL that two separate sleeping areas are available but that you won’t be able to police them, as you’re sure he’ll understand (would he be able to do this for 3 weeks?!).

Have a talk with your niece when she arrives. Tell her what you agreed with BIL, but also that you appreciate that if they wanted to have sex they would find a way. Make sure she’s understands & is sensible about contraception.

You never know, having that discussion with her might embarrass her into not daring to try anything! And if not, it’s really her choice.

Jeez... what if she became pregnant whist staying at yours? Your BIL would constantly be after your blood!
This. In any case, if "controlling" BIL is ramming "no sex please" down their throats, your niece might even make a point of having sex while she has the chance, and you wouldn't want to be involved.

Your BIL is basically saying: her chastity = your responsibility. This really is not fair on you at all.

The problem is OP requesting they have separate rooms is a fair and reasonable request from a parent of a 16 year old - are you really prepared to push the relationship with that side of your family for what exactly?

On the other hand requesting they are not to be left alone during the day is an unreasonable request and too onerous that you can push back on

Why are you so set on this

"then we will still have to host him."

No you don't -not if BIL is putting conditions on-such as 24/7 supervision!

If you tell him that you can't/won't do that then what is decided after that is entirely up to them.

are you really prepared to push the relationship with that side of your family for what exactly?

Tbh there isnt any relationship, the limited contact we have at the moment is purely for our nieces and nephews.

I think it's appalling to put that burden on you. Who wants to be the sex police with their nieces/nephews?

Honestly, I'd be wondering if that's the only/main reason they're visiting you. Quite odd for someone so young to travel to stay with another relative with boyfriend/girlfriend.

"At 16 you can get married." In some countries. Not all by any means.

My dd is 17 and sexually active when she chooses and I'm fine with that. BUT I'm her parent so it IS my choice particularly wrt whether she has boyfriends stay over. As an aunt no I don't feel it's in your remit to decide this is ok for someone else's child. Particularly the boyfriend who I'm guessing you don't even know? Or certainly don't know well. Boys can be put under pressure too.

In addition - they know her, and probably the boyfriend better than you. They may be aware/concerned about pressure he's putting on her to become sexually active before she's ready. You have no way of knowing if that's the case.

You do need to be honest with bil that you have neither the will nor the ability to police 24/7, you've enough on your plate by sounds of things.

"I care about my niece and dont want her doing the same." Completely irrelevant post, STILL not YOUR child.

"There are very few countries with an age of consent above 16 years of age." You think so?

How about
Ireland
Cyprus
20 of the USA states
South Australia and Tasmania
25 African countries
4 Asian countries... Not uncommon at all actually.

"I looked online and the age of consent where they are is actually 15."

BUT still not an adult and doesn't negate the fact that you're not her parent AND that he may have concerns she's being pressured/coerced.

"I would not host somone else’s child eg the boyfriend what if they split up or have a row when their over not mature enough in my view to be travelling together" I'd be very uncomfortable with this too. It's VERY young to be travelling as a couple and I'd also be concerned about potential fallings out. Even for older couples going on holiday together can be a real test of the relationship, especially if not yet living together.

I agree with corythatwas going behind bil's back would be disastrous for family relationships all round and sets a bad example to your niece.

Regarding "not in Scotland" that's often said because it's often assumed that English/Welsh law is uk wide and it isn't. Right from the beginning of the thread the answers in terms of legality all assumed

A niece from England/Wales
B op living in England/Wales

When there are mners and their families all over the world.

"Tbh there isnt any relationship, the limited contact we have at the moment is purely for our nieces and nephews." Ahh now we're getting to it - you don't like bil so that's why you thought it remotely acceptable to go behind his back - not cool op.

Why is your BIL allowing her to go abroad for several weeks with her boyfriend? She's only sixteen. He should just put his foot down and not put the onus on you to ensure nothing happens.

That being said, I think you're being irresponsible. Just tell your BIL that you don't want to be responsible for policing your niece's activities and it might be better if the niece came on her own or not at all. Just overriding her parents on an issue like this is wrong.

No it isn't simply illegal in all those states and countries for 16 year olds to have sex. Many do set restrictions though. In some countries 16 year olds can only legally have sex if they are married, or can only have sex with someone not much older than them. I think the latter is actually a good restriction.

And the last large sexual survey in Britain said that the average age for sex for both women and men is 16 years of age. Having sex at this age is perfectly normal. Fine if you want to wait till much older or to never have sex. But lets not pretend that this is anything but normal.
Many teenage girls are as randy as teenage boys. A fact that many parents do not acknowledge.

And frankly, if my dad had said I could not travel abroad to stay with a relative, I would have left home as soon as I could. No way would I be happy with that.

Of course you can absolutely rescind the invite to her boyfriend. You call his parents, discuss that your bil is putting rules you cannot adhere to and state under the circumstances, you think it would be best to wait a year or two. This is how an adult would act. Someone needs to be an adult. The bil isnt. You’re suggesting to flout his rules behind his back so you’re not either. Whatever you think these are his rules and you are not the parent. He is.

Just wondering if this is your sister's husband or your husband's brother? Either way, why is he talking to you - surely it should either be your sister talking to you or your husband talking to his brother? Or am I missing something?

Just another point of view. When I was 16-17 my dad's alcoholism and domestic abuse towards my mum at home was at fever pitch. My mum didn't want to leave and lose the council house so she sent me to stay at my boyfriend's for an extended period of time. His parents were, on the face of it, respectable and religious and assured my mum that they'd make up a spare bed for me. They never did do this (hoarders house with crap piled high in most rooms) and I had to sleep in with my boyfriend every night.

At first it was ok, I wanted to sleep in his bed and we felt very grown up, but after a few nights I felt out of my depth.. my boyfriend was very coercive and I was expected to have sex with him multiple times a night, do things I wasn't comfortable with and I had absolutely no escape from it. I was exhausted every day at school. Despite being a teenager himself he had some hang-ups and found it difficult to 'finish' so I was just used and used while he tried to work out what got him off.

Off on a tangent really, but he actually started hitting and kicking me during this time too, his mum was well aware (she would barge in and pull him away from me, tell me that he hit her too and walk back out of his room. Never told my mum).

At 16 I was too immature and inexperienced at setting boundaries when it came to bedroom sharing. Maybe BIL has concerns over possible boundary issues.. maybe he has reason to believe his DD will be under too much pressure if they share a room.

How would you feel if she became pregnant?

Came on to say what the poster a couple of posts up has said. It may be that she’s getting pressure from the BF and doesn’t want to have sex and Dad is protecting her from that. Being able to say ‘Auntie’s rule is we can’t share a bedroom’ gives her a get out clause if he’s putting the pressure on.

It really creeps me out that so many men seem super “protective” of their daughters sexuality. How many times have we heard comments from men along the lines of “she’s not allowed to date until she’s 30”. Never said about boys though, and I bet your BIL would have no problem with a 16 year old son having sex.

How would you feel if she became pregnant?

You’re painfully naive if you think teenagers don’t have sex just because dad says so. If she wants to have sex with him, she will be.

Tbf the consequences of sex are far worse for girls. Pregnancy and at increased risk of stis. Plus being coerced.
How the f is the dad being creepy? Creepy dads would be all for it.

No creepy dads want to keep their daughters virginal princesses for as long as possible.