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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:
slashlover · 08/07/2018 12:44

I'd provide separate rooms but tell BIL you have no way of knowing if they're going to be sneaking about in the middle of the night. Also, if you need to nip to the shop for half an hour then you will be leaving them in the house alone for that amount of time.

Typhers · 08/07/2018 12:45

They are not your children, end of story.

Spikeyball · 08/07/2018 12:49

At the age of 16 I wouldn't have wanted there to be an assumption that I wanted to share a room with a boyfriend so I think you should agree to separate rooms. If that isn't practical then you can't have both of them stay.
Expecting you to police behaviour is unreasonable.

Want2bSupermum · 08/07/2018 12:50

The BIL is being unreasonable. My father was strict with my sister and I. The chat he had with my sister, brother and myself was to make it clear that 16 is when the law determines a person able to make the decision themselves with under 16 being deemed to young to know. He said it was important to make sure you know what you are consenting to and the consequences of this.

There is no way I'd let my 16 year old go away with their BF. It's a different age now that school is required to 18 and far less expectations are placed on 16-25 year olds. A young parent is a big problem today because the expectations are that you complete an education beyond 18 and don't start earning until you are about 20-22. Having a baby at 16-20 really disadvantages a mother. Back in even the mid to late 90s you could get a job at 16 and having a baby at 20 wasn't the end of the world. Times have changed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/07/2018 12:52

Now that you’ve clarified the age of consent in their country, I’d tell your bil you can provide separate rooms but you cannot police them 24/7. I still think it would be wise to wait a year or so before he tags along. 17 is late teens, almost adulthood.

FlyingMonkeys · 08/07/2018 12:52

@Spikeyball OP clearly stated that if DN and boyfriend didn't want to share a room then they wouldn't be asked to...

GreatWesternValkyrie · 08/07/2018 13:01

and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

That’s true here in the UK but may not be in their home country e.g. it’s 18 in some US states. Perhaps this is why your BIL feels he has a say - I’m not certain how you can “not leave them alone in the house together though”, they’re not young children to be babysat and supervised all day and night. Is BIL going to sue you if they manage to dtd???

I’d be rescinding the offer to put them up based on the condition mentioned above (separate rooms I’d be ok with) as I’d have no desire to monitor young adults 24/7. If they need that kind of supervision, they shouldn’t be travelling overseas without parents.

Beeziekn33ze · 08/07/2018 13:02

If they are each sharing with one or more of OP's children I don't think there'll be much tiptoeing along the landing. Keeping doors open and never being alone together is another matter!

GreatWesternValkyrie · 08/07/2018 13:04

Spots Op, just spotted the confirmation of AOC in their country.

xJune88 · 08/07/2018 13:08

I'd set them up different rooms and if they sneak in the night don't make a big issue about it. They are together and at the age of consent there are much worse issues in the world and much younger teens having sex! Yes respect BILs wishes but he needs to wake up seriously of course they are going to have sex.

Metoodear · 08/07/2018 13:09

Oh dear tbh I would not host somone else’s child eg the boyfriend what if they split up or have a row when their over not mature enough in my view to be travelling together

Notevilstepmother · 08/07/2018 13:09

Would you BIL prefer they shag in the park? I wouldn’t want the responsibility of full time babysitting and never leaving them alone.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 13:09

She is not 18 so whether it’s legal or not you cannot go against their wishes and deceive them - really surprised you have to even ask

BiL does not own his daughter. Her being under 18 is irrelevant and BiL's wishes are also irrelevant.

happypoobum · 08/07/2018 13:10

There is no way I'd let my 16 year old go away with their BF.

Supermum How on earth would you stop them? It's perfectly legal.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/07/2018 13:18

Your BIL is being naive to think they are not having sex. Is it your husbands brother or your sisters husband? Can bil’s sibling have a word?

As pps have said, tell your bil they can have separate rooms but you are not policing them. You have 5 kids of your own to worry about.
If he has given them permission to go on holiday together, he is naive to think they will act like nuns

RedPanda2 · 08/07/2018 13:23

Ask your niece what she wants.

Quartz2208 · 08/07/2018 13:28

You are right it’s not your place to say she isn’t allowed but equally making them share a room is going the other way practically forcing it both ways could rightly make your niece uncomfortable

Separate rooms no policing

squeelof1 · 08/07/2018 13:31

The lad shouldn't even be going!
This is time for a niece and aunt to spend time together, where the HECK does he come into the equation? Him tagging along is totally inappropriate, and really I'm just shocked by how laid back you are about it, I guess because she's not usually in the UK and whatever happens in 9 months time you wouldn't have to deal with it?

He most probably is some horny young boy who can't keep it in his pants, realizes how strict it is around her place (BIL sounds like he is very on watch of him and rightly so!) the annoying little shit realises he's getting nowhere and sees a few weeks away at yours as his opportunity and you're all for it, what the heck?

I'm sure if she was under your roof you would be having the total opposite view on this, shame on you she is 16 for crying out loud!
She is so incredibly young, impressionable and naive; you should be protecting her at all costs from this mindless, horny delinquent.

I'm sure you don't even know him whatsoever, just heard OF him and are just simply willing to take him in for a few weeks because he has the title of her "boyfriend", that wouldn't go down well with me at all.
I truly hate when teens want to bring along their little dates to FAMILY occasions and having to give and cater for them as well, when oh whoops! they suddenly break up a week later because he's now into little Alice down the street or some crap like that and never hear of them again, what a f*cking nuisance.

category12 · 08/07/2018 13:32

Crikey, who rattled your cage.

Horsemad · 08/07/2018 13:37
Grin
PlatypusPie · 08/07/2018 13:39

I would offer niece to share with one of OPs children, boyfriend in room kindly temporarily vacated by OPs eldest ( not have a stranger sharing with the resident children) - there can be corridor creeping if they want but it also is less pressured because the OP doesn’t really know her niece’s view. And tell BIL that, beyond that, she cannot be responsible for policing them 24/7 . If BIL really wants to ensure no sexual activity, then he should refuse permission and possibly funding for the trip as a couple.

doorframe32 · 08/07/2018 13:40

''I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.''

jesus Christ you are letting 2 16 yos share a room???? wtf

rainingcatsanddog · 08/07/2018 13:40

While I agree with the notion that her virginity isn't her father's business, I think that OP should be honest about not having 2 bedrooms and being unable to supervise them constantly.

I have kids of a similar age who relish their own space and would be furious if constantly monitored.

We want our teens to be honest with us even when the topic might annoy the parents. Being honest about difficult topics is a good example to set.

QueenoftheNights · 08/07/2018 13:42

I find it a bit strange calling a 16 year old a child. At 16 you can get married.

ONLY with a parents' consent.

It's a bit of an anomaly and archaic.
The age of majority / legally and adult it 18.
I suspect the marriage age is so girls who become pregnant can be married.

Many 16 year olds are not mature- especially boys of that age.

No contraception is 100% safe so unless you want your child (yes, in law they are ) to become pregnant, I think you ought not to encourage sex at that age.

melodybirds · 08/07/2018 13:42

If your bil is very strict I'd talk to her about contraception ect. Can you imagine if she got pregnant while staying at yours.

You have to be honest with him.

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