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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 06/07/2018 20:27

No YANBU.

Having friendships is fine but he has crossed the boundaries.
Friendships should never be a replacement for your relationship.

I would not me happy about this and would class it as an emotional affair.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:28

I don't know what to do. Am I seeing something that isn't there, and making a big deal out of nothing?

OP posts:
thelionsharer · 06/07/2018 20:30

Yes I would say emotional affair too. Sorry x

LanguidLobster · 06/07/2018 20:30

Doesn't sound right - how often have they known each other? Does she have a partner and how frequently does DP see her?

kitkatsky · 06/07/2018 20:31

My DP has a similar friend, but as I know her she tends to try and exert power in situations where I am there. I genuinely think no woman should show this level of disrespect to another woman because even if she does "win your DP" how could she trust him not to be tempted by another woman? If there's nothing sexual hopefully They're just friends, but I think it's ok to tell DP that you're uncomfortable with the situation

LanguidLobster · 06/07/2018 20:31

Doh, I meant to say how long have they known each other

Cadencia · 06/07/2018 20:31

You're not making a big deal about nothing. I'm fine with DH having female friends but I would not be happy with this level of contact.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:33

I'm devastated. We are currently ttc, I feel like he's only agreed so I'll be too preoccupied with a baby to notice what he's up to. But he has claimed in the past that he's not up to anything, they're just really good friends. But she fawns all over him all the time and it drives me crazy. I didn't think he was doing anything to encourage it but now I've seen how many times a day he's messaging her. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 06/07/2018 20:33

He sounds more invested in their relationship than yours tbh.

coconutpie · 06/07/2018 20:35

YANBU and I would not be TTC with him either.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 06/07/2018 20:36

Emotional affair. I feel for you though, as if you confront him, technically the messages are innocent. I’ve been there before and I know how much it hurts Flowers

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:36

They've been friends for about 3 years. She overstepped the mark big time about 2 years ago and he steppes back from her, but we have since moved closer to her, and now she's left her husband. This has resulted in her spending a lot of time around here crying on Dps shoulder. Dp adamant they're just friends and that hes not interested like that. Ive not told him Ive read his messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:38

We already have 3 dc's together. I don't see anyway I can bring this up without being paintes the bad guy. We've been together for 15 years! How do I get past this?

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 06/07/2018 20:40

What ! I cant believe you are even asking. Stop having her in your home trying to steal your husband right in front of your nose.
I would want him to end all contact with her completely!

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 06/07/2018 20:41

I think you've overstepped the mark reading his messages and if I was your DP I would leave you for that.

That aside I'm not really clear if you think there's something going on or whether you're ready jealous of the time they spend together. If you think there's something more to it you should leave him

LanguidLobster · 06/07/2018 20:42

She sounds like a nightmare -yep I'd tell him he needs to focus on his family from now on

NotAnotherUserName5 · 06/07/2018 20:42

Yanbu.

I’m amazed you haven’t had it out with him and told him how unreasonable he is being!

AnyFucker · 06/07/2018 20:43

So now you know he throws you crumbs to enable him to spend more time with her

"Damage control" indeed. For that comment alone, his arse would be bounced right down the road. Do not have (another) baby with this man.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/07/2018 20:50

3kids,and she’s sniffing around your dp. He Calls talking to you damage control
Sorry I’d not be ttc with a man who is over involved with another woman

LanguidLobster · 06/07/2018 20:51

How did she overstep the mark 2 years?

SparklyMagpie · 06/07/2018 20:55

He could spend all the time in the world with her after I'd kicked his arse out

Did the "overstepping the mark" have anything to do with her marriage ending?

Juells · 06/07/2018 20:58

@Skarossinkplungerridesagain

I think you've overstepped the mark reading his messages and if I was your DP I would leave you for that.

Get off your high horse. Any one, male or female, who didn't check up on something like this is just an idiot. Who wants to be stuck with a partner who gives all their attention to someone else, and considers spending time with you 'damage control'?

Juells · 06/07/2018 20:59

If you're not married, why not suggest getting married now and see how willing he is to commit?

ReanimatedSGB · 06/07/2018 21:03

I think he cares about her more than he cares about you, and likes her more than he likes you but the two of them are, for whatever reason, not sexually interested in one another so they both think that their closeness is OK.
Your situation is more like that of someone whose partner has a hobby that obsesses them or a same sex (if you are all heterosexual) close friend who they spend more time with than they do at home.
Do you get any time to yourself, or time to spend with friends, or are you the little woman indoors?

Tistheseason17 · 06/07/2018 21:03

Yep, she's after your DH.
BUT, he is the one being a pillock.

He's living the attention.

Personally, I'd tell him I'd read the messages and ask him about "damage control"

Bang out of order.

Even if he's not into her, he's encouraged a level of friendship that is not comfortable or acceptable - he should be talking to you, not her.