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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:
choli · 06/07/2018 23:56

Surely if you met at uni you must have some qualifications? How old are your kids? Whose idea was it to home educate them?

Lethaldrizzle · 07/07/2018 00:01

The messaging the ow is the least of your problems.

choli · 07/07/2018 00:03

What happens if you ask him directly for money for something the kids need?

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 00:03

I dropped out before finishing my degree as dc1 was a colicky baby and I was struggling to cope. Boarding school was suggesstion, I said no, they're too young. We move around due to dps job and travel a lot, so it seemed less disruptive to dcs to home educate. And they have an amazing life, have learned a lot . I don't want to ruin that for them.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 07/07/2018 00:11

Holy shit. This man took up with you because he wanted a servant. He convinced you that you should be grateful for the opportunity to follow him around adoringly - and that you are his inferior and should know your place.
Whether or not he has sex with anyone else is the least of your problems. He's going to trade you in for a newer model at some point, and probably take the DCs too. Either that or he's going to try to bully you into carrying on with the domestic service and childrearing while he does whatever he likes and occasionally pats you on the head...
You might want to have a good long talk with Women's Aid about your situation, particularly the financial abuse. They will help you decide what to do next.

wineandroses1 · 07/07/2018 00:11

oh ffs Op. he is treating you like an idiot!
please look into what support is available to divest yourself of this complete twat.
and dump him. there are many lovely and loving men out there. You will find them. don't panic.

Graphista · 07/07/2018 00:17

Being a military brat myself I'm wondering what on earth job he has that you CAN'T work at all and are home educating as a result.

This is pretty bad financial abuse that he's barely even covering the DC's costs. Sadly I'm not even doubting the veracity as I've seen this happen in real life.

So op is having to save on food if the children need clothes, shoes? Sounds like definitely the case if she needs anything.

If you are in the U.K.

www.womensaid.org.uk

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Asap

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 00:19

I don't know where to go from here. He is away working, has no idea I've read all his messages. I can't go at him guns blazing when he comes home, i think my best optin from here on out is to quietly start trying to fix things. Im not quite sure what thats going to look like. But i think i need to start stashing more money. Get a qualification maybe?

OP posts:
PinkGinFreak · 07/07/2018 00:20

Surely if you did leave, on the basis that he travels a lot, and the law tends to favour the mum, the children would live with you. Also based on my own DHs experiences with the csa/cma and all the money we've had to pay his ex over the last 16 years, you'd get plenty income from him. I think you need to take some advice as previous posters have suggested, re how to physically move on and what support is out there. Or if you marry him maybe you'll be entitled to more? You might also be entitled to legal aid. Hope you have someone you can talk to about this x

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 00:27

I have no one I can talk to, hence asking strangers on the internet. But thank you for all your replies. I have no idea what is "normal". Am not currently in the uk. Will be in our current location till december I think. Last place was only supposed to be 6 months, we ended up there for 2 years. Looking back Im seeing a pattern of keeping me dangling - no point joining clubs or making friends, we'll be moving again soon.

OP posts:
maddening · 07/07/2018 00:34

Tell him you want to be married and finish your studying before ttc #4, and that you will need him to fund all as you are looking after ex and unable to earn.

How old are your dc?

Arum51 · 07/07/2018 00:36

What you NEED to do is marry him. Like, now. "A nice, quiet little ceremony, just us! The kids have been saying they want it..." Hey, it worked on LeBron, it can work on him. Once you're married, you are in a much, much better financial position.

You're right, you need to be smart. And you are smart. You got into the same damn uni as him, yes? So, find the smart. Get it back. You are playing a long game here. You want to get married. Then you want to restart your education. Bits and bobs, build it up.

But be aware you're up against this bitch here. She wants him, and she has no respect for you. So stop this "I'm boring" crap. You clearly aren't. You've kept him interested for years. You know him better than she does. Work it. Work it until you are in a better position. Start doing 'romantic' stuff. Spoil the shithead. Stroke that fragile little ego - you know how to do it.

Harden your heart, choke down the rage, and play the long game. Go get that money, girl.

Graphista · 07/07/2018 00:37

I realise you may not want to but I think it'd be good to say where you are, even just country. Mners from there may be able to advise.

Failing that, soon as you're back in uk get onto women's aid etc

From the sound of things you would get more in child maintenance from him than you are now!

SleepWarrior · 07/07/2018 00:39

YA definitely NBU, although it's not clear how bad things are.

Has he actively made these things happen (the money etc) or have you just drifted in to them with you not speaking up and him not realising there was a problem? Neither are great but the former is worse and intentionally cruel.

You say he's a kind man and good with kids etc - do you really think that or are you trying to convince yourself? If you don't think he's a bad person then I would suggest having a go at together putting right the parts that are wrong in your relationship. If he's caring enough to be listen to you and be receptive then maybe things can get better.

It is very easy to drift into a horrible marriage, so many people do. The message are not good but if they are not sexual and he hasn't full on cheated then (personally) with an otherwise decent partner I would want to give them a chance to fix things.

How heartbreaking for you after all the sacrifices you have made for your family Flowers

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 00:51

Its definitely drifted, its never been intentional, I don't think. I think now, that hes got it so good, hes going to be reluctant to change. I need to play the long game here, no point packing bags and storming out. And I hate to say this, but he is actually otherwise really lovely to me. Hence why I came on here to ask if I was being unreasonable, if I was making a big deal out of nothing. Its becoming clear though, just how much I've sacrificed and he's gained. And its time to start changing that. And if he doesn't like it, well hopefully by the time he's noticed things have changed, I'll be in a much better position

OP posts:
IfNot · 07/07/2018 00:54

Harden your heart, choke down the rage, and play the long game. Go get that money, girl.
Or just walk away. I know I said get married, but the more I read the more I just think nah. Get right away from this man.
You know, it's astonishing how diminished the wrong man can make you feel but it's not REAL. You need to know that. The way he makes you feel about yourself, it's calculated. When you are away from him it will wear off and you will be so much stronger.
Maybe he doesn't realise what he's doing. Only you can know that.
Damn straight you would get way more for thd children from him if you separated. He probably knows that too.

SleepWarrior · 07/07/2018 00:57

Then the getting married isn't a bad call.

Best case scenario = things improve and good marriage.

Worst case scenario = no worse than now but with financial security so you're not left high and dry.

And your plans to study again etc are good things to do for yourself anyway.

zsazsajuju · 07/07/2018 00:59

It just sounds like he has a close friend to me - why does it matter if she is a woman. There are obviously lots of problems in your relationship but I can’t think of anything worse than trying to get someone you don’t even like to marry you for their money.

Cheby · 07/07/2018 01:01

Marry him. Quickly. You’ll be in a MUCH a better position after you split.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 07/07/2018 01:05

Hmmm I dunno Id be making plans to come back the the UK, are you from here? Get a house, benefits and move the fuck on, give him his character if he asks! Sometimes rather than all these plans to do this and that before you leave just isnt worth it. You have a life and one day you'll look back and know you wont get those years back!
Fuck him. Fuck this. Fuck her. Its not real.

You and your children deserve alot more than this shit. Get back here get your kids into school and get back on your feet independently. You CAN do it xx

ChocoholicsAsylum · 07/07/2018 01:09

Dont put yourself/kids through a false marriage to gain money thats just wrong and to be honest sounds like he would make it difficult after you leave when married and his little messages to her every fucking minute will bring them closer! Just dont.

Have the self respect and cut your losses and give youself some self care!!!

SandyY2K · 07/07/2018 01:17

Instead of TTC, try and gain some qualification or train in a career for yourself. You're not married and would have nothing if you split....apart from chikd support.

You're in a vulnerable position financially and need to get to a better place.

I'm not sure there's any point in saying anything to him about the messages...because you're in a very weak position.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/07/2018 01:17

It sounds like you need to stabilize your life and shore up your financial position. The emotional affair he's having is bad, but you sound like you are in a very powerless position and I really think you should look to improving that as a priority.

Frist things first (and I cannot emphasize this enough) - Do not have another child.

As a stay at home mum you (and your children) would hugely benefit from you being married (or having legal agreements in place that transfer wealth to you and protects the DCs, but that tends to be a difficult thing to ask for when you are fairly powerless). So if he will marry you, you should probably take him up on that.

You should decide what sort of career you would like and start getting yourself trained for it. While you trail after him if you have to. Once you are trained you can consider how to start working, but start prioritizing it and once you're started, don't let him uproot you for his career.

Possibly you'll find that once you start being more dynamic he'll be more interested in you - then you can decide whether his treatment of you while you sacrificed everything for him can be forgiven.

SandyY2K · 07/07/2018 01:19

I wanted to add that you need to gain a social network for yourself. With home schooling do you ever have time for you?

Start becoming more than a mother and a DP.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/07/2018 01:20

No, love, I think you drifted, and this prick was cheerfully luring you along the path he wanted you to take. His idea was always to exploit you for domestic service and breeding purposes, which is why he invested so much time and effort into convincing you that you, as a poor unloved peasant, should be offering up prayers of thankfulness every day that he permitted you to wipe his arse for him. No one can 'not know' that children cost money, need new shoes, etc.

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