DP messaging OW

[Imsoconfused2018]

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

I'm googling the freedom programme now. At the end of the day though I won't leave. Not right now. I can't do that to my dcs . There's no way I could provide them with the lifestye and opportunities they currently have. I'd end up back where I came from and I'd rather put up with this for a few more years than put them through that. If I keep quiet and don't rock the boat, finish my study, in a few years I'll be able to get a decent job that enables me to provide the dcs with a decent life. Not as flash as what they have now, but enough to ensure that no one goes without and there's enough left over for treats and the odd holiday.

Why is he bewildered by the generally accepted concepted (in society, in law and in court findings for that matter) that a full time sahp is half of the earning potential of the family unit, because they give the breadwinner half or more of all their time to use as they need to?

I don't think he's bewildered at all.

Also, does he think his family, who are rightly going to support him and care about him as their priority, provide viewpoints that are valid within the context of a marriage where compromise and mutual consideration are needed?

No no no. You shield him from hours of work every day, you shield him from disruptions to his schedule, you shield him which allows him to earn that money and have it rather than working 50% part time or paying for child care for the 50% of the year he is not doing it, and to do so you UAE all of your time which completely wipes out any potential you have to go to work yourself. It is give and take and he needs to acknowledge this, you contribute to the household income with all of your time and need money to live and be happy from that income without being considered selfish for it, you know basic human consideration.

For some reason that typed UAE instead of use, although it kind of works because that's where his attitude belongs.

The idea that you can work for your family and facilitate his career all year round to be some sort of barefoot charity case when you'd like a day off or a handbag is disgusting.

Would he work all year round with no days off and having to beg to buy himself a haircut? I'd ask him that.

(although replace handbag with something more relevant, perhaps )

Oh I'm having the day off! Once a week. Am defiantly not backing down from that one. Unless he uses it to drop kids off to be looked after by ow.

You really need to consider marrying him. You have invested hugely in this relationship but could walk away with absolutely nothing.

I know. It's an absolutely shit feeling though.

A great friend of mine could have written your OP. Her ‘D’P and his siblings all have the same emotionless attitude towards their partners feelings, my friends partner in particular has very indiscrete affairs whilst she’s cared for their 4 children and given up her career to do so. I’ve begged her to leave him, but she won’t because of the kids. The youngest is now 14, Christ knows what’s going to happen in 4 years time when it’s just him and her left at home. Thankfully, she did take my advice about squirrelling money away. I hope you can find a way to do so too.

If I want a bit of money to spend each week, I can get extra out when I do the groceries, but he's very suspicious as to why I would like a haircut, or new clothes. Asked me if I was trying to make myself look attractive to someone else.

Oh, OP. I really hate to say this, but you should marry him and then get out. This man is a controlling arsehole. You can't put up with this for years (will you be still having sex with him knowing what you know?)

Do what you need to do and get out. There is no shame in it.

Also, if you do have sex, please be EXTREMELY careful about your contraception. I wouldn't put it past him to sabotage it.

My heart goes out to you OP, you're in a tough position. I was soooo happy to read how you stood up to him. I can see how your mindset has changed through the thread.

Do you love him? And do you think you can work through this? It doesn't sound unsalvageable to me, but it does sound like you've been very unhappy and need to consider your future. Maybe along with your day off to study, try and build in some time for you to spend alone with him where you can start to rebuild your relationship?

If the answer is no, and you're both checking out emotionally, then you're doing the right things in preparing yourself to leave.

Is there any way you can build bridges with his family? The more they can see you as the loving, self sacrificing mother you are, who has facilitated DP's life and career, the more support you'll get from them. Never mind your background, you are making huge contributions to your family household. Did his DM work? Do they realise you literally have nothing for yourself?

And maybe draw up a proper budget to show him: kids clothes, activities, travel, groceries, standard things for you - like haircuts. So it's not necessarily you asking for limitless cash, it's you saying "I need x amount for routine purchases." Hopefully he'll see that you're not being unreasonable, and you've been struggling for a long time.

Someone mentioned upthread, but look at private tutoring or TEFL. You can do it freelance, online, a few hours at a time, it's simple and reasonably quick to qualify and you'll have loads of those skills already from home educating your own DC. Something like that would help you to balance your home life and start earning money for yourself pretty quickly. Could you offer English classes to your neighbours perhaps?

Re OW, I think you will need to bring it up with him at some point, because you won't be happy for that behaviour to continue. But it really depends on whether you want to save your relationship and see a future there, or if you've had enough and plan to leave.

Good luck, whatever you decide xx

Thank you flowerpott. I want to improve things, I owe that much at least to the dcs. And to myself. I like the idea of drawing up a budget where I allocate money for every little thing. I think that will help him see what I mean, instead of it looking like I'm just asking for frivolous handouts.

But he was confused to hear I was looking into part time study and work. Said there was no need, as he could pay for me.

But he doesn't pay for you. Not even close. You buy yourself nothing and if you suggest it, you get insinuations of an affair.

Since you are playing the long game then, I do see the merit in people suggesting you marry him though I doubt I'd have the stomach to be able for that particular long game myself. Focusing on studying (with him paying for it), gently incrementing the income you are currently getting so you can slowly salt away any extra for yourself are good plans.

"but he's very suspicious as to why I would like a haircut, or new clothes. Asked me if I was trying to make myself look attractive to someone else."

Ok, NOW I'm really angry for you. How about you want to look nice because you're a person, not a fucking washing machine? No wonder hes "bewildered", in the same way you would be if the fridge suddenly started demanding Saturdays off. He's removed every tool and resource you could have to exist beyond invisible domestic servitude, and now is messaging this other woman because you feel you're not interesting enough? What the hell are you supposed to be interesting WITH? Even 50's wives had housekeeping money!

Catching up on thread.

You know what I'm thinking though - in wealthy families the sahm DO have access to money for themselves beyond food and basic bills. Old fashioned and sexist but that being the background he's come from I'm pretty sure I can guarantee that his mother never went without despite not working! His father would have made sure she had her own fund to access for clothes, haircuts, socialising because otherwise their peers with similar wealth would have noticed and it was shameful not to PROPERLY care for your wife. As I said yea old fashioned, paternalistic etc.

But think about it - these were the "ladies that lunch" went to tennis lessons and country clubs that kind of thing. Pre boarding school even with the mum's not working the children would have had nannies, there'd be housekeepers employed etc.

If that isn't what happened in his family the financial abuse is normalised and far too entrenched for you to be able to change it op.

I'd actually dearly love to know if his father wasn't financially abusive what his parents would think of his behaviour, how much he allocates you! I'm weirdly hoping you get on with 'mil' well enough to perhaps next time you visit them drop some hints (if not outright drop him in it!!). I'm wondering if you could even frame it as you pretend you think this is exactly how she had to manage and you go all "I don't know how you did it!"

His siblings relationship breakdowns - do you know/suspect if any of those were due to them being financially abusive?

Frankly if your plan is to stay for a few years, get retrained/work experience then you may as well get married to set up some extra security for when you leave anyway.

I'd also be tempted to start feeding him value range type food to make the point he ISN'T giving you enough money to do all he expects.

But yes present him with a budget maybe with links to items showing him how much necessities actually cost. You shouldn't have to but it may help at least a little.

My father was/is abusive in many ways but took/takes a weird pride in mum not going without. When she was in hospital having my brother at this point she was a sahm dad was on a low wage so they were on a tight budget, anyhow dad would give her £X for housekeeping each week. He thought it was generous but while she was away he needed to do grocery shop, and realised what he'd been giving her was woefully inadequate. He couldn't figure out how she'd been managing, and actually was strangely hurt/a bit cross that she hadn't said to him it wasn't enough. So he increased the amount - after getting a second job! And made her promise to be honest with him in future.

So short version is - I wonder if a SMALL part of the problem is your dp genuinely doesn't know the cost of things. Doesn't excuse any of his behaviour by a long shot! But may be a way to facilitate some of your "push back".

Although I have to say, in all honesty in your position I'd just get the hell out! The DC will adapt to a different lifestyle, plenty do. The thought of you staying and continuing to put up with this crap is both heartbreaking and deeply frustrating!

Just sending hugs and admiration for the speed with which you have begun the fight-back - only a few days since your original post and already up on those wobbly pony legs (love that image - poetic and perfect). You are clever, loving, competent and courageous. You can do this sister!

He should put the same amount of effort into your relationship together but he's not interested enough.
Overstepped the mark? She's still doing it. She wants your DP.
He's probably just flattered but it's a dodgy situation.
Wishing you well.

Back at the start of this thread , you made a comment that 'he would marry me tomorrow ' .

Since that point, you have been asked over twenty times why aren't you married/why don't you marry him. You don't answer. Simply avoid the question.

It's bizarre. You are rightly concerned about your very vulnerable financial position. You have a solution that would remove that vulnerability. You have said quite clearly that you intend to stay.
He is tight with 'his' money. He doesn't think of it as yours..

Why are you avoiding the 'marriage' solution/question when it appears to be the most straightforward, simplest way of solving your problem. ?

he's very suspicious as to why I would like a haircut, or new clothes

Does he ever get those things for himself?

I pointed out that he's only had them all for the day a handful of times and he came right back with an exasperated "yes, because I'm busy working to provide for you and the dcs"

Which might have been reasonable while you wanted to stay home with the children. Has that changed now - do you want to work?

Sorry, that last question sounds like I'm disbelieving - lol, not my intention :)

I just mean that it doesn't matter what a bunch of people over the internet think you should do. All that matters is what you want to do. And if you've decided that you want to work and earn your own money now, then that's all the reason you (and he) should need.

If you weren’t looking after - and educating - the kids you’d be free to work. And earn. So you have forfeited a salary and financial independence to raise his kids.

Out of interest, how do you manage to buy him birthday cards, gifts etc?

Marry me in a heartbeat - I said that as he would hate things to change, and I think he would do anything to keep the status quo. Not because he loves me. As to why I've not suggested it yet? He already suspicious of me wanting a job. I'll have to be careful how I go about this. As to gifts for him, he's never been that bothered. I get him a bittle of wine in the groceries and he's happy. He doesn't do gifts for me, but in occasion has brought himself something he wants and given it to me, or given me tickets to a concert he wants to go to.

As for his family money, its all old money, a lot of it is tied up in trusts. So I'm told. He got quite grumpy with me when I tried to find out more information, "since when do you care about money?"

"I think that will help him see what I mean, instead of it looking like I'm just asking for frivolous handouts."

No it won't. Why would it? What's
In it for him?

*He doesn't do gifts for me, but in occasion has brought himself something he wants and given it to me, or given me tickets to a concert he wants to go to.

As for his family money, its all old money, a lot of it is tied up in trusts. So I'm told. He got quite grumpy with me when I tried to find out more information, "since when do you care about money?"*

I just don't even know what to say. Good that you are making changes for yourself and your children. This is not OK.

I feel so defeated. I'v hardly slept these last few nights, it feels like every single option is going to see me shafted in some way. I recognise this rollercoaster of emotions is somewhat normal. Now I'm trying to figure out what is normal. How much spare money do other sahm's have? Whats a normal amount to spend on yourself from week to week? How often do other women buy themselves new clothes? What sort of things do you treat yourselves too? I feel like I have no idea how to be my own person.