DP messaging OW

[Imsoconfused2018]

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

Spare money depends very much on how much money you have as a family.

Different couples have different ways of sorting out their money. What's important is that both adults feel that they have some say in the matter and have their input respected. DH and I luckily agree very much on finances. We also have enough income between us that most everyday things are covered. However, even when we had far less money, we would just discuss things like " We need a new xx for the kitchen, and the car needs yy doing, but we can only afford one this month" then we'd both talk it through. Neither of us just made a big decision. Then, once expenses were covered, we would each have fairly equal spending money. We both have a good idea of what's in the budget (we can afford going to the movies or dinner/drinks, but an expensive concert we'd talk to each other) and neither of us has ever blown the budget or spent to the point that the other had to go without. Everything for the house/DD etc has been seen as 'our' cost, never just up to one of us to cover.

I think it's the attitude of equality/respect that matters the most. It has worked for us since we were first together as recent graduates with just about 2 pennies to rub together until now, middle aged with 2 careers and more spending money. We've both had times as being the bigger contributor, and of not actually earning for a while, so we've see a lot of variation of which one of has the money and it hasn't affected the basic attitude behind the use of money.

Money is shared money. I’m on maternity leave currently. We each just buy things as needed, we would discuss big things and wouldn’t buy something big that’s just for fun eg a £200 handbag . But I told dh I am going to get a personal trainer to help me recover from giving birth, and I’ll do a session a fortnight not weekly as it’s expensive. He didn’t blink. He also suggested If i need to put my older child in nursery an extra day so I can look after baby but I don’t think we really have the money for that... so that kind of discussion and thinking. But money isn’t too tight which helps a lot of course.

OP. What happens in functional families is either both partners have access to all money and use it sensibly or once all outgoings are paid the remaining money is split so that both partners have an equal share of personal money. Or some variation on those two modes. How do you get your grocery shopping money, or money for the children's clothes?

I think the important part is that both partner's contributions to the family unit are viewed as equal. Which means that neither partner can claim control over the finances because "their work is more important".

At the moment, he's treating you as an unpaid employee. He seems to think that you want to be a paid employee, but I think an reasonable family set-up would make you a joint-director of the family unit.

OP, a sudden thought - is any spare money each month going into his savings instead of being divided between you? Since you're unmarried, I assume you have no savings in your own name?

You're doing a huge amount of wife-work to help him him build up his savings. When are you going to be able to build a safety net for yourself?

(If he asks why you'd feel you need that, you could ask whether he'd be happy to put all the savings in to your sole name. If he laughs, that's his answer.)

You still haven't shifted your thinking. It's not about how much spare money other sahms have it's about how much spare money you have as a couple. Every penny he earns is also yours. Stop seeing yourself as a separate entity

Re becoming your own person, it sounds like you've already done the hard part and acknowledged some really difficult stuff. None of us know you irl but I think we're all quite proud of you!

I'd say the next step is to try and combat all the isolation you're experiencing. It will help you get perspective on things. Can you join any local home education networks or groups? Is there a local library you can join, or classes? I think you need friends where you are and possibly back home too. Can you reach out to anyone through Facebook?

Do you think you could get him to go to couple's counselling? Maybe you'd both benefit from time with a third party who can help you to see a fairer financial system? That also may help with the OW issue.

As for when/why you care about money: you have given up your own earning potential for years to raise your DC. You have every right to know how we plans to support you and DC in everything you need. Does he have enough to cover their tuition for university, for example? Though tbh, this comment had me thinking ltb, he's not being honest with you and never has been.

And if your property is in both your names, half the proceeds from renting it out belong to you. And you should know any and all house repairs that are being funded by his family, and on what terms. Is that money a gift? A loan? Does he make repayments to them? Are you paying the right amounts of tax on that income?

I suspect the reason he doesn't tell you any of this, or explain his family money situation, is because he's trying to protect it. This is also probably the reason you aren't already married.

I'm intrigued by his family setup though. I know a lot of boarding school background people, I work at a very established independent school and speak to families like this every day. I think every single person I've ever met from this background would be mortified at the thought of their sahm having to cut their own hair/not having money to participate in things. Unless his mother cuts her own hair (in which case they are barking mad and will never change) you're being mislead somewhere.

And if your property is in both your names, half the proceeds from renting it out belong to you.

Good point. Half if it should be going into your bank account and half into his.

If he's not happy with that idea, you can suggest it all comes into your account. He'll hate that idea, but that's what he's doing to you at the moment.

All of our money goes into a joint bank account to which we both have access. We pay the mortgage and bills and put a bit into savings (general or for major outgoings like cars or building work, which would be agreed between us) and anything that's left over is for spends. I am never asked to account for spending on clothes, haircuts, hobbies, exercise classes or nights out (and nor is he).

If I wasn't working we'd have less money but I would expect exactly the same access to the pot.

Every couple I've ever discussed it with has the same arrangement, including SAHMs.

I'm another one that thinks you need to get married an as insurance policy, whether your long term future is with this man or not.

He doesn't do gifts for me, but in occasion has brought himself something he wants and given it to me, or given me tickets to a concert he wants to go to. This made me so sad. It's not the money, it's the lack of thought and care. I've given and received modest presents and lavish ones but in both cases the joy comes from the gift being "right" - that you know someone well enough, or are known well enough, that you're able to make them happy.

All our money is shared, we have a joint bank account, I can see all money coming in and out of our account, I know exactly what my husband earns and visa a versa, anything we buy we discuss with each other as I don’t want live in debt. After28 years together we have invested a lot into our realationship, financially and emotionally. I have worked part time and full time over the years, my husband is the main earner but I have put the time in with the children. I think if anything ever happens to either of us, it’s only fair our assets and money goes to the other half or split down the middle, i’m Nearly 50 as you get older, as a woman you realise how important it is to be equal in a marriage financially

Do you think his families attitude would change towards you if you were married?

You need to leave him. This isn't working for you at all. He doesn't even buy you a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers for your birthday. It's not even a relationship, you're his slave. If you weren't there he'd have to pay a housekeeper and a nanny a fair wage.

My advice is to start volunteering somewhere to build up your cv so you can get a paid job. You need to earn your owm money. He doesn't value you and refuses to support you financially properly.

Can you volunteer in a charity shop to get a reference? Then you can make your next decision from there. Any volunteering will do, even online volunteering. Anything to put on your cv. If or when you move, you can then volunteer in a role you want or get a part time paid job.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to get out! This is no life for you. You aren't a stay at home mum, you're treated like a slave.

You aren’t straight up asking him for money for YOU looking after the children. You pointed out that your long term contribution and commitment had a value too. You are informing him you require time for yourself to recharge your batteries (which will be beneficial for the whole family) and there will be a personal ( he does it ) or financial ( babysitter fees for one day ) cost involved. If you were asking for money to look after your own children wouldn’t the money you required be for six days not one ? If they gave dresses, shoes, haircuts and personal care/wish items for free or there was an option to barter for the items or the currency was leaves, stones or seashells you would still have no interest in rectangles of paper or discs of metal with numbers imprinted on them. That it was the almost universally accepted method of securing goods and services is not your invention. The irony of YOUR being greedy is not lost here. Do they have a cyber family group meetings/message sessions for all of his requirements and purchases ? Does he court their opinion on his briefcases, shoes, belts, suits, shirts, ties, socks and pants ? Here are some flowers to brighten your day

If his family are reinforcing attitudes he presumably got from them in the first place you need to find a way to get wider feedback - friends, colleagues, would he go for counselling if you insisted? This is not normal and both of you need to understand that,

I worry so much when women on threads like this just suddenly disappear.

Sorry to disappear. I'm not sure if there's any point continuing the thread. I'm in no position to walk out right now, but thanks to a lot of helpful posters I've got several avenues to explore, which I intend on doing. Thank you to everyone who provided information, helpful links, and words of encouragement and kindness

Good luck OP. Please don't hesitate to come back for support x

Good luck, OP. Remember that feeling of empowerment you had when posting earlier & channel it. Come back to re-read the messages of encouragement. You can do this

OP- he will fight you on this, and he holds all the power. He will make you feel in the wrong, and you will end up apologising to him. The longer you stay with him the more difficult it will be to leave-I know you think it will be easier, but it won't. He will find a way to stop your plan to study. He will not do the day a week with the children, and he will also reduce even the limited access you have to money. Please believe me- I know these things will happen.
Would you like to see your daughter being treated as you are, or your son treating his wife that way? Because in a few years time that's what you will see- children learn how to do relationships from their parents. And they see far more than we think they do.

I think you're right to tread carefully around the marriage issue.

You could suggest this instead of ttc?

I also see how you're planning to play the long game. This is great if you can maintain it for a couple of years. I did but my situation wasn't as bad.

Couples work finances in so many different ways. Depending on how much money is around. Loads of threads on here.

The thing to aim for imo is roughly equal leisure time and personal spending money.

Does he cut his own hair? How do you buy clothes? In healthy relationships couples generally discuss expenditure and maybe compromise on certain items. But when one of you has to ask for permission / handouts. But the other doesn't. There's a huge inequality.

Problem is it sounds like he (and his family who he is still an extension of) doesn't respect you. Your enormous contribution. And sacrifice.

They almost seem to think you should be grateful for being plucked from the gutter and given a bed. They certainly have a huge sense of superiority.

I still think you should consider what would happen if he died suddenly. Does he have a will? How long before the life insurance came through? What would his family do? Support you unconditionally or offer to pay for boarding school?

They'd inherit everything of his. Do you think they'd pass it on to you as if you were his wife? Or shaft you and obstruct your involvement?

Good luck with your plan xx

If he doesn’t have a will, his children would inherit, not the rest of his family. Even if he does have a will he would have to make provision for his children. As dependents the OP could contest the will on his children’s behalf and on her own behalf to make sure they are provided for. Not that that’s in any way ideal.