DP messaging OW

[Imsoconfused2018]

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

Some of you have been really kind
Some of you have given me harsh truths I needed to hear. Thank you. Have been online looking at distance study, and volunteer options for where we are right now. I've no references or qualifications, but volunteering doesn't require those, and will give me job experience , plus a reference at the end for my cv. The awful thing is, that I do really like him. And I really don't like how weak and pathetic that makes me feel. Time to focus on myself, its long overdue

For what it's worth, I think your relationship may be salvaged, OP - it really sounds like there has been a lack of communication between you for a very long time. I think at some point you are going to have to talk to him about this, and - if he loves you and wants to save the relationship - go to couples therapy.

That said, as PPs have said, you really need to make yourself a priority. You can't just be a home-educating housewife who is grateful that her husband picked her.

Stop TTC and start working on yourself. Whatever happens, it will certainly be for the better.

How far were you into degree - can you have any modules credited to a new course of study?

You are not weak and pathetic! He is, he is weak and pathetic to give someone another minute in his life you claimed crossed the line a few years ago! The audacity!?
I believe you will do what is best. I dont give a tinkers toss if hes some little upstarted posh boy... just goes to show you can come from a terrible past but not treat people poorly but come from wealth and be a complete ftwat! (Fkn twat!)

Do hold your head up high. This is obviouly a hard time but I bet you are good at being a mum and partner and have tonnes of qualities. Oh and sorry but someone who comes from wealth 20k when needing something?? Yet still relys on her money for free drinks etc?? LOL! #malegolddigger

You have loads of skills, you just don’t realise it. Home educating is not a small task - think about the planning, organisation yadda, yadda involved. Nor was keeping your family as a unit all whilst effectively being a ‘ trailing spouse’ whether in the Uk or with different countries and cultures involved. You are smart enough, capable enough, have social, psychological and emotional skills to live day to day with great adaptability. I bet you can budget with the best of ‘em. Do NOT undersell your skills. I would refrain from ttc if I was in your shoes, that’s like renewing the contract for another 18 years. Damage control his arse right back ! If you are now based in the UK cashback is your friend small increments to start, blame it on Brexit price rises.

So - she crossed the line (and you haven't said what, so I suspect it's worse than you're admitting to yourself), she's single, and you've ended up living near her?

Sorry, but that really stinks. He's using her as his emotional mistress, and possibly physically too.

Whether it's deliberate or just unintentional abuse, he's also isolated you, kept you financially impoverished (that's abuse), and emotionally neglected you.

It's DEFINITELY time to start taking care of yourself. Work out some things YOU want in life - just small stuff - and make them happen. Do you want the kids going to school? Part of a home ed group with social life? Do you want to join a group and have a babysitter once a week?

Unless you desperately want another baby, don't get pregnant. (btw, getting a woman pregnant, vulnerable & attached is a classic abuse behavior) Find yourself some fun in your life. You're not just there to service his feel-good need of being the family man when it suits him.

Do you want to return to the UK? If he travels so much maybe you could set up base in the UK. The oldest child may benefit from school as they get older. You can travel in the summer to keep providing those amazing experiences, and he can come home often - if that's what you want.

He's due home in a few days. He has no idea I've been reading their messages to each other. I don't think I should let on that I know just yet, but I was ironing his shirts last night and I just felt so angry with him! And then so mad at myself for letting this happen. And then depressed because no matter how I approach this, its going to be all my fault. I feel so foolish for letting it get this bad one minute, then the next I begin doubting myself and maybe its not that bad? I don't know how I'm even going to look at him when he comes home.

Not read past page 3 so apologies if it's already been suggested but could you finish off your degree with the open university?

I dropped out of university and managed to get the credits from my first year transferred over to the open university which meant I didn't have to study for as many years.

Open university would be ideal for you if you never live in one place for long as it's all online.

But yes, you do need to get your shit together asap and definitely do not have another child with that man!

You're in such a shit situation. You can't make friends to build a support network. Be proactive, you can get yourself out of this mess.

Could you open a bank account and start sneaking the odd small amount of money into it? You need your own money.

I think whether or not he's having an affair is the least of your worries right now. Direct all of that hurt and anger into something positive. He sounds awful.

I know its time to be proactive, but every thing seems such a mess and I don't know where to start. And do I make a start but keep quiet about it? Or do I have it out with him?
Someone said earlier to have a think about what I want - I stared blankly at the wall for about half an hour, its been so long since I considered what I want, I don't think I even understood what they meant. A day ago I thought things were fine, sure not ideal, but that's life, sacrifices have to be made sometimes, right? Then I read those messages and posted on here and I feel like my life has caved in around me. And I'm still standing here like an idiot, wondering how things got to this point.

If she was male would you have an issue with the conversation? If the answer is no you've answered your own question. You've said there's nothing flirty or sexual about the conversations. People are very quick on here to shout emotional affair. Would you have similar chats with your friends? If you would you can't begrudge him the same outlet just because of gender

Any other relationship issues are just that, YOUR relationship issues and nothing to do with this woman and everything to do with your partner

I can’t actually believe I’m going to write this, but if you’re going to stay with him, then marry him. At least when the inevitable (I’m sorry op but it is inevitable) happens, you and, most importantly, the dc will be provided for. You may think he’ll provide for the dc in the event of a split, but assume nothing with men like this. If you’ve been married the law is on your side.
Meantime, tell (don’t ask, tell!) DP you’re doing an OU course or some such similar course online in the evenings when dc are in bed. Frame it as really really time consuming so he’ll want you to do it - after all, he wants free time to speak to the OW. It’ll be hard. It’ll suck. You’ll be tired. You’ll want to quit. Don’t. That’s your ticket to freedom. Given your previous education you may be able to finish off your previous degree with relatively little work/time, or start another one if you’d rather.
Keep your powder dry and play the long game. No more TTC. Focus on you. Once you’ve got options then you stir shit up.
Priority 1 is to protect dc.
Priority 2 is to get back to training/work
You've got this

Take your time, there's no rush. Start with small things. I wouldn't have it out with him until you have made enough progress to have a set plan in place. You're all over the place at the moment and in a very vulnerable position so having a big argument about everything won't achieve anything.

It sounds like you need to work on your confidence and need some time away from the children to pursue your own hobbies and interests. Could you negotiate getting a babysitter so you can go to a gym class or something once a week? Exercise is good for clearing your head, can you go for a walk or a run even with the children?

Oh dear, it sounds like you're in a pretty bad place right now. Please keep coming on here and talking to us lot. Don't keep it all bottled up.

For me... I would wait til you're back in the UK at the end of the year. Use the next 6 months to squirrel away money if you can. Play the long game. Don't conceive another child, but don't let on that anything is wrong. Just act like normal. Then when you get back here you can leave. It'll be hard at first, but until you get on your feet you'll have benefits to help and you can get the kids into school, maybe get a job or go to college. There's a lot of support that can be put in place.

This man sounds like he is financially abusive at the least. I also suspect maybe emotionally. You sound like you have been isolated. You deserve a lot more than that and your kids do too.

Hang in there, you can make your life a lot better.

When the woman in question is fawning over him, stoking his ego and constantly trying to insert herself into our lives, then yes I do have a problem with them being friends, regardless of gender. All our other issues are exactly that, other issues. Which I can work through. But emotionally cheating? I don't know what to do.

Just read your most recent message OP.
You got here with lots of little decisions that added up to some really big ones. It’s ok to be in a bad situation, because now you can fight your way out.
You fought your way out of your bad background by getting a uni place didn’t you?
So find that grit again and do lots of small things to get out of this situation.
Starting with getting some training and back to work.

Honestly? I don’t think the OW is the main problem, or even top 10. She’s a symptom of a relationship where you’ve been trodden down, and he’s decided he can have it all.
Get mad and use that to fuel your comeback. Focus on you and the dc.

Thank you for giving me a safe place to think out loud/vent. I get out each day with the dcs, they're a pretty active bunch. Healthy and happy and thriving, I don't want to mess that up for them. Have hardly slept, have been online looking at courses and job prospects, trying to figure out what I'm good at and what qualifications I can get. I know I need to work on my self esteem. How does one do that? Fake it till I make it?

OP telling him about her smear test doesn't exactly sound like a come on. DH has a WhatsApp group with some of his friends that pings at all kinds of times of day and night, it's ok he's allowed friends, I have friends too and pretty sure we have the odd moan about each other to them, it's but a deal breaker. You have other major issues in your relationship but it seems you are ignoring them to focus on FB messages. You don't need a reason such as an affair to leave, if you are unhappy that's enough, feeling controlled and not valued is enough, having to secretly cut down groceries to afford a haircut is enough, not being seen as an equal partner is enough, you don't need an excuse to value yourself.

A PP said it's time to see yourself as more than DP and mother, I agree, do something that's just for you, it will give you some of your identity back and that will help with confidence etc. Just because he has a posher family does not make him better than you.

You said he will marry you if you say you will leave him. Test him on that theory. Demand marriage or you're gone.

Once married, you're secure. Then you can leave him anyway. Next time he's at work, pack your stuff and take your children back to the UK and stay with family for a while until you get something. Then start divorcing him. You're better off without him, do you want to be miserable forever?

I dont understand why you feel so unworthy op. You have given this man three lovely children and if it wasn't for you being a sahm, then he would not have the opportunity to move around with his job and career. He wouldn't be able to go away at weekends or out drinking with this "friend". You are his equal (and better)in every way.

If you married him then your legal status would of course change but you would be marrying a man who is not going to change. I may be wrong here, but if you move around so much, I take it there is no permanent house you own? Do you rent?

I would tell him that you want him to stop seeing her and how disrespectfully they are behaving towards you. You will see by his reaction the reality of the situation as you know him best.

As for the children, they will be provided for in any event as he has a statutory duty to support them. However, I know it does not always work like that.

My view is that you should not under any circumstances marry this man. Imagine your nagging doubt on your wedding day and undoubtedly she will attend in some form. You need to ask yourself where you see yourself in five years time.

I think you need to work on yourself, if you're boring yourself it's hard to feel confident in relationships with other people and it's very easy to slip into a position where you just fill a 'role' and forget who you are.

You need to start making connections that aren't about children and family and work from there. Try looking at the mindvalley community, there's plenty of free stuff in there that you can join in with (and there's also stuff for kids as well, would tie in really well with HE). As you start feeling more confident in yourself the rest will follow, and you'll know what you need to do, whether it's marriage, ultimatums or anything else.

Put some of the effort you've been putting into DC and DP into yourself for a while, you know you're worth it!

Read some self help books. General books on confidence and self esteem and creating a growth mindset. They can be really cheesy but they do help to get you into a positive way of thinking which makes you better able to make changes to your life.

You'll be a different person in 6 months. All the small things you do will make a difference. Take it slowly and do one thing each day for yourself whether it's reading chapter of a book or putting some money aside for yourself.