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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:
Pippylou · 06/07/2018 21:32

Er, that's financial control right there...

CoolCarrie · 06/07/2018 21:33

So he sponges off her for drinks, meals and fun, you aren’t included, and you are stuck at home? Grow a backbone for your dc sake, if not your own.

KokoandAllBall · 06/07/2018 21:40

I think you've overstepped the mark reading his messages and if I was your DP I would leave you for that.

Bizarre how you think what she has done is worse than what he has done. Really bizarre.

rosesgarden · 06/07/2018 21:41

So your problem is just because shes a woman. Your husband has the right to have a best friend
Wouldn't like to have you as a friend. Such empathy. Shock

RoboJesus · 06/07/2018 21:44

@rosesgarden because I think you should have a best friend? Makes sense

AnyFucker · 06/07/2018 21:46

Why do women hamstring themselves so comprehensively like this?

Op, you have made a terrible mistake making you and your kids reliant on this man. He is taking the piss and you have no power whatsoever.

Being a SAHM with so many kids only works when you have the (relative) financial protection of marriage.

For the love of God, don't get pregnant again.

KokoandAllBall · 06/07/2018 21:46

He's a prick, and you need to establish some independence asap.

A) STOP TTC. Right now. Because a baby will make you 10 x more dependent on him.

B) Start working on getting a job.

C) When you have money coming in, don't tell him how much you are being paid, or give him a lower amount and don't leave any proof lying about. Start putting some money aside.

Then you will be in a position where you only have to stay with him because you love him and want to work out issues (and there are many). But he has all the power now, and he knows it, and he's abusing it.

KokoandAllBall · 06/07/2018 21:48

I didn't see that you already have kids. Well for gods sake, don't have any more.

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2018 21:53

Are they his children?

I assume you have no access to any money? What do you do for haircuts, clothes etc?

ToeToToe · 06/07/2018 21:56

If he'd "marry you tomorrow" and you want financial security - then marry him tomorrow. It's only fair if you're bringing up his children.

If you want to be more interesting to him - then be more interesting. You're a sahm - not a prisoner of war. I'm a sahm and keep my dh interested. BUt then he's a decent bloke - who is interested in me and the children (and it get's easier to have your own life as the children get older).

But do YOU want to save the relationship?

ToeToToe · 06/07/2018 21:59

*And if you want to stay with him, sort out the money situation. You should not be skint unless he is too. Demand equality in your family finances.

flutteryleaves · 06/07/2018 22:01

i think the financial set up is weird too. its 2018, not 1958. if you wanted to buy a new pair of sandals (just because you liked them) or a new handbag or get your nails done, do you have to reduce groceries?

when i didnt have a job, was unmarried with child, i could still go to the shops and buy frivolous things so long as i wasnt reckless and bought a chanel handbag etc

ThePants999 · 06/07/2018 22:08

OP, I hope you understand that you're getting a very typical Mumsnet "LTB" view here. The vipers do love their righteous indignation over this sort of thing.

rosesgarden · 06/07/2018 22:32

Robo "It makes sense"? No it doesn't, he's acting inappropriately. Lots of men have a "best friend", I bet they're not dementedly sending messages day and night. The poor love doesn't have to have a best friend at all ffs.

RoboJesus · 06/07/2018 22:34

@rosesgarden not even my quote ...

IfNot · 06/07/2018 22:43

Yeah, actually, don't leave him. Fuck that. Marry him. Soon as possible. At least then you'll have some leverage. I'm sorry but this man has done a right number on you. You sound positively grateful for the opportunity to live in his shadow. Yeah, yeah, you had a shit upbringing- you, me and next doors dog, but ffs. Come on love.

Gazelda · 06/07/2018 22:45

OP, the way you write gives me the impression that you're grateful to him for being with you.

IhopeyoulikeNavantoo · 06/07/2018 22:59

Definitely don't have anymore kids.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 23:28

Ok. So the general consensus it I'm not being unreasonable. I didn't realise how bad things are. Finding those messages has shined a spotlight on how messed up this is. I don't even know how to get a job. We move a fair bit and I don't earn enough anyway to pay for the dc to be looked after while I work. I know I need to change this around. But its not as simple as just ltb. Ive nowhere to go for starters. Or anyway o provide for us. I can't believe I've let things get this bad. It honestly didnt seem that bad.

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 06/07/2018 23:39

The fact that he forces you to scrimp and scrape makes him an absolute pig in the first place. I’m assuming he’s wealthy?

SoftBallSophie · 06/07/2018 23:39

It just goes to show that we should trust our instincts, you knew all along and now you have proof.

It's an emotional affair.

It sounds like she's completely besotted with him and he is loving all the attention and stringing her along. He's telling himself they're just friends so he can justify it, but texting to that degree is not normal or acceptable he has crossed the line.

If it were me he'd have used up his last chance. If you throw him out he's going straight to her, bastard.

IfNot · 06/07/2018 23:45

I don't earn enough anyway to pay for the dc to be looked after while I work.
Is this even real?! Who knows...anyway, in case it is:
Why is it just up to you to pay for childcare? Are they not your partners children?
Because if they are, he's had 3 children and currently pays nowt for childcare.
Those things are a joint responsibility.

IfNot · 06/07/2018 23:46

I am not even jntetested in the OW. It's the least of your problems tbh.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 23:48

He's not super wealthy, but he comes from money. When he wants a holiday/new car/ house repairs, he gets given money from his family - like 20k or so. I never see a cent of it, as its HIS families money. And his family are quite clear that they are ok with that. They would have preferred he had taken up with someone posher I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 23:54

He's never paid anything for the children, other than housing and feeding, sometimes he gets them birthday or xmas presents.
I can count on one hand the amount of times hes looked after them on his own on the last 10 years. But in fairness, hes away working so much, not like hes been laying on the couch ignoring them.

OP posts: