DP messaging OW

[Imsoconfused2018]

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

Stop ironing his shirts for a start. In fact just stop ironing all together

I would definitely marry him for the security.

Look into teacher training. If you have home educated your 3 dc you will have loads of experience.

Have you ever had an open discussion with him about money? If not he could be unaware how vulnerable you feel. Although I would be careful with this if you know he is intentionally controlling.

Certainly stop ttc. You have three wonderful children but beyond that the way you described your life BEFORE you even found the messages sounds like you were trapped and miserable.

I wouldn't say trapped and miserable. My dcs are my life, being their mother makes me very happy. It just hasn't turned out how I thought it would. So I need to change that.

OP - this is not your fault. Tell yourself that 10 times a day.
Stop TTC because it will tie you to the kitchen sink (or whatever) for another 5 years, and even less able to find a job. You would then also have 4 dc to find childcare for.
You have drifted into this situation because it worked for you.....until it didn't. Your DP is cake eating. He has broken the boundaries and doesn't appear to respect you at all.
SO - you have to start respecting yourself. Get a job, start a course, make a friend and do it for YOU, whatever he says.

Yeah, but they will grow up & then there's just you & him, or probably just you.

Even a nanny/housekeeper would get a really good salary.

Aside from her, how are things? Have you told him you need access to your own money? I know you shouldn't have to, but have you?

Yes I have. He takes offense every time, says he pays all the bills, gives me his money when I need to go grocery shopping, says I'm making him look like the bad guy when he's fully providing for me. And then I feel awful for being so demanding, when I'm not the one working and earning money.

So he gets to do the job he wants - no compromises
Uproot the family at his convenience - No compromises (I was informally offered my dream job 4 hours away but because it would mean DH has to leave a job he loves, dc leaving clubs and friends, I stuck with a job I like and is OK. Your man has to make no such compromise)

He has a free full-time tutor for his children so he can travel at the drop of a hat. I’m struggling to find an affordable one as it would cost £200 per month for two hours once a week.

He has free childcare. (You said you don’t get to go out ). If I want to watch a movie I have to plan in advance, call in childcare favours or pay at least £20 babysitting. We have to plan in advance. He gets to do whatever he wants, spur of the moment, no sacrifices.

You have become a household object to him, little different from a washing machine or a dishwasher. You perform the function of producing children, you take care of them exclusively, prepare their food, laundry and take care of all their needs. He just has to worry about a fun present a few times a year. He doesn’t have to deal with vomit or diarrhoea or tantrums. He gets the fun cute bits and gets to be a Disney Dad.

You are a washing machine to him. She is an Interesting Person.

My dp would love to say ‘look, I want to gallivant round the world doing a fun job, I want the kids near me so I want you to take care of them full time, so don’t work. But you can pay for them. Obviously I need a social life so you can stay at home. I’ve made some friends as I’m out and about, however I know you will meet no one stick at home and even if you do, we will move countries soon so you will learn not to bother making connections.’

No. He does a normal job that’s a bit less exciting but allows all other family members to live their lives.

Get married tomorrow because this selfish shit is going to leave you and is going to leave you with nothing but a pile of kids to take care of on the cms minimum payment. His rich family’s lump sums won’t come into the calculation. Also, benefits have stopped for new children and the government pays only for the first two. You don’t want to be stuck paying for everything without spousal maintenance.

OP you are working, you have a full time job of housekeeping, looking after 3 DC and and your DP. You should be as in control of the money as he is,it just sounds like he is in control of you. He shouldn't be giving you money for groceries, you should have access to it yourself. He doesn't sound like the great guy you think he is.

Ok. I think I'm going to finish my degree. Will take a few years as will have to do it part time. In the mean time? I get better at asserting myself. I work on building self esteem and a life that doesn't revolve around him. I have tried in the past. Theres lots of things I find interesting and fun, but he never wants to hear about it or be involved. The dcs are getting to an age now where I can easily take them with me and involve them in a hobby. They're all well past the small child stage, so it won't be the impossible mission it once was. I think thats how I drifted in to this mess. I had them all close together and those early years just depleted me, I put absolutely everything I had in to them, and forgot about myself.

OP, as someone said above, self-help books can give you a new perspective on yourself (yes some are cheesy & I know not everyone subscribes to them. Personally I take what I need to hear from them & discard the overly cheesy bits!)

I think if you focus on YOU - building your feelings of self-worth - then everything else will fall into place. Maybe you have to value yourself before others will value you?

You have been working. You are raising & home schooling 3 children, you keep a house & all that entails. Sit down & work out how much childcare would’ve cost during the time you have been doing it. Add up the cost of employing others to cook, clean, launder, etc. You are earning, without getting a salary. Your DP would do well to remember he wouldn’t be in his salaried job without your support.

I know it’s hard when you’re not used to putting yourself first, but you absolutely must for your own sanity (which in turn will help your DC immensely when they watch their mom valuing herself).

You’ve got this! We’re all cheering you on!

But he doesn't fully provide for you, as you are not allowed anything for yourself.

However, you sound like you like him, he's not battering you, you don't think he's nobbing the OW, so your health isn't being compromised, the kids are good, so you have time. Time to think, plan, do.

Get working on finding surplus cash, look at alternate realities (where could you live, etc?), work on improving things at home. If he gets nasty, you have your answer.

Marry him before dc4.

What would happen to you, your home and children if he died tomorrow? Would you have access to money?

I did insist on him getting life insurance when we had the first dc. It would be enough to see me mortgage free and give me a year or so to sort myself if he suddenly died. He always been happy to provide the necessities for us. Iv never gone without as such, but if I wanted a new handbag say, just cos, there's no chance of that happening.

If anyone has any suggestions for income I can earn from home with no quals and limited experience, I'd love to hear it.

I second teacher training, or something in education. You sound patient and calm (despite what's going on) and like you love kids. You also write very articulately and have excellent grammar. (As far as I can tell, lol).
If you home educate you must be smarter than most (I couldn't bloody do it!).
The only thing that went wrong is that you fell for a controlling man too young.
It's happens to the best of us.
Of course you love him. He's been your lifeline for years-you are totally dependent on him. You probably feel like life would be impossible without him.
This is embarrassing but when my abusive ex and I broke up, I would turn up at his house in tears begging to be let in, because my self esteem was so destroyed.
I left with nothing eventually ( thankfully no kids at the time)and I thought my life was over.
1 year later I felt absolutely nothing for him. Zero. Just a vague morbid fascination at myself for getting dragged in to such an unhealthy situation.
I did a degree, had a dc, met a lovely man and it's all good.
From what you have said you need, eventually, to extricate yourself from the situation you are in.
Your children will be fine-they are happy and confident because of you and will continue to be so.
Don't make rash decisions but focus on what you need to build for yourself going forward.

Doh! X post.
You could be a virtual PA? So managing diaries/ doing admin for self employed or small businesses.
Or learn bookkeeping?

I did insist on him getting life insurance when we had the first dc. It would be enough to see me mortgage free and give me a year or so to sort myself if he died

Do you have a patio?

Okay .... you've admitted there's 1000's of messages but non are sexual... I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Do I think you should tell him you have seen the messages...? Hard one as it will come out somehow. But honest and admit to your flaws.

Unfortunately life insurance doesn't cover you while he is living. Like other people have said get married. Even that might not help though as he may want you to sign a prenup. I can't believe he gets handed lump sums of money like this from his family and you don't see a penny or get a say in what happenes with it. Also if you want a new bag then you should be able to go get a new bag. What happens with any left over money after bills are paid etc?

But honest and admit to your flaws

Pmsl, seriously?

Thats very kind of you to say IfNot. I had a quick scroll up and checked my grammar and spelling, so many typos! But I think I can be forgiven for most of them as they've been tapped out on my phone while I've been going about my daily business with the dcs and trying not to let them see how upset I am.

It sounds as if there are several elements in this.
One is your insecurities, another is communication between you and your partner, another is making time for each other to work at the relationship and finally the friend.
Personally I wouldn't walk out I think you need to spend some time working on yourself and some couples counselling.
I don't think you would feel as threatened if you thought your relationship was in a better place. Which is something that you both can work on once you acknowledge it. Don't storm about the friend speak to your partner about how you are feeling and wanting to get your relationship out of a sticky patch.
As for the friend I think there is a bit of a overstep but as you say there isn't anything sexual in it but he communicates with her as it's seen as an easier option maybe he thinks you will get annoyed or not be interested.
Focus on you and improving your relationship. All relationships need working at and everyone has sticky patches.