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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 06/07/2018 21:04

*liking not living! Doh!

Original poster

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 21:08

He'd marry me tomorrow if he thought that would save our relationship. I dont believe he has any intention of taking things further with her, I think he's just having his cake and eating it. She has a lot of disposable income, happy to shower him with free drinks and nights out (always in the company of other people, not like its a date), while he's got me at home cooking and cleaning and looking after kids. Our kids are home educated due to the fact we move around due to dps job. This means I've not worked in over a decade, so I am chronically skint and just not very interesting.
Being at home with the kids has made me quite boring. Her job involves travel and she always visits when shes in the area. I do know that she is like this with other people to, loves to be the centre of attention and is very generous with her money, so again I'm going to look unreasonable if I bring it up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 21:08

Christ, reading back over that was depressing.

OP posts:

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 06/07/2018 21:11

Definite emotional affair. It's not like his "friendship" dates back years and years with lots of shared history together. And how can she be like that with everyone - she simply wouldn't have the time! The not mentioning you (unless in context of "damage control") is a huge red flag too.

DistanceCall · 06/07/2018 21:12

I'm really sorry, OP. All I can say is don't have another child with this man before you clarify your situation.

And I think you should start to give more priority to taking care of yourself, too.

HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 21:15

Oh OP, why would you give up your job and give up everything just to follow this guy around when you're not married to him? I get so depressed at this.

Original poster

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 21:15

I can't rip into him and or leave. I've no qualifications, bugger all work experience, no support, I'd be screwed. I'm not happy and something has to change. But its going to have to be a slow process. I'm not willing to disrupt dcs lives, so need to figure out how to get myself out of this situation. Im already thinking if study via distance? So if/when I do go, I'll have a better chance at a job? My heads spinning and i still feel like I'm making a big deal over something minor. Like I'm willing to throw away our family because dp has friends.

OP posts:

RoboJesus · 06/07/2018 21:16

So your problem is just because shes a woman. Your husband has the right to have a best friend

DistanceCall · 06/07/2018 21:16

You said that he overstepped the line some time ago. What happened?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/07/2018 21:16

Best friend don’t make moves, don’t cross lines or need damage control for their actions

IfNot · 06/07/2018 21:18

This means I've not worked in over a decade, so I am chronically skint and just not very interesting.
Wait, what? YOU are skint? Why just YOU? Is he skint?

Original poster

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 21:18

I mer him when I was at uni. He's a bit older than me. I comw from a terrible back ground and he comes from a very posh one. Couldn't believe he would even be interested in someone like me. Of course I followed him. He's kind and funny and gentle and lovely and has provided my children with a life I could never have hoped to givenl them

OP posts:

OkMaybeNot · 06/07/2018 21:18

"Damage control"

He doesn't respect you at all. What a fucking nasty thing to say. They're taunting you.

IfNot · 06/07/2018 21:20

Was it his idea or yours to tcc #4?

hammeringinmyhead · 06/07/2018 21:21

My friend saw a similar comment from her husband to a female friend ("damage control") when her husband handed his phone over to make a call. His DMs were open on the screen. She absolutely hit the roof. That is a despicable way to speak about your partner, who is supposed to be your favourite person!

Original poster

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 21:21

Im skint because I don't have a job. Dp pays for every thing (mortgage/cars/bills/kids baiscs/holidays) but if I need anything I buget the grocery shop down and stash whats left over and save up for things

OP posts:

Original poster

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 21:23

I realise how it looks , but you've got to realise that what I came from was worse. He's a saint compared to what I was raised with

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/07/2018 21:23

Is house In Joint names or his sole name?

CoolCarrie · 06/07/2018 21:23

Why do you want another child with him,? Ffs stop trying! If your relationship breaks up,you are going to be on your own with four children. You need to deal with his, and her behaviour before you bring yet another child in to this situation.
Tell him enough is enough, give him an ultimatum, he is clearly have an emotional affair with her, and the fact she has left her husband is a huge red flag about her intentions.

lecossaise · 06/07/2018 21:25

I would think if she's discussing her smear tests, she at least probably doesn't see it as sexual - what could be less sexy?!

Isawthelight · 06/07/2018 21:26

I think you've overstepped the mark reading his messages and if I was your DP I would leave you for that

Don't be so utterly ridiculous.

OP If I were you, I'd tell him that he cuts her off or you'll leave him...actually I don't know if I could get over it tbh and may just leave him.

choli · 06/07/2018 21:27

I think the financial setup in your marriage is much more worrying than a possible emotional affair.

Isawthelight · 06/07/2018 21:31

so again I'm going to look unreasonable if I bring it up

Of course he's going to say you're being unreasonable, he'll try and convince you that 'it's all in your head', 'she's just a friend' or 'you're too controlling' and the classic 'you shouldn't have been going through my phone and snooping'.

Don't fall for his bullshit excuses.

Graphista · 06/07/2018 21:32

You're not only being cuckolded you're being emotionally and financially abused.

You shouldn't have to cut down the food shop to buy things when he is well off! That's ridiculous.

Where are you are you in uk?

LanguidLobster · 06/07/2018 21:32

If he's restricting you financially and getting taken out for drinks regularly whilst you do the washing up something's gotta give

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