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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh being overly harsh

193 replies

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 04/07/2018 20:59

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

OP posts:

LEMtheoriginal · 04/07/2018 21:03

Tell him to sleep in the spare room. Just not your spare room. Somebody elses. Controlling. Bullying fuckwit

DiddimusStench · 04/07/2018 21:03

Is he usually that aggressive generally? That’s appalling behaviour and if it carries on he could inflict untold damage on your DD.

BertieBotts · 04/07/2018 21:05

Really OTT for a 2yo and then to go off and have a tantrum himself in response?

Really shit. Is he usually like this? It reminds me entirely of conversations with my ex TBH!

SandyY2K · 04/07/2018 21:05

He was being too harsh on her and sounds like he was showing off to his family.

She's only 2 FGS.

He was being silly and overreacted.

Kittykat93 · 04/07/2018 21:07

Your poor dd, she's only 2 years old for gods sake who the hell does he think he's shouting at? I'd be seriously telling him to buck up his ideas.

Phillipa12 · 04/07/2018 21:10

Im still rereading the bit that says, he then moved me away from her.......your dh is a twat, a bullying twat. Your dd had 3 square meals, cake and milk so wasnt hungry and hes trying to force her to eat more. Enjoy a night of not having to sleep next to the arsehole!

SaltyPeanut · 04/07/2018 21:11

A controlling bully and a childish one at that.

Alarm bells OP, fucking loud ones.

ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 04/07/2018 21:12

Tell him to fuck off to the far end of fuck then fuck off some.more! He moved you away from your dd? What a self righteous wanker. Sorry op but this is nasty controlling behaviour. She is 2 it is hot she will be cranky. She still cant express herself. Telling a 2yr old she cant have a hug sorry that is abusive controlling behaviour.

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 21:13

Tell him to sleep in the spare room. Just not your spare room. Somebody elses. Controlling. Bullying fuckwit

This! How are you and DD now?

littlestrawby · 04/07/2018 21:14

terrible!! why on earth would she want to eat more when she'd already had three meals, cake and milk!! If he behaves like that when he's trying to get her to eat he's only going to create a bad atmosphere around eating for her, which is not going to help her in the long run. Outside of that matter he generally sounds like a prat if he thinks that is normal parenting behaviour!

Kingsclerelass · 04/07/2018 21:17

She’s 2, her tummy was full of milk and it’s hot so her appetite will be less anyway.
And he’s worrying what he looks like in front of his family

What a superficial, ego-centric bullying arsehole. Sorry. I usually try hard not to be rude about other people’s family but frankly, what else is there to say.

Original poster

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 04/07/2018 21:17

Dd and I are fine. He didn't want to help with bath and bed and instead is Sat in a strop in the sofa while I make lunches for work tomorrow. Dd is sound asleep.

I wish I could day this was an isolated incident but it's not. He moans whenever Dd asks to be picked up so now whenever he is here I litererally feel like I have to ask his permission to pick her up. I just pick her up anyway as I know there will be a day when she doesn't want cuddles

She had her first haircut the other day (hairdresser came here) did mine first and when it was her turn she was visablly distressed so I Sat next to her holding her hand, dh threatened to put her on the step if she carried on

OP posts:

bubbles108 · 04/07/2018 21:19

Why do you enable him by continuing to allow him to treat DD like this?

DiddimusStench · 04/07/2018 21:20

Withholding affection is abuse OP. You need to be taking steps to protect your DD.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2018 21:20

Your husband is a bullying, sadistic cunt. Your daughter is barely more than a baby for fuck's sake. His behaviour is massively concerning.

Sidalee7 · 04/07/2018 21:22

He sounds vile. Why do you need his permission to pick up your child?

Hillstreamloach · 04/07/2018 21:22

Take a stand now OP. You are right and don't let him make you question yourself.

NameChange30 · 04/07/2018 21:24

He is a nasty excuse for a father and sounds abusive towards both of you tbh.

Why on earth are you making his lunch?!

This can’t continue. I think you should talk to your HV.

Leeds2 · 04/07/2018 21:25

What did his family say about all this?

eggsandwich · 04/07/2018 21:25

Does he normally like to put on a parenting show ?

She’s 2 Ffs he’s just annoyed at making a dick of himself in front of his family and even more so by walking out.

I’d give him a wide birth for a while until he calm’s down and can talk about it like an adult.

ChicagoWest · 04/07/2018 21:25

Please leave him. He sounds very much like my father. My mother stayed with him and therefore enabled his behaviour. I have long term mental health conditions caused by this that will never go .

LostNow · 04/07/2018 21:25

Your update makes it sound even worse. Please don’t minimise this, I can tell you from experience it will only get worse. You don’t get these years back and it’s really shit when you look back on them and realise how much happier you could have been on your own with your dd and you look at her now and see the damage it’s caused by not acting sooner

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 04/07/2018 21:26

Ah, classic man beating his chest and trying to show who's the boss in front of family. Any man who speaks aggressively to a two year old is a bastard as far as I'm concerned. My husband would never have shouted at our children like that, tell him it's unacceptable, that's after you've told the bully go eff off.

sparkleandsunshine · 04/07/2018 21:26

I agree with the pp who said withholding affection is abuse. She is 2, my daughter is 18 months, if mr DH EVER treated her like this I would be the one shouting, I would put him in his place straight away and tell him we are not raising an emotionless arsehole so could he please not be one around her. What a prick.

rosesandflowers1 · 04/07/2018 21:26

Nasty.

I'd be pissed if DH spoke to one of our children like that. Especially the "no cuddles" bit - what kind of message is that? "No affection until you do as I say"?

Don't back down on this OP. He's being an arse.

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