Dh being overly harsh

[Alwaysinthewrong86]

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

He won't change. Are you hoping he will?

Controlling people don't step down their abuse, they just step it up because the one thing they fear is losing control and they can't cope with people actually being independent beings, not pawns they can push around. Unfortunately you will never have a normal life or relationship with somebody who is controlling. They are incapable of it.

Have my first LTB

This prick will emotionally damage your child, please leave him.

What the hell are you thinking staying with this guy ?

It's just a waste of energy arguing with a child over food especially a meal that's not that healthy anyway and the fact that she has previously eaten a lot. Just remove her from the table and don't offer anything else other than a drink of water before bedtime.

It sounds like your husband is jealous of your child and the attention you give her means less for him. Tough, that what's being a mother is all about. Think carefully before you have another child with this man and tell him he is behaving like a child himself and then ignore him until he is over it. Don't give HIM attention for his bad behaviour!

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You must protect yourself and your child, and they will provide support.

He isn't displaying empathy towards you or DD because to him you do not have real emotions as he does not fully see you as people, but as roles - his wife and child. Only his emotions are the ones which are valid and you will be expected to dance around them and appease them at all times, even though he will probably claim that he doesn't have any emotions at all, men like this often take pride in the fact that they don't - when really you are regularly treated to colourful displays of said emotions, much like a toddler who has (reasonably) not yet learned to prioritise or control them! The difference is he should probably have learned to keep his in check several decades ago.

You will find that the entire family lives in the shadow of his emotions - when he's happy you're allowed to be happy (in fact, must be happy or at least appear happy or he will accuse you of being "ungrateful", "always like this", "moody", "don't know why I bother" etc) and when he's in a mood then he's incapable of keeping it to himself - he has to bring down the mood of everybody else as well.

&..and also plz have my first LTB

He sounds very controlling op and you shouldn't have to ask for permission to pick your child up.

"Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave"

I found this helpful quote on the MN guide to domestic violence. OP you might think your dh is not as bad as some people on here are making out. But is he good enough for you and your little girl?

Somebody said before about parenting classes. whatever it is, if you are planning to try in this relationship at all you must make clear it is not going well and seek outside help so its not just coming from you.

I would definitely take these as alarm bells - but equally a friend of mine really struggled when his DS was born, he expected it to be the perfect baby, acted like a selfish brat because it wasn't just the two of them anymore and frankly I was beginning to think his wife should leave him - even though he was my friend first not her if that makes sense.

They started with relationship advice, I think there was parenting advice given too and he ended up doing therapy by himself as well. He'd had a harsh upbringing, that was the way he had been treated and he struggled to realise that there was another way. It did end happily (and still is several years later) - I am conscious of this turning into "maybe you can save him from himself OP". In the first instance you must protect yourself and child but he is her father and always will be, I would personally have that frank if upsetting discussion and ask why he is acting like that, explain your take on it and can he see why not acceptable.

Obviously if this makes you worried about how he would react to this level of frankness, ie would he become aggressive etc, then run for the hills and don't look back x

Awww she’s 2, not much more than a baby, she probably wasn’t hungry if she’s eaten especially due to the heat. Why would he want to force someone to eat who doesn’t need to?
The hairdressers incident sounds overly mean, what does it matter to him if she holds your hand for a bit of comfort (it’s what nice parents are supposed to do).

he is holding your daughter to an unobatainable standard and making her cry - if that is not bad enough to leave what is

Good God OP. He sounds like an absolute dickhead. Can you safely leave? You and your daughter are worth so much more.

The problem with leaving your H because of the way he treats your children is that if you leave, instead of you being with them all the time to stop it escalating too far, he will have them on his own.

So it's not as simple as 'why are you staying with this man, you must leave him to protect your child'. It could be that you feel you are protecting your children by staying with him.

All that angst over spaghetti hoops
WTAF,
Poor child.

Op I feel for you. Your dh has really done a number on you, he has you second guessing your parenting and even your instincts, which seem to me to be spot on. He is trying to make you believe that you are the controlling one, undermining him and making all the decisions about your DD. He clearly knows nothing about parenting and isn't willing to learn. It seems to me that he doesn't see your little girl as a person, but as some sort of accessory. I really think that you and your little one will be happier without him as pp have said. My dh was a bit like this when our DC were small, he would make ridiculous decisions or give them daft ultimatums, (if you don't eat your breakfast you can't go to school) then get angry when I didn't back him up. But he was young, he was clueless, and he learned to do better. Perhaps you can talk to your dh and make him understand how his behaviour is damaging your family, I hope you can, but I think you need to have an exit plan in place.

Is he aggressive in other aspects of his life - work, friendships etc?
This all sounds very worrying.

How does he conduct himself in other areas of your relationship - finances, helping out in the house, for example.

How did he behave toward you before your daughter was born?

Does he ever babysit your daughter alone?

How old is he and does he have children from any previous relationship?

I seem to be asking an awful lot of questions here, but I think they're important to fully understand your husband's behaviour. I am worried that there is more going on here than perhaps you have let us know initially - and what you have already told us is bad enough!

And the wanting the perfect family comment is spot on. It feels like he wants a subordinate wife who just does what he says, does everything round the house and let's him get on with life, which would be fine if I didn't work full time as well!

Oh OP

I don't like to say LTB so I won't. But I'd be considering.

I would sit him down and say frankly that his behaviour has to change. Lay out his apathy, his need for control, his stereotypical and misogynistic ideas, and the effect it will have on you and your daughter.

His reaction is what would do it for me. Presumably you married him for a reason - once you've got it through to him, does he want to change? If he doesn't, I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

If he says he wants to change, and you want to start that change, remember:

1. Don't change your plans to accommodate him.
2. Don't plan your daily routine around his.
3. State your opinion.
4. If he says something rude, entitled or misogynistic, call him out on it. Every. Time.
5. Don't allow him to persuade or intimidate you into dropping something or doing something you want to do.
6. When you recognise his behaviour, fight it.

And I hate to say it, but try not to leave him alone with u our DD

How old is he? Sounds about 14! A Pretend Parent, no idea what he's doing, but throwing his weight around and hoping his aggression will get the desired result. He wasn't concerned about your child, or whether or not she'd had enough to eat. He was simply showing off, being 'strict daddy who gets results' in front of his relatives.

Your child is not a cipher in his performance of masculinity.

A lot of people are suggesting that the OP take her DD away from him or have supervised contact only. But, in reality- even based on the vile way her DH behaves, it's not enough to ensure that the court will allow him only supervised contact. In which case, he will have unsupervised contact making it harder for the OP to protect her child.

I'm not saying she shouldn't leave. But she should think very carefully how to play this.

Op i feel sick reading your updates. Please do not leave your daughter alone with this man. Read your comments back to yourself, if another woman said her dh was treating her like this what would yoi say to her? Your daughter is going to grow up scared and anxious tip toeing around her father to please him and you are doing just that now. You feel like you need permission to hold your child? Alarm bells. He threatened her with the naughty step for being upset? Alarm bells. He moved you away from yiur child? Alarm bells. He was annoyed because she didnt sleep through at 6 wks? Alarm bells.

Op please look at what you are saying. You may love him but that does not give him the right to treat you and his child like this. Whats he going to be like if she is really ill and needs your constant attention? How is he going to react if she doesnt read/write/ride a bike (insert random mile stone here) at the same time as her peers? He might want a perfect life, but tough shit it doesnt happen like that. Hell i think everyone on MN would want a perfect naice life but we get the cards we are dealt and what ever tgey are it doesnt give us tge right to treat others like shit. Think of yours and your daughters mental health. Today he moved you, whats he going to do tomorrow?

Wanker. I’d bloody kill my husband if he spoke to our daughter like that! Your both better off without him. Hugs to you both

Thank you for all the replies.

In answer to some questions:

Dd is both of our first child. And likely to be only. I would love another but dh has already said he doesn't want anymore. He did once say that part of the reason is because he struggles with not getting the attention from me that he used to, but now denies saying that.

We are both late twenties/early thirties. Wise enough to have a bit of an idea of how the world works.

He always had to be in control/be right. He cannot accept that anyone else can have an idea that might be better than he does. He has always been like this. If I am doing something it he thinks his way is better, he will moan about it until I change the way I am doing it.

We recently took dad's dummies and bottles away because he decided it was time. I had no issue with her still having either of these. She had a dummy to sleep with only and water in a bottle before bed, but these had to go because he didn't like them. When I said I wanted to wait until she was a few months older and understood a bit more he had a 3 day strop about it.

So it was OK for him not to eat, but not your DD who had already had food at nursery and milk.

He's a bully. To a 2 year old. What a big man that makes him.

I'm sorry OP but I couldn't be under the same roof as him for doing that.

Google narcissist/ sociopath.
Does he have any of these traits?