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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh being overly harsh

193 replies

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 04/07/2018 20:59

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

OP posts:
SaltyPeanut · 04/07/2018 21:27

OP. The alarm bells are getting louder.

These are descriptions of borderline abusive behaviour at least.

Summersnake · 04/07/2018 21:27

Have you got a friend or a relative you could talk to ?

DonkeyPlease · 04/07/2018 21:28

You can't let your dd be around this man, he is going to hurt her badly one day.

WizardOfToss · 04/07/2018 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HMC2000 · 04/07/2018 21:29

I'm sorry, OP, but that is borderline abusive. In fact, it's already over the border. I think either he gets some parenting classes, or you may have to (and this is my first ever) LTB.

rosesandflowers1 · 04/07/2018 21:29

Just saw the update... why is he so emotionless? What a dick.

It sounds like he wants a perfect happy family - dutiful wife who never questions him, perfect toddler who runs on a schedule and is never upset or crying or in need of comfort. While Dad can treat people how he likes.

This needs dealing with.

user764329056 · 04/07/2018 21:29

I have a stomach ache from tension just reading this, poor little girl, please don’t stay around with this fucking idiot OP

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2018 21:30

I would like to say to him:

“Are you proud of yourself, bullying a 2-year-old and then stropping off home in a worse tantrum than hers?”

Then chuck him out - your dd does not deserve this nastiness and abuse (because that is what it sounds like - emotional abuse), and neither do you. It sounds like you were handling the situation with her food tonight very sensibly, and he was simply vile.

Kittykat93 · 04/07/2018 21:30

You feel like you need permission to cuddle your child? Fuck that shit, sorry but he's an arse.

byanyothernamerose · 04/07/2018 21:30

How is your relationship with him generally? He seems very very controlling..are you happy?

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 04/07/2018 21:32

Jesus. A 2 year old? What a nasty bastard.

MynameisJune · 04/07/2018 21:33

My DD is 2.5, if my husband tried any of this with our her he would br out of this house before he even knew what was happening. And there is no way he would be seeing her unsupervised either.

He is abusing and bullying your 2 year old and you are enabling him. That is all you need to know. Protect your daughter because when she grows up she will know one of two things. Either her Mum made sure she was loved, safe and secure even if that’s away from her Dad. Or her mum stood back and let her Dad emotionally abuse and bully her.

Which one it is, is completely down to you.

Pengggwn · 04/07/2018 21:34

If my DH moved me away from my DD we would have a serious, serious problem in our hands. How dare he!

RafikiIsTheBest · 04/07/2018 21:35

I'd document everything you can. I'm not sure about recording it, but maybe invest in a nanny cam type thing and use it. Otherwise just write it all down and keep it somewhere safe.

I'm worried that his behaviour is going to escalate, and even if it doesn't it is going to have a serious long term effect on your DD (and you!). You need to leave but you also need supervised contact, no way can you leave your poor vulnerable DD alone with this man, hence the evidence that he is abusive.

TBH I don't get the "she's only 2", "she's a baby" stuff. There is no need to ever speak to anyone like that!

LuckyTwiglet · 04/07/2018 21:36

Protect your child. Break the cycle. Don't teach her that this is normal by letting it continue. Don't fight, try to explain, cajole, tread on eggshells, plead. Just get your daughter away from him.

eggncress · 04/07/2018 21:36

How can you trust him with your dd if you are not present ?
Huge alarm bells ringing.

You need to nip this in the bud. It may mean leaving him for your dd sake and for yours.

Meanwhile be glad he’s sleeping on the sofa.
He sounds like a controlling bully.

TheVanguardSix · 04/07/2018 21:37

I feel worried for your DD. He's an angry bully and he resents her.
This is far enough, OTT, but he could go further.
My first husband was like this. I left when DS was 6 months old.
This isn't something that will get better on its own. You have to seriously consider your DD's welfare, OP.

Original poster
Alwaysinthewrong86 · 04/07/2018 21:37

In all honesty, I'm happy sometimes but not all the time.

He is generally quite controlling. And the wanting the perfect family comment is spot on. It feels like he wants a subordinate wife who just does what he says, does everything round the house and let's him get on with life, which would be fine if I didn't work full time as well! He expected Dd to sleep through from 6 weeks because one of our friends children did, and because she only started sleeping through when we moved her into a bed at 22 months, that was my fault.

I don't know why he is so emotionless. But he has always been like it but having Dd has proved how little empathy etc he has.

OP posts:
Mammyofasuperbaby · 04/07/2018 21:38

Please protect your daughter from this man. My father is exactly the same and has been every day of my life. At 24 years old I cry when someone raises Thier voice, I still act as though I'm to be seen not heard and struggle with mental health issues because of him. Your daughter needs to feel safe, loved and wanted by everyone in her home, if her father can't provide that then all I'll say is have my very first LTB.
No Dad would emotionally abuse and control his partner and child Sad, only a pathetic excuse of a man would

HumphreyCobblers · 04/07/2018 21:38

This was hard to read, how grim to treat his daughter like that. What on earth did his family think seeing him be so mean to a two year old? Or is that the normal dynamic with little ones in that house? Sad

JennieLee · 04/07/2018 21:41

I think it's not really a question of whether you are happy sometimes in this relationship.

It is a question of whether you can bring up a happy healthy child while staying in this relationship.

How do you weigh up whatever responsibility you feel towards your partner against your duty towards giving your daughter a secure loving upbringing?

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/07/2018 21:41

Does he think she is ten? Eighteen?
She. Is. Two.
Her stomach is as big as her fist
When it is full, it is full.
The guy needs a reality check.
Step threat for first haircut...jeesh. Mine beefed bribery via chocolate.

autumn57565 · 04/07/2018 21:42

Everything else aside, it's very unhealthy to make children think they have to clear their plates even if they aren't hungry. It's unhealthy.

MynameisJune · 04/07/2018 21:42

The more I think about your daughter Op the more heartbroken I am for her.

I do feel for you living with him, but that’s your choice. It isn’t hers and she derseves damn sight better than this poor excuse of a father.

TheVanguardSix · 04/07/2018 21:43

I really like what rafikills wrote.
And yes, document everything. I haven't been in family court for years (DS is now 16) but in my time, God did they loooove making sure contact remained firmly in place with parents who really didn't deserve to see their kids.
Get your hard proof. It matters!
Supervised contact in a contact centre for 12 months. Nothing less. Not until this bastard learns what a privilege it is to be a father.