Dh being overly harsh

[Alwaysinthewrong86]

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

So what are you going to do @Alwaysinthewrong86?

I have not read all the comments, just your opening post, all your comments to date and some of the others.

He sounds rude, controlling and incredibly ignorant of children, eating and hot weather. She is a tiny child who has already had three meals and cake and milk, why would she want to eat more.

'Dh got annoyed' just a bit pathetic to get annoyed because a small child can't consume to his command.

'...started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc.'

I'm afraid this is going to give her an eating disorder. She will potentially grow up with the idea she must clear her plate and eat on command.

'He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing.' She's not a mommy's girl, her father is pretty horrible and I guess she senses it.

'Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.' He sounds very brutish, sorry but no one would move me away from my distressed child just to prove a point with his family.

Basically your child will grow to dislike him, and I think you will too. Or worse she will think this is normal. It is not.

I could not stay with a man who can treat a child like this.

Good luck OP, great advice by others here.

The problem with leaving is that he would likely have unsupervised access to your daughter for days at a time and you won’t be there to intervene.

I don’t know what I would do in your situation. He needs to learn he can’t behave this way, whether you separate or not.

My daughter is two and would not understand the punishment for not eating her dinner. If my daughter doesn’t want to eat, she doesn’t eat. She will still eat her dinner just fine the next day. I had food issues growing up and I do not want my child to have any negative associations with meal times. Your DH is an arsehole.

OP you have to stand up to your husband, tell him his behaviour is not acceptable. Please don’t let him bully you and your dear little daughter. Be strong for her 💐

This makes me stomach turn. It's reminiscent of my own father, I'm now 22 with nc since we were 15 and only just got out of counselling even though my parents separated when I was 6. Get the hell out, get your precious daughter out. He's not adding anything positive to her life, and if he can't deal with a 2 year old I bloody dread what he'll be like when she's talking her mind and becoming more of an independent child and I dread even more his impact on her when it happens. Please please. He either needs serious help and a wake up call if you're insisting on staying. But I wouldn't.

You not being 'soft' with her, you're being a normal loving parent.
He is bullying towards you both - no wonder she's a mummy's girl- she's probably scared and confused by him.
You made the correct decision to "undermine him" as his clumsy attempt at "parenting" had failed.
He was the one who made himself look an idiot to his family by storming out, and he's scapegoating you.

I think you should leave him. He will role model very poor behaviour

Oh get rid of him for your dd's sake, if not your own. This will only get worse and you will be bullied into doing his Will and Whim, and there won't be enough of you left to make a judgement that he's wrong.

Save yourself a lot of heartbreak and fear, and save dd from being ground down before she's even started school.

Fuck sake. What an unutterable prick.

My dh has made me feel uncomfortable a few times with our daughter - being too harsh, seeking to 'follow through' with instructions and make her obey come hell or high water - this when she was a year old she's 2 now like yours. She's our first child but i KNEW he was being too I'm flexible and it wasn't right. Nothing was as bad as what your husband as done but it still was too harsh. Ditto telling me she's too old to breastfeed (at 1). We've had a number of rows about that since but I'm not budging and he hasn't brought it up for a while.

The thing that convinced me was me telling my mum about his breastfeeding comments and how I felt she still needed it and her saying 'do what you know is right for your children. It doesn't matter about appeasing your husband, keeping the peace in your relationship, compromising because that's fair'.

She basically said that she feels guilt still (I'm 30) for going along with what my dad, and her mum thought was right in the way she brought us up - and that the guilt is crippling because they'll never be babies again, and you can't undo it. So there IS no compromise on your child's welfare - it will never be worth it.

I think about that often now, it's always in my mind. I want my daughter to KNOW that she is loved and safe and heard by me, always. And my dh is not horrible to her, hasn't even been overly harsh since I spoke to him about it. My gran and dad were lovely too - but they had it wrong. You do what you KNOW is right for your daughter, no matter what shit it stirs up with anyone else. You have to. It's all that matters.

He is jealous of a 2 year old.

He is competing with a 2 year old.
He is emotionally abusive to a 2 year old.

Please, somehow, try to find the strength to get out.

It's hard to tell whether he's just a nasty wanker or whether he simply has no idea what looking after a young child involves and has very unrealistic expectations about normal behaviour and what family life actaully involves. It's not a fucking picture perfect thing, it is bloody hard!

OP, so far, I've not heard about one redeeming feature he has. The situation sounds horrible and I agree that this is abuse.
I think he needs to know that he either shapes up as a parent or it's over.

He's a nasty wanker, no difficulty.

When he started to undermine your parenting, not the other way round he showed his true colours.
I bet his family visitors think he's a right abusive wanker.
Your poor child, please leave him before it's too late, you both deserve better.

He is abusive. He may disagree with you but he doesn't have a right to punish you by withdrawing for long periods when you have a difference of opinion. Nor does he have the right to dictate his choices to the rest of the family. How horrible for you OP.

A person who is controlling, aggressive and has no empathy for their child, is a danger to that child.

You have to decide if you are willing to protect her. You have already allowed him to do harm to her. How far will you allow him to go?

If you can't, then you are going to have a Daughter, with no self esteem/worth and no confidence. Her Mental Health doesn't stand a chance and you are colluding in that.

Please leave NOW op, take your baby and RUN!!! Your h is abusive, cruel, controlling and sinister, he sounds like a narcissistic sociopath!
He is jealous of your baby girl and is abusive to both of you! Your baby is tiny, terrified, traumatised and the only advocate, the only protector she has is you!

I tell you now that nobody and I mean nobody should EVER put themselves between you and your baby! Your baby was terrified and needed you! Please listen to what she is telling you! Before he snaps and does something that cannot be undone! You and your baby are at risk! This bully could kill you both, he is a Monster!!

Please contact Woman’s Aid for advice! I likely will get flamed for this, but in your situation, I would ask woman’s aid for help to get me as far as possible away from your h. This man should not have ANY unsupervised access to your baby, if you don’t have the evidence to make that happen, then ask woman’s aid to help move you to the other side of the country. Your baby is not safe without you with her! I would change both of your names if possible and close all social media profiles too.

Leave or wipe your phone/ change your SIM card. Collect together your marriage and birth certificates, financial information, bank statements, passports and any sentimental items and essentials of your baby girls. If you can go to a refuge, if you have family in a different city then ask if they would take you in.

Perhaps this seems extreme but this post chilled me to the bone. I had a friend growing up with a nasty, abusive father, her little brother didn’t survive childhood because of his temper. So perhaps my experience has left me extra cautious. Your description of your dh reminds me of my df’s f. I am not one to just say ltb, in fact this may be my first ltb, I am truly chilled to the bone reading your posts, my instinct is to take you and your baby and take you as far away from your h as possible! I was just a little girl when my friends brother passed , I often wonder if he could have been saved if he had an adult there fighting to protect him.

I'm not sure the OP cares realises how damaging this is tbh. If you love your DD then it is your job to protect her. She is a baby FFS!

Please leave this abusive controlling man and give your child a chance to grow up unaffected by him.
This evening my husband and I were out for a meal in a local pub, when a couple about in their thirties came in with a little girl of about 18 months. They sat her in a high chair and gave her some food. I commented to my husband that she was a lovely little girl. Then her father started telling her to eat, in a very strident voice, and she started to cry. He picked her up and carried her away from the table, telling her loudly "NO! Stop that now! " She stopped, and looked terrified. He put her back in her chair, and she started to eat again. Her mother started to praise her for being a good girl and he said "Don't talk to her like that. You doing that with that namby pamby voice is what has turned her into the spoilt fucking bitch she is." He sounded so angry and aggressive and the little girl seemed terrified and started to cry again. He spent the next half hour berating the mother and speaking very angrily to the child. Eventually he said "Come on, we're going" and got up and walked out, leaving the mother to unstrap the child, and pick up their things. It was then I realised she was pregnant as well. It was so bad that had that woman gone to the ladies, I would have followed her to see if she was OK, and probably tell her to leave him. When I saw the headline of your post, I thought you might be her.

Maybe he needs to be taught about a few things, but his attitude about being wrong and stropping about it is not good, I feel if this carries on it wont be good for your daughter ,

it seems common sense that trying to force a 2 year old to eat wont work no point getting angry or making them cry ect did he know she had eaten 3 meals plus milk already ? Does he worry about her not gaining weight or being small? Maybe he was brought up to be eating all your dinner and not allowed to get down from the table till finished

Maybe he wants to be making the decisions as well and by telling you to get rid of the dummy is because he thought you would just say no an then thats it, your the mum its up to you an maybe he doesnt like that,, I think you have to talk to him an try to sort it out , Plenty of people saying its abusive ect , I dont know what they would say if it was a mum doing the same things , everyone has different ideas about how to bring up their kids so I dont like to say hes abusive ect not really knowing the full picture except for 2 instances but I would think he isnt an easy person to live with and you must talk to him and come to common ground on what to do about meal times ect its ashame Iv sometimes done the wrong thing too with my son an I have felt embarrassed about it an angry after as I didnt like that Id gotten it wrong and it made me defensive being told i was wrong, but no point denying it need to be grown up an admit where you got it wrong or just didnt know

I don't want to be harsh but I think he's a total cunt and you could damage you dd change her future for the worse by staying with him.

He's a mean piece of shit and I would leave him.

Akin to an abuser. To you and dd!

Never make food- or anything - a battleground. Telling children to clear their plate is a recipe for disordered eating and obesity. Your poor DD, please protect her!

Oh sorry, he's also a top-drawer abusive arsehole and you need to leave him. I would leave immediately if I wasn't allowed to cuddle my babies (who are 5 and 2!!)

Apart from anything else, I can’t get my head around him causing a scene like that at someone else’s house, seeing visiting relatives. Bet they all had a great time, with your poor Dd sobbing and being threatened at the table.

He sounds bullying and controlling and has no idea about children.

Did he know she had had all that food / milk?

He knew she had eaten everything at nursery as she is generally a very good eater there and was still finishing off the cake when he picked her up. His parents looked embarrassed, his mum tried to tell him that he was being a bit harsh and he snapped at her to stay out of it as well.

I have been having counselling for the last few months because of issues dh thinks I have - too attached to Dd, I haven't wanted to leave her overnight to spend a night away with him (we have limited support anyway as both grandparents are either elderly or not in the best health)

He's other moan is that if it looks like Dd is going to hurt herself or something I will react even if he Is sitting there. Tonight she went to run out of the grandparents locked back gate - I didn't know it was locked so I went to run after her. He moaned that she won't go anywhere but she's quick and the gate backs onto a road. A few weeks ago we walking home from an event near a main road, Dd let go of our hands and started to run to the road, we both went to grab her and Dh shouted at me in front of friends that he had it under control and I shouldn't have tried to get her.