Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh being overly harsh

193 replies

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 04/07/2018 20:59

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 04/07/2018 22:25

He is utterly horrible and will destroy you and your DD if you stay living with him.

However (my sister spent 20 years in an abusive marriage) I know it is not as easy as LTB. But posting here can be your first step. You've talked to other people about him. They've backed up your instinctive reading of the situation - that he is abusive and controlling. You will gradually find the strength and put together the practical measures to leave.

In the mean time, give your DD all the cuddles and comfort and support she wants and needs. (She's 2 for heaven's sake, of course she needs cuddles and comfort.)

Do not be put off by the poster who suggested you'd be better placed to control the situation if you stayed together - you can't control him. What you can do is give your daughter a stress free, affectionate, love-filled environment most of the time, even if he gets custody every other weekend, and trust me, that is way better than a walking-on-eggshells environment all of the time.

Flowers
Squidgee · 04/07/2018 22:26

The only person that was embarrassing him was himself with his shithouse behaviour.

My ExH was like this, everything his way, giving out his orders, undermining ME and then turning it around when I had to step back in to deal with the mess he'd created by telling me I was undermining him.

Get rid of him, now. Please, please don't waste yours and your DD's life on that arsehole.

pacempercutiens · 04/07/2018 22:29

Protect/stand up for your daughter - she can't do it herself. He sounds abusive and it will affect your DD. Stop the behaviour now!

Rosielily · 04/07/2018 22:31

We recently took dad's dummies and bottles away because he decided it was time. I had no issue with her still having either of these. She had a dummy to sleep with only and water in a bottle before bed, but these had to go because he didn't like them. When I said I wanted to wait until she was a few months older and understood a bit more he had a 3 day strop about it

Really? Which parenting manual is he subscribing to?

ineedwine99 · 04/07/2018 22:32

Your poor baby Angry he’s an awful person, i hope you can leave. Give your daughter plenty of hugs

SandAndSea · 04/07/2018 22:33

Your poor daughter.

He sounds truly awful. Please protect her from him.

Ski40 · 04/07/2018 22:37

How horrible,I'm sorry...It looks like you are a level headed parent who is managing your man child's strops with such grace. Your child is lucky to have you.
I agree with the others about him, but obviously it's easy for us to say.

It sounds to me as if he is also jealous of her. DH was like this for the first few months of my first baby's life, and he ended up admitting he was jealous of sharing my attention with her.
I hope you find a way to be happy 💐

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/07/2018 22:38

Horrible, selfish, bullying man. Neither of you need him in your lives.

Gottokondo · 04/07/2018 22:41

Why as a mother are you ok with him being so emotionally abusive to your young daughter? My heart breaks fpr your little girl. You should protect her from his bullying ways. He will crush her self esteem one day if you let this go on. Please seek help.

feelingfree17 · 04/07/2018 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyGibney · 04/07/2018 22:44

My first and only thought was "what a cunt!"

I'd have shown him up alright, I'd have given him a good dressing down for trying to force feed my full toddler, berating her and withholding affection.

Myheartbelongsto · 04/07/2018 22:46

What a cunt!

He is a bully op. He is getting to you through your daughter. I think he has you where he wants you.

Do you have people you can talk to in real life?

NotClear · 04/07/2018 22:47

You need to protect your daughter.

If you don't, nobody else will. You have to.

You can't kowtow to his demands like this. You will never please a man like this, so don't bother trying.

Continue being the nice person that you are, but not being controlled like that. And certainly not when it stops you comforting your child. You should have free reign to do that as long and as often as you, the mother, see fit.

You need to find ways to get a backbone and be more assertive. Increase your confidence and protect the unprotected.

BewareOfDragons · 04/07/2018 22:47

Your update is very worrying.

You are not married to an abusive man.

StaplesCorner · 04/07/2018 22:48

You sound a bit detached OP - surely you are not considering letting this drag on? What's your housing situation and do you have family or friends to support you in RL?

And BTW what did his family say when he behaved like that?

Chocolate50 · 04/07/2018 22:49

Does he know that making her eat when she isn't hungry could lead to her having issues with food? Its not on because it creates anxiety for your DD and quite honestly your DH sounds like he's immature and jealous of your relationship with DD.
Yes let him sleep in the spare room.

rubyroot · 04/07/2018 22:51

Sounds like he is jealous of your bond

But, also sounds like you are babying her a bit- dummies and bottles at two?!

StaplesCorner · 04/07/2018 22:59

Both my girls had bottles and dummies at two. The man is an arse.

SandyY2K · 04/07/2018 23:01

Way too controlling and your DD could end up becoming nervous because of this as she grows up.

You need to ignore his strops. Disengage when he does it and walk away.

Do what you feel is right...continue to demonstrate your love through actions with her.

sprinklesandsauce · 04/07/2018 23:01

OP, he is a bully. You can’t force a child to eat if not hungry, or to clear their plate. My bully dad used to do this to me, and force me to eat things I didn’t like, and it’s left me with lifelong issues over food.

I presume his parents brought him up the way he’s trying to treat your DD. He was embarrassed because she wouldn’t “behave” and eat the food.

He won’t change OP. My mum should have left my dad when we were kids, oh how I wish she had.

You have a lifetime ahead of you of you and DD being shouted at for not behaving as he thinks you should. Do something about while you can. HIS behaviour is not acceptable.

I agree with other posters, though that if you split up then he could have access where you wouldn’t be present, which would be hard for you and for DC.

He needs to see that his attitude is wrong and get counselling, but that seems unlikely.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 04/07/2018 23:03

The fact you're going against your own parenting instincts and giving in to his demands and strops is very worrying Sad

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas · 04/07/2018 23:07

Rise up OP!

I was like you at a young age. Now the menopausal me will not let anyone cross me if I am sure i am fighting for what's right, If I feel sure I'm right I am a force! Please stand up for your dd!

Your dd now needs a force behind her! I am sad for her but feel sure you will see that you need to fight her corner now.

It's sad for your dh that he needs to bully but he is the adult now and a small child needs protection. You CAN be the force that will not allow this to happen to her, you are her mother!

My mother was amazing and would never let my dad bully me, even when he tried!! Please be like my mum was for me! x

Singlenotsingle · 04/07/2018 23:10

He's jealous of her isn't he? He doesn't want you giving her any attention. You can't carry on like this - the DC is only 2 ffs; you could have many more years of it if you let him get away with it.

Tartsamazeballs · 04/07/2018 23:15

Ruby what are you on about? All the kids I know have dummies and bottles at 2.

OP, your post has just made me go and give my 2 year old a kiss and a cuddle. This isnt a healthy environment for your baby, from your posts it sounds like you're a good mum so I suspect you already know this. Do right by her, please.

Ceebs85 · 04/07/2018 23:16

You cannot underestimate the damage withholding affection can have on a child. He's a bully. You deserve better but she needs better and it's your job to protect her.

You can overcompensate when he's not there or do things like pick her up anyway but she will pick up on everything