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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh being overly harsh

193 replies

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 04/07/2018 20:59

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

OP posts:

Grandmaswagsbag · 05/07/2018 17:01

Agree with everyone else. He sounds like he is jealous of his own daughter. That is so far from normal or reasonable. Get out whilst she’s young before he does some real emotional damage.

Technonan · 05/07/2018 19:02

Leave him. I've seen this kind of thing before. It will move into even worse abusive behaviour - and make no mistakes, he is being abusive now.

AnyFucker · 05/07/2018 19:45

Where has op gone ?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/07/2018 20:05

He's done a number in you. Grim, abusive male.... He has to bully and belittle you. You've had to conform to this role, otherwise you would have left.

If you went to social services with a history of DV (emotional abuse) - I suspect your child would be assessed as a child at risk (of abuse).

Please leave him for both your sakes

Any current social workers care to comment?

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 05/07/2018 20:37

I will never forgive my mother for not leaving and giving me a safe space at least half of the time.

In the nicest possible way barb (and i'm not against the OP leaving her DH if she can ensured supervised access thereafter), maybe your DM didn't want to wave you off there on your own every other weekend? Just a thought.

MrsMrsMrsMrs · 05/07/2018 21:02

Bless you OP. If you were my friend I’d be driving over to come over and get you.

Age 2!!! She’s so little. I’m frightened for her. I’d be worried what he’s like when you’re not there. Plus in a grown up relationship you talk about things (like dummies, sleep etc) and then try and agree before moving forward. He doesn’t just get to state the rules and you follow. The next thing will be him choosing childcare, school etc without your opinion.

However the MAIN issue is whether or not you are prepared to have your 2 year old frightened by her own father.

I’m also giving out my first LTB.

Thinking of you OP xxxx

Whatdoido2018 · 05/07/2018 22:12

If I knew your name or where you lived, I'd be calling Social Services OP....

And for the record, they'd likely be giving you an ultimatum - Leave him or we're taking her!

Sorry to be harsh but it's true?

Lethaldrizzle · 05/07/2018 22:17

Whatdoido- way to add to the stress and the attacks op is already feeling!

Whatdoido2018 · 05/07/2018 22:17

I'm not going to sleep well tonight, worrying about this poor little child's safety

Whatdoido2018 · 05/07/2018 22:18

@Lethaldrizzle It's called being cruel to be kind! The OP doesn't appear to realise the seriousness of this! I've been there! And someone saying that to me, would make me realise!!!!!!

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 05/07/2018 22:21

He’s a cunt. LTB. So sorry OP.

Lethaldrizzle · 05/07/2018 22:23

Ok carry on with the nurturing posts then

SequinsOnEverything · 05/07/2018 22:27

Leave him. You obviously love and respect your dd and he doesn't seem to respect her or care for her feelings much at all. You can't let her grow up that way.

WhiteWalkerWife · 05/07/2018 22:28

Your daughter is not safe around this man. He doesn't care about taking responsibility or protecting her. Your counselling should flip to leaving him, seeing his toxicity.

IamalsoSpartacus · 05/07/2018 22:58

OP, please read all the posts here, even the blunt ones. Some of us have been in emotionally abusive relationships and we recognise the signs in what you are telling us.

You are in counselling because he thinks you need to be? That is very wrong.

My father was a controlling, distant man and I still remember him yelling at me in a nice hotel because I wasn't used to food that mum hadn't made and was really struggling with it. That was nearly 40 years ago. I have little confience and I have an eating disorder.

Please look at some resources around Emotional Abuse. They don't have to hit you to hurt you.

Jux · 06/07/2018 00:27

I think you need to look back at your op, Alwaysinthewrong, and think about what happened.

Your dd had already eaten well and was not particularly hungry. How would you have dealt with that if you had been there alone? Would you have given her a cuddle, maybe tried to persuade her to eat another mouthful? Perhaps you would have said that dd had already had her tea, but some ice cream would be great just this once?

Whatever you would have done, if dh hadn't been there, would I am sure have resulted in a lot less fuss, and in a lot less misery for dd. It may be that imagining in what ways things could be different if he were not there that you will see that both you and dd will ultimately have a stronger, more secure, relationship, than you are likely to if he continues as he is.

I am sure all this is a bit of a blow to you, you aren't the first woman to realise that her controlling spouse/partner is actually controlling, nor that the control he is insisting on is blighting not just her life but that of her child.

What are your thoughts?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 06/07/2018 00:38

Let forth the lioness! Please don’t be bullied or allow your dd to be bullied either. Protect your cub!

NotClear · 06/07/2018 07:17

Op, are you ok?

Hope he hasn't found this thread.

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