Dh being overly harsh

[Alwaysinthewrong86]

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

I love being attached to my 3yo. He's a healthy playful and cuddly little treasure that has just learnt to say I love you and has me wrapped around his little finger. And I'm cherishing it because soon enough these times are gone. He's very independent and would play on his own whenever he fancies, but sometimes he will also ask for cuddles and kisses and stay on my lap watching TV. Young children need lots of cuddles and reassurance that they are safe.

Your DH is behaving abusively towards your DD, i wouldn't trust him with her. My ex was similar, he once raised his fist to his DD's face (3yo) to force her to eat up her plate whilst she was sobbing in tears. Horrible to witness it and be told not to interfere. Of only I had the strength then that I have now. It made me reflect on whether I wanted kids with him and I left shortly afterwards. I worried for that child for a long time, though. You share a child, would you have a second child with him? Probably not.

I'd suggest you discuss all these with the therapist, to get a record of it for when you need it, because you probably will. If you are hopeful about helping him, I wonder if you could do an intervention with his family and make him see it's not normal. For what you say, he's jealous of the attention but I think that's quite dangerous because it brings resentment.

So sorry you and your DD are going through this :( I feel for her, you need to be the one to defend her, she's tiny, defenceless and doesn't know what is normal, only that she wants love.

I can only agree with everyone else, you and DD MUST get away from this man before you both live a miserable, controlled existence. DD needs to be protected and you as her mum must do it. It'll be hard but you have got to get out of this relationship

I've got 3 grandchildren OP and I literally have to prise them away from my DD to have them overnight. She just hates being away from them - because she loves her kids. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I know the comments you've had on this must be hard reading for you - this is your life after all, but I think it's a very positive step that you are questioning his behaviour and you are aware of it.

I hope that you find the strength to do what's right for your DD and yourself. You're never going to live up to his standards, and that's no way to live .

You asked AIBU.

The answer is no. YANBU.

Your title is "DH being overly harsh".

And you're right. He is. To both of you.

The fact you needed to even ask AIBU in the first place shows how much control you've found yourself under, and how he undermines all you think and feel. So much so that you doubt yourself all the time. I've had a bit of that experience myself and it's not a nice place to be in.

But you can save yourself with tiny steps.
Talk honestly to your counsellor (unless it's a DIY friend of your DH and not a qualified counsellor at all).
Find ways to boost your self confidence so you believe in your own judgment. All of which, I might add, is very balanced and normal parenting.
Try to separate his voice from your own, inside your head. When somebody is that controlling you can adopt their viewpoint on everything, seeing the world trough their lenses and not your own. Listen to your own voice, not his. You are right, not him. And I think deep down inside you know it, which is why you asked AIBU.

Remove your child from this situation

Protect your child

The hairdressing examples is horrendous. She was frightened of the haircut ( it’s her first time, she probably thought it might hurt) and his reaction was to shout at her and threaten her? You do not shout at and threaten a frightened 2 year old.

She is a tiny little girl who needs protection and affection

Get her away from him

He's a fucker, luv.

Please, you need to protect yourself and your DD from him. The ongoingness of his horrible attitude will wear you down over time if you don't put a stop to it.

I would start squirelling documents away and book to see a solicitor.

Does this abusive wanker have any good points?

Please protect yourself and your dd.

Just echoing other people's statements, protect yourself and your DD from this abusive man.

Oh OP, your posts have made me so sad for you and your little daughter and even your username tells a story.

Your OH sounds incredibly unreasonable and with zero sense of what life with a toddler is like. Is he under a lot of pressure elsewhere in his life? Stressful job? Clearly no excuse but I have a husband with control freak tendencies if things don’t go his way. Markedly worse if work is horrible - however. He’s noted his behaviour (towards me, never the children) is not right and has taken steps to develop coping mechanisms and build resilience, eg mindfulness. It’s making a massive difference.

Also I have left my older boy (3.5) twice over night, both times with dad. The little one - never. Only last week someone that wasn’t me or dh put them to bed for the first time. So that’s crazy gaslighting talk that you need counselling to be away from your child!!

OP he is destroying your relationship with your daughter - you cannot be too attached to your child at all.

For example my DD last night got a really bad sinus headache she spent the night sleeping curled up next to me. I am now working from home while she plays - she is 9 and normally fine but sometimes children need there mum. In order to help get her brother off to school I called my mum even though I am nearly 40 because I needed her.

If my DH at any point had tried to prevent that he would be out so quickly his feet wouldnt touch the ground

How did a counsellor agree to take you on? Are they properly qualified? Have they questioned whether or not you agree with your DH's assessment?

If he's like this often you need to get your Dd away from this abusive bully

bishop

How can she, though? It doesn't sound severe enough to limit his access. If she leaves the DD will have to cope with him alone, surely?

OP - do you want to leave him?

What has your counsellor said? Show her this thread?

@kitchenrollinrollinrollin the OP has witnesses to her husband's behaviour - friends rather than his family. In her shoes I'd use that to enable supervised access.

he sounds like an absolute knob. your daughter will hate him and I wouldn't blame her.

OP you keep coming back with more examples of his damaging behaviour. What you don't say is how are you going to protect your daughter? This is sickening.

I have been having counselling for the last few months because of issues dh thinks I have - too attached to Dd, I haven't wanted to leave her overnight to a night away with him

How come the counsellor isn't telling you to send him in for counselling instead of you? You're the one who doesn't need it.

Anyway, he's absolutely horrible.

It sounds like it is your DH who needs counselling. He has totally unrealistic expectations of your 2 year old DD.

He's a bully and quite possibly a misogynist. Does he ever shout at men, or is it just you, your DD, your MIL? And it's not just about your DD, from your updates it seems she's almost a tool he can abuse you with. Most of your examples are him over-ruling you or "showing" you how wrong you are.

If you plan to leave him get as much evidence of his bullying as possible - could you get a written statement from the friends he shouted in front of? Any texts/emails to you?

And though it's hard to change how you act, try not to leave the both of you open to his anger. Don't tell him anything about her day that could result in him shouting. Definitely don't tell her if she's been acting up. And try to spend as much time as possible with the two of you away from him - does he tend to accompany you to swimming/playcentres/your family? If not these are things to spend more time doing. And you may have to police what you say if you know that you asking her nicely if she wants to eat anything will lead to him having a tantrum and shouting at her.

Many counsellors will just roll with it, and assume you do have issues. Do you talk to the counsellor about your emotionally abusive husband though? If they haven't been able to add 2 and 2 by now, they are not worth seeing.

I was your daughter once. I will never forgive my mother for not leaving and giving me a safe space at least half of the time. If he is like this now, how is he going to be when she gets older and starts challenging him - especially the teenage years? I ended up in abusive relationships because it was what I was used to.

At least start thinking about options and how you could extract yourself and your daughter

Please OP, listen to what is being said to you here, often by people with similar experience of an abusive partner.

The food thing, the haircut, the gate, the road and stopping you having physical contact have gone from alarms bells to outright danger signs.

I know you don't want to hear it, it's painful but he really does sound like he is very jealous of your DD and I'm sorry to say but it also sounds like he is capable of seriously harming your child, most likely by intentional neglect but maybe even on purpose.

I don't want scare you but he sounds dangerous by your own description.

You seem intelligent and sensible but like you are being gaslighted to hell. I know it can be hard once you are so much under the spell of a man like this but please try to start trusting your own instincts and knowledge over his word. If you have to pay lip service to his unreasonable behaviour to feel safe or keep the peace, keep it to the bare minimum and do so with "fuck you, you stupid arsehole" firmly in your mind.

Please listen to everyone who has posted on this thread. Your H is a bad father and a bad husband. I don't say LTB lightly, but LTB.

This is such horrible behaviour from your DH. For illustration purposes OP when she was little, my DH used to miss our DD dreadfully when he had to work away. He would tie himself in knots trying to get home as fast as possible. Now she's a teenager and they're still very close and he virtually worships the ground she walks on. This is NORMAL. Also it means that she just expects to be well treated by boys and doesn't put up with even 'potentionally' shitty behaviour from them.

Surely you want your DD to grow up feeling adored and with good self esteem?