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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh being overly harsh

193 replies

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 04/07/2018 20:59

Dh and u are not talking as I feel he 2as being overly harsh to our 2 year old, he thinks I undermined him and showed him up in front of his family!

We were round dh's family's tonight for tea as they have relatives visiting from up north. Dh wasn't really eating anything, so the rest of us I clduing Dd were having something to eat, nothing elaborate, a pizza for me and spaghetti hoops for Dd. Dd had been at nursery all day, so had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus some cake as it was one of her peers birthdays and they always have cake. Dinner is usually about 2.5 hours after nursery tea.

Dd was playing up a bit and didn't want to eat her dinner. She had drunk about a 250ml of milk before I had got there tho which is fine as in this heat I think it's better to drink than eat. I was trying to convince Dd to eat but she really wasn't interested so just left her to it.

Dh got annoyed and started having a go at been telling her she wasn't to leave til she had to finished, No cuddles until she cleared her plate, No ice cream if she didn't clear her plate etc. He then moved me away from her (She's a mommy's girl) which then upset her even more and started properly sobbing. Dh made no attempt to calm her down but simply kept moaning at her for not eating.

I stayed out of it until she started of a totally hyperventilating and gave her a quick cuddle to calm her down, and tried to get her to eat some more. At this point dh picked up his keys and walked out of the house and drove home.

Dd and I followed shortly after and he done nothing but shout since. Apparently I undermined him in front of his family, everything has to be done my way, and I should have just left him to it.

Some of it I agree with, but I wasn't going to sit there and watch my child practically make herself sick from crying over dinner! He's now threatening to sleep in the spare room as he's so angry he can't even look at me.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 05/07/2018 06:20

He is a nasty, bullying bastard. Please make plans to leave before he totally destroys your poor dad's confidence and your mental health.

Suresurelah · 05/07/2018 06:21

It’s not you who has issues, it’s him, he’s an arsehole.

Overly attached to your child....what a load of bullocks!

MynameisJune · 05/07/2018 06:27

If you can’t see that his behaviour is damaging to your daughter and you then you’re almost as culpable as he is.

Leave or at least start standing up for yourself and your baby.

strawberrisc · 05/07/2018 06:27

Never make food- or anything - a battleground. Telling children to clear their plate is a recipe for disordered eating and obesity. Your poor DD, please protect her!

^
this

GertrudeCB · 05/07/2018 06:30

You should move this thread to Relationships or at least read some of the information threads on there.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/07/2018 06:33

His comment about not getting enough attention from you now you have a child, albeit he then denied saying it, is significant. It sounds like he really resents your daughter and is punishing her for simply existing. He is childish, nasty and jealous. I’d think seriously about whether you want to continue to raise a child with him. He won’t ever change.

confusedandemployed · 05/07/2018 06:33

You are setting yourself and your DD up for a miserable, miserable life if you stay.

I can just see it in 10 years time: the 2 of you having a laugh and a chat after school, then he comes home and everything changes. DD slopes off to her room immediately and you're sat there with him in an atmosphere you could cut with a knife, all the love and respect gone.

Family holidays will be miserable. Home life will be worse. As you get older you'll get wiser, your love for him will turn to contempt and you'll wonder how the hell you ended up in this situation.

Or you could leave.

Rosielily · 05/07/2018 06:34

I have been having counselling for the last few months because of issues dh thinks I have

Issues HE thinks you have? Again, really? Do you think you have issues? Why on earth did you agree to this?

Is it just in relation to your daughter that he behaves in such a controlling manner? What about finances?

Fairylea · 05/07/2018 06:35

This is dreadful controlling and abusive behaviour towards both you and your dd. You need to get out.

Heatherjayne1972 · 05/07/2018 06:50

At 2 my son wouldnt eat anything at all
Completely pointless getting that angry over it

Sorry op you are married to an idiot

BertieBotts · 05/07/2018 06:53

Ask your counsellor about the way DH speaks to you. I'm sure they'll confirm this isn't normal or healthy. TBH I wouldn't be surprised if the reason you need counselling is actually him.

It's worrying that you can't trust him too.

FWIW it's fairly normal when you have a controlling/emotionally abusive partner to react to that by smothering your child in affection and empathy in order to in some way "make up" for their other parent being so harsh and damaging.

ShackUp · 05/07/2018 06:55

YOU are having counselling for being too attached to DD??????

I feel sick.

OP I have 2 children who are 5 and 2 and they've never spent a night away. IT'S NORMAL.

Please leave. Please.

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/07/2018 06:55

Please discuss this with the therapist in terms of abuse from your partner.
Ask for help going through your options.
Please leave before he damages your daughter any more. These are her formative years and having a parent withhold affection and abuse her is seriously damaging.

ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 05/07/2018 06:57

Op you are putting your child in danger by listening to this pathetic excuse for a man. Having ago because you stopped her runn8ng to a road and because you got up to check the gate was shut? Ffs wake up woman and grow a back bone. He is emotionally controlling you. That is abuse. E is making you question yourself. Pathet8c excuse for a man. Tou daughter is going to end up with some serious issues thats if she doesnt get hurt by his neglect first.

Hillstreamloach · 05/07/2018 07:00

I agree if this is a proper, independent counsellor or therapist and you feel you can trust them, then talk to them about dh behaviour and how it is affecting you. Don't minimise it when you explain things. Tell them just as you've explained it here.

saoirse31 · 05/07/2018 07:08

He sounds awful and I can't see what you get out of staying with him.

Imagine being on your own with dd, imagine the peace, the happiness, the fun... I know its not as straightfwd as that as he would get access, but even still, I'd see a much happier dd if her main home was with someone who loved her.

Re food, I thought the days were gone of the ' eat everything on your plate' nonsense.

How did u get with him op?

Discotits · 05/07/2018 07:11

It doesn’t even sound like he loves her, or sees her as a person in her own right.

I would strongly consider your options to leave this marriage-as for the time he would spend with her if you were separated, well it doesn’t sound like he’d be tripping over himself to have her anyway.
To be honest, even if you didn’t have a child together, your description of his personality and need to be right all the time is very unappealing. It’s not like these sort of men change as they get older.
Good luck.

PositiveVibez · 05/07/2018 07:22

When your dd is older, would you be happy if she married a man like her dad? A man who would bully her and her 2 year old child?

If the answer is NO (which it should be), then why do you think you should be married to him?

Also, if you stay with him, she will probably end up marrying somebody like her awful excuse of a father. Poor child.

NameChange30 · 05/07/2018 07:37

“I have been having counselling for the last few months because of issues dh thinks I have - too attached to Dd, I haven't wanted to leave her overnight to spend a night away with him”

Obviously it’s completely normal to be attached to your child Hmm And it’s also ok not to want to leave them overnight, not everyone is comfortable doing it, at least not while they are still young.

Use the counselling as an opportunity to talk about your husbands behaviour, how he treats you both, and how it makes you feel.

He may have sent you on the basis that there’s something “wrong” with you - there isn’t - but you can turn it around and use it for support in dealing with him.

NotClear · 05/07/2018 07:39

You can't be overly attached to a 2 year old. It's impossible.

Everything you've described is a normal and natural instinct. An good instinct that you should always follow.

How has the counsellor not nipped that one in the bud for you in your first session?

Flisspaps · 05/07/2018 08:02

There is a distinct possibility that this is going to get much worse very quickly if you don't act, however frightening that may seem.

He isn't just a bit controlling. He's abusing you and he is abusing your daughter. He's really fucked you over. You're probably overwhelmed by the responses and feeling like a rabbit in the headlights. I bet once upon a time you were the life and soul of the party, outgoing, knew your own mind.

I'm not sure you'd be ready to do the Freedom Programme right now, but PLEASE consider it (it's online for £12) because it will open your eyes to what he is doing to you and DD. If you can't do that, can you safely buy a copy of Living With The Dominator (it's £7 from Amazon) as that is the book accompanying FP? You'll probably think that Pat has written it just about him.

Contact Women's Aid. They'll talk you through how they can help you.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/07/2018 08:06

“I have been having counselling for the last few months because of issues dh thinks I have - too attached to Dd, I haven't wanted to leave her overnight to spend a night away with him” That is completely normal not to want your child away from you.

Perhaps it's time to change the focus of counselling to how you feel about your h, to help you see this is not a good relationship for either you to be in or for your DD.

longwayoff · 05/07/2018 08:09

What is it with parents who try to bully little kids into eating something that they clearly dont want? Stunningly stupid bullying behaviour. Grrr.

longwayoff · 05/07/2018 08:12

You have been having counselling for issues your home pig thinks you have. What? Those issues aren't yours. Sack counsellor and get your money back. Outrageous.

ProfessorMoody · 05/07/2018 08:14

Every one of your comments on this thread have made my blood run cold.

He is being incredibly abusive. You need to leave. Now. Take your daughter and leave. Please.

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