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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 04/07/2018 15:09

Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

Yes you are.

I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past

Don’t lay the motivation for a man’s behaviour at another woman’s door. If you trust him there’s no issue.

NewYearNewMe18 · 04/07/2018 15:10

You are controlling and irrational.

Would you jump in to bed with any of your exes? Because your either judging by your lax standards OR you are ridiculously insecure

Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either. ah so you are insecure. You'll driving him away.

Mia1415 · 04/07/2018 15:11

I'm sorry but I think you are being utterly ridiculous. I'm still friends with my exes and chat occasionally and most of my friends are the same.

There is nothing in it at all.

Why does he stay in contact? Probably because he is normal. Its quite OK to be friends with an ex. Its not unusual. In the nicest possible way I think you need to think about why it worries you so much.

Phosphorus · 04/07/2018 15:12

You sound ridiculous.

These people are his friends.

Would you be happy for your child to be in a relationship where their partner dictated their friendships?

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 04/07/2018 15:12

YABVU and controlling.

I have slept with many people before DP, many of them are still mates. I'm with him now. Not then. I would dump his arse so fast it would spin if he tried making me cease contact. Thankfully he couldn't care less.

Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:14

My odd phone typo aside, you think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously? I seriously feel he should just ignore anybody who gets in touch but he thinks it would be rude - especially as they never fell out in the first place, it just didn't work out longer term.

OP posts:
BadPolicy · 04/07/2018 15:14

Very irrational and controlling. Either you trust him, or you don't.

Glumglowworm · 04/07/2018 15:15

YABU and yes, controlling

Their contact sounds totally innocent and not at all inappropriate. The fact that it’s public and you’re aware of it is a good thing! If you trust him then it shouldn’t matter if he talks to these women.

AjasLipstick · 04/07/2018 15:15

It's fine for him to engage in conversations with an ex now and then.

I talk to two of my old exes and DH doesn't care!

If someone's prone to cheating, then they will do it no matter how much you try to control them OP.

He's allowed to talk to women!

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 04/07/2018 15:16

If you feel he is keeping in touch with them to have his ego continually stroked then yanbu.
If not, and unless he has a golden cock I am sure the fact he has a gf will keep the fuckers away.

Frosty66612 · 04/07/2018 15:16

My DP is still very close to his ex (and also to her now husband and her family). He has a couple of other ex’s on his social media too.
I occasionally feel a tiny bit insecure but I know that’s just me being irritational as he’s given me zero reason to ever distrust him. I find it nice in a way that none of his relationships have ended badly. It shows he’s a nice guy who doesn’t hurt people

Conkernudge · 04/07/2018 15:16

If you trust him enough to buy a house with him, you should trust him enough not to be inappropriate with any exes.

I’m afraid you do sound quite controlling and irrational.

Think of it this way, if he’s going to cheat, he’ll find a way, regardless of social media friendships etc.

Being controlling and telling him who he can and can’t talk to however, is likely to damage your relationship, even if it’s good!

Trust is so important.

AlphaBravo · 04/07/2018 15:17

Oh get real OP. Stop being a lunatic.

BadPolicy · 04/07/2018 15:17

you think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously?

Yes. I might find it more difficult if they were very close friends, but I would still trust DH.

multivac · 04/07/2018 15:17

I often remind our two sons that their father is good friends with all but one of the women he had relationships before me (and I am with several of them, too); I think that it show the kind of human he is, and that I would like our boys to be, too.

ILoveMyDressingGown · 04/07/2018 15:17

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. No you don't and if he hasn't then you have no reason not to. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? Because it is OK and it more than likely is innocent. I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Why? They've done nothing wrong. Or am I [being] massively controlling and irrational? Yes you are. HTH Smile

pippistrelle · 04/07/2018 15:17

Has he agreed to your stipulations for the past three years or is this new?

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2018 15:19

If you trust him then it shouldn't matter if he sends the odd text to an ex girlfriend

Lizzie48 · 04/07/2018 15:20

Ridiculous, and very controlling. I've got an ex as a Facebook friend. He was my mate long after we broke up and we occasionally exchange New Year and birthday texts. He's finally got married to someone else and I was really pleased for him. I've been married for 15 years and my DH knows that I'm in touch with him. He was annoyed one time, when my ex put 3 kisses on a birthday card to me, but he knows that there's really nothing in it. I haven't seen him in many years now.

So do take a chill pill. You'll drive your boyfriend away.

ILoveMyDressingGown · 04/07/2018 15:21

You think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously? Yes. It's fine. Normal, even. I seriously feel he should just ignore anybody who gets in touch but he thinks it would be rude - especially as they never fell out in the first place, it just didn't work out longer term. I'm with your partner; it would be incredibly rude to ignore someone and cut them out of your life simply because they're an ex and your current partner is an insecure, controlling mess.

ImogenTubbs · 04/07/2018 15:22

My DH is really good mates with his ex girlfriend. In fact, she organised and attended his stag do which I was not part of. I have no issue with this whatsoever. He is also really good mates with my ex-boyfriend so I can't help exchanging the odd conversation with him either!

So yes OP, I think YABU - it really does sound like you don't trust him. Is there other behavior that makes you uneasy? How does he respond when you ask him about these women?

tinykirst · 04/07/2018 15:22

It's hard if you've been hurt in the past. With my ex I used to be so paranoid and insecure and could've easily have written your message. Now with my partner I am with now I have tried to be completely different. Don't get me wrong I have still had my insecure moments! But I know that they are with me. You have to really work on yourself to trust him. Feeling the way that you do is only going to end up hurting you more and really messing with your mental state. If your OH has bought a house with you he clearly sees a future with you! Unless he has done anything to make you not trust him (not just innocently responding to a message) you just need to try and trust that he loves you and won't do anything he shouldn't

GahWhatever · 04/07/2018 15:23

Give it 10 years and anyone you date will have kids already: would you expect them to never contact the mother of their children to maintain contact? You are being unreasonable in your expectations.

Mia1415 · 04/07/2018 15:23

you think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously?

YES!!!!! Of course its OK.

I feel really sorry for him. You need to stop this OP otherwise you will push him away. Its not OK to control his friendships.

FlyingElbows · 04/07/2018 15:24

"I trust him" no, you clearly don't or this would not be an issue. I think it is absolutely ok for people to engage in conversation with someone they've had a previous sexual relationship with. It is ludicrously controlling of you to think your partner should now behave as though women don't exist. If you attempt to do this he will leave you and he'd be absolutely justified in doing so. Maybe think about getting some help for your poor self esteem because that's where your attitude is coming from and it's no way to live your life.

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