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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 04/07/2018 15:43

@Sparkles1992 I suppose there's always one... person who thinks this is normal.

BewareOfDragons · 04/07/2018 15:43

You either trust him or you don't.

He's a grown up. He can talk to who he wants to.

Grow up, OP.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 04/07/2018 15:43

oh dear me, you will likely never have a happy and successful relationship unless you learn to control this irrational jealousy. you sound very insecure, do you seethe if he looks at another woman on the street or on TV?
we are attracted to many people in our lives, some we have relationships with, some we just like as friends, some we fancy like mad and some we sleep with. if we are lucky we come out of these interactions happy, fulfilled, unregretful and stay friends with some of the previously important people in our lives. Once we choose a life long partner we might still find other people attractive but most of us find that this is how it stays, an attraction, and the sole person who we want to share things with is our life partner. trying to ban a partner from speaking to anyone regardless of the sexual history is plain ridiculous, the friendship bit does not cease to exist once you find 'the one' having a range of different friends in our lives is healthy and good for us, if there is trust between you then it should not matter what has gone before, they still share a history and have remained friends,this is a good thing and to me shows that your partner is a good person that has many friends. if you try to control who he interacts with you will push him away. accept it, you may even like some of them and become friends too, it would only be an issue if the women you are so jealous of were deliberately trying to break you up by being devious or nasty in some way but it sounds as if they have just been adult about things and remained friends with their ex instead of being childish about things and looking the other way when they meet. you certainly don't trust him and sound as if you have quite a bit of growing up to do emotionally.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 04/07/2018 15:44

So you trust him, but you don't trust the women because "they've been eager enough in the past". He wasn't eager at all, they dragged him kicking and screaming, did they?

I hope you know how ridiculous that sounds.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/07/2018 15:44

If he's got any sense, he will dump you quickly, and make you the exception to all those ex-partners he's actually friends with. You should probably either look for someone who is as obsessive about monogamy enforcement as you are, or get some help with your irrational, jealous, controlling tendencies. Human beings are not property, and attempting to isolate your partner from everyone else is abusive behaviour.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 15:47

OP, I sort of get where you're coming from. This would annoy me too, however, you can't dictate what another adult does.

What I think you can say, however, is, 'you being friends with people you have a romantic past with bugs me'...and he should be sensitive to that and actively do something to allay you. No good partner would say 'yeah, well. Suck it up. Tough tits'

ReanimatedSGB · 04/07/2018 15:48

Unfortunately, I have known one or two men who think that a whiny, clingy, desperately jealous and insecure partner is 'cute', despite having had various cheerful and NBD sexual relationships in the past. Mercifully, they usually realise that having this type of cuntywife is exhausting, and get rid of her before they lose all their friends.

It's the same with women who are deluded enough to think that a very possessive man is 'romantic' - he doesn't 'love' you if he wants to keep you locked up.

FelicityWillowby · 04/07/2018 15:48

Just wondering...Is your partner fine with you staying in touch with your exes? Regardless of whether you are or not, theoretically?

I understand where you're coming from, and personally I wouldn't be ok with it at all. However I fully acknowledge this is down to my own insecurities, fear of abandonment, etc. I happen to be with someone who feels the same way as I do, but I know this is super out of the ordinary and most people would think we were too much. Horses for courses!

kerryleigh · 04/07/2018 15:49

I certainly don't trust these other women
you don't trust your partner and he'll probably get sick of your complaining

am I being massively controlling and irrational?
yes yes yes

HouseworkIsASin10 · 04/07/2018 15:49

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed.

You don't. There is something niggling at you for a reason.

Ninabean17 · 04/07/2018 15:50

I still speak to one of my exes. He introduced me to my now husband and father of my children. He's a great man, and one me and my dh are happy to have in our lives. You need to relax, it sounds like you don't trust your oh at all.

StaySafe · 04/07/2018 15:52

OP seems to have gone, I don't think she agrees with us on this one.
Amongst my friendship group of old friends from school and uni I think most people had some sort of relationship at sometime with nearly everyone else, and we are all still friends. I went to one wedding where the bride had lived with the best man for several years! Once everyone had settled down there was no rekindling of old flames at all, just common sense really.

TeasndToast · 04/07/2018 15:52

For what it’s worth OP I agree with you. I don’t talk to my exes anymore and neither does he. We have lots of friends of the opposite sex but I just think it’s disrespectful to be chatting to people you’ve shagged in the past once your in a committed relationship. My DH agrees and it works for us. Nothing to do with trust.

I accept we are in the minority though, horses for courses and all that. But seems like you’re OH doesn’t have the same ideas and that’s the problem.

NorthernSpirit · 04/07/2018 15:53

You sound completely insecure and irrational. You’ll push him away if you continue this behaviour.

It’s completely normal for people to have friends of the opposite sex, even if they have been in a relationship with them.

I have a couple of male friends who i’ve dated (and slept with) who i’m now friends with. My OH and I have even been away with one of them. But you know what? It’s no big deal as our (my OH & I) relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. If a man wants to be with you he will.

You need to think about your mind set. Remember you are the prize - act like it.

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 15:53

No good partner would say 'yeah, well. Suck it up. Tough tits

He didn’t? He refused to comply with OP stamping her foot and making ridiculous and childish demands.

Why shouldn’t he have friends who are exes?

whiskeysourpuss · 04/07/2018 15:55

Thanks OP you've just reminded me that I haven't picked up a card for my ex's DD's birthday next week...

Storm4star · 04/07/2018 15:56

I'm actually in two minds on this one. I see what people are saying, but this doesn't sound like one or two ex's that he's had shared history with and have happened to stay friends. It sounds more like a hoard of one night stands and flings. So honestly, this wouldn't sit right with me either. I get what people are saying about OP being controlling but I do kind of understand why she's uncomfortable. But I don't know what the solution is. No she can't demand he remove them all, but equally she will continue to feel uncomfortable about this.

Social media etc is a difficult area. I dated someone with numerous female friends and I was fine with it, until one day he was texting one of them, sitting right next to me so he knew I could see the screen. They start joking around, then it turned sexual, and then I got cross. He couldn't see he'd done anything "wrong" and maybe some on here will feel the same. But I found it hugely disrespectful and felt if he'd say those things in front of me, god knows what he said when I'm wasn't around. I broke up with him shortly after.

Point of that being, that if you've got people on your contacts that you've slept with, I think it is easier for it to slip into flirting or sexual talk. Especially given the context in which OP's partner knows these women. So that's what would make me uncomfortable about it.

bluemascara · 04/07/2018 15:57

Yabu
You sound unhinged

SilverySurfer · 04/07/2018 15:58

I'm shocked he is putting up with your irrational, unreasonable, controlling behaviour - I wouldn't.

ChuChuUa · 04/07/2018 15:59

YABU

Blobbyweeble · 04/07/2018 16:01

You would hate us, both mine and DH’s exes are godparents to our children. Doesn’t see to have damaged our relationship, we’ve been together for 33 years.

EveningHare · 04/07/2018 16:01

I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

this is not a normal reaction - I think you need to maybe get some professional help, like counselling? is there something in your past that might have triggered this?

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 16:01

"SoddingUnicorns" - I meant the 'suck it up' more in a general sense, not to OP's partner specifically.

Of course he can refuse to comply with OP's demands, but that can't be all he does. I'd expect a conversation about it, SOME form of discussion rather than an all out 'no. End of discussion' etc

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 16:01

SoddingUnicorns - bolding fail, sorry!

DonkeyPlease · 04/07/2018 16:05

You sound miserably insecure and U.

There are so many massive red flags in your posts, but this one in particular sent a shiver down my spine:

I'd hate to know how many he racked up

Why would you hate to know that? I can only think it's one of two things -

  1. The more partners a man has had, the less he must think of his current partner
  2. The more partners a man has had, the lower his character.

If you believe #1, please get professional help and think about just not having relationships anymore. You have extreme puritanical views, they are toxic and destructive. You may be better off moving to Saudi Arabia or something. Don't have children unless and until you address this set of beliefs.

If you believe #2, why are you with this poor guy? Leave him and let him find someone who thinks he's a good person.

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