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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 16:36

Does he manage to converse with women at work without jumping thier bones? If so why would it be different on fb?

He didn't when we worked together, which is where a lot of my anxiety comes from, I'm sure. In his current job he ended up going back to a hotel room to continue the party with a load of people (both men and women), after the bar closed following their conference. Eventually got home at 4am steaming drunk, which is another thing I found really test me and our views of what is acceptable - entering a hotel room with another woman.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 04/07/2018 16:37

My ex is currently sat on my sofa. He's going to leave after my dp comes over, they've had a drink and a catch up (this will also involve them ganging up on me over something as always!). Dp is going owe his ex's in a few weeks to do some work for her. Neither of us have any problems with this.

Why? Because we are adults and we have a past. Nearly every ex, fling, ONS I've had im facebook friends with. Why not?

OP you sound really young and immature I'm sorry to say.

DonkeyPlease · 04/07/2018 16:38

So if her behaviour was so batshit and remarkable, I'd expect a partner to think 'whoa, hang on. Why are they so distressed and acting out like this? Let's get to the bottom of it and talk it through, because she's so upset, we need to communicate'...

Yes, this is totally what you should do when your partner is batshit. I mean... it's not like that's how abusers hook you in for good. Hmm

The fact that many women respond like this to batshit men, trying to fix and appease them, doesn't mean that it's a good idea.

OP's partner needs to fucking RUN. People who act batshit need to go and work out how not to be batshit. They should not be leaning on partners to teach them how to be grownups. Jfc

Queenofthestress · 04/07/2018 16:39

Fuck me, give your head a wobble OP!
Talk to him and find a way to deal with how your feeling, because how you're coming across on here isn't ideal and sounds a fair bit controlling.
I'm mates with a fair few of my ex's and so is my current dp. I'm completely secure in our relationship and so is he. It sounds like you aren't so I think you should try work with your dp to get over your insecurity before you loose him.

Snowysky20009 · 04/07/2018 16:40

OP you need to remember thes are his ex's, ONS's etc. But it's you he's chosen to buy a home with and settle down. Doesn't that tell you something?

Willow2017 · 04/07/2018 16:40

All in all, I continually feel like I'm in a battle for him with other women and, despite not straying when we've officially together, he stays in touch for an ego boost and to ensure he could resurrect things if it went tits up with me

It shouldnt be this much hard work.
Do you seriously believe he cant be just friends on fb but are keeping them in reserve? If so you have a big problem
Why are you battling for him?
Why dont you trust him after 3 years? He has been with you why would he need 'back up'?

I think you need to work on your insecurities and discuss this whole thing with him. Otherwise you will push him into a corner and force him to chose between old friends and you and that will not go down well.

Hidillyho · 04/07/2018 16:40

You are controlling. My ex (who I was in a long term relationship with) is also my best friend. I was bridesmaid at his wedding because me and his wife are also great friends. Our kids are really good friends with each other.
Yes, there are reasons he is an ex as we just simply didn’t do well in a relationship doesn’t mean either of us will jump into bed with each other even if we both weren’t married.
It is possible to be friends with people without shagging them

afrikat · 04/07/2018 16:40

I am friends with plenty of exes and people I've either kissed or slept with. If my DH insisted I cut off all contact with them I would find it scarily controlling and find it hard to stay with him. You either need to find a way to let this go and trust him or accept he is not the right person for you, all you are going to do is push him away

FlorencesHunger · 04/07/2018 16:40

Yabu op, he has been and is committed to you. He obviously has a past but that's where it is. It doesn't matter really if these people are on social media aslong as he isn't obsessively liking their stuff or checking them out on a regular basis then it's just a collection of people he's met just like many people have on social media.
The occasional chat not relating to sex or flirting/reminiscing is perfectly acceptable imo.

I imagine you would be jealous of any new woman that come on the scene via social meets or work.

Yabu to expect this of him and if I was him I'd be digging my heels in purely on principle and not deleting anyone as no one should be able to dictate who I'm in contact with and if he did it opens the floodgates to more insecurity and demands.

I'm good friends with one or two of my exes and it's not for an ego trip but just because like each other as people and not as some kind of trophy collection.

brownmouse · 04/07/2018 16:41

I've been round the block and also had lots of people I've slept with at my wedding. Frankly if I had to cut out people I'd slept with, I'd lose most of my friends...

I never looked at them and think phwoar! They are just friends that I've slept with long long ago.

I'm sorry this upsets you and do think that some sort of talking things through with a counsellor or something might really benefit you.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 16:43

DonkeyPlease - I specifically used the word 'remarkable' i.e. out of the blue. If your partner was otherwise pretty calm and rational your whole relationship and then came out with batshit, I think you'd stop to think. If they were batshit every other day, then, yeah, obv, run away.

Willow2017 · 04/07/2018 16:45

He ended up going back to a hotel room to continue the party with a load of people (both men and women), after the bar closed following their conference. Eventually got home at 4am steaming drunk, which is another thing I found really test me and our views of what is acceptable - entering a hotel room with another woman.

Get a grip it wasn't 'another woman' it was a bunch of workmates of both sexes. You are absolutely looking for things to accuse him of!

You dont want him to have any female friends at all really do you?

Snowysky20009 · 04/07/2018 16:49

Get a grip it wasn't 'another woman' it was a bunch of workmates of both sexes. You are absolutely looking for things to accuse him of!

This ^

TalkinPeace · 04/07/2018 16:50

entering a hotel room with another woman

Oh FFS get a grip
I once wandered into the hotel room of a male colleague while we were abroad working
as he was out cold in the doorway so I put him to bed.

DonkeyPlease · 04/07/2018 16:50

If your partner was otherwise pretty calm and rational your whole relationship and then came out with batshit

But OP has described a pattern of behaviour in this thread! She has been batshit from the word go

MorphoLuxury · 04/07/2018 16:51

What's made you really think that it's necessary for him to cut all contacts off?
For my that seems really insecure and childish. There's no need unless he's given you a severe reason to doubt him-which you said he didn't. Your doing yourself more harm than good. Everyone has a past before their current partners, that's human behaviour.
Stop worrying! And also if anything does come up, that's something that should be discussed and gone through with your partner, just you and him and it's nobody else's businessSmile

SweetSummerchild · 04/07/2018 16:53

You don’t trust him. That’s the long and short of it.

Do you feel you are punching above your weight?

The problem lies with you. It’s not going to go away by him cutting off contact with exes. Your paranoia wil just move onto other women who he comes into contact with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 16:59

The sleeping with the bm would piss me off but you’d only been on one date. Had he committed to being with you at that stage?

Going out, getting steaming drunk and coming home late happens sometimes. As for going in a hotel room with a group of men and women, no biggie imo.

Your behaviour is more likely to drive him away than anything else. Have you been hurt in the past?

OldBean2 · 04/07/2018 17:00

Well I can see just one thing happening if you carry on with these irrational demands; you will drive him away, and I am not sure I would blame him.

Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 17:00

Appreciate the feedback. Have some thinking to do it seems.

OP posts:
KokoandAllBall · 04/07/2018 17:03

You're not controlling - MN is always in a mad rush to christen a new bunny boiler. You're with a player and it's making you feel insecure.

Don't put the focus in the wrong place. It's about him and what he might do, not them. He could have supermodels as his best mates and if he was trustworthy it wouldn't be an issue.

Do you feel that he's committed to you? If you don't trust him, move on.

lazyminimoo · 04/07/2018 17:06

If they were friends too it seems ok to me, but if it was just sexual then thats another thing, I wouldnt like it though id get jealous , its not a good thing

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 17:09

@KokoandAllBall controlling what your partner does (or trying to and getting angry when you can’t) is the actual definition of controlling. You can’t change the meaning of a word because you’re not happy with it!

CaptainGT · 04/07/2018 17:11

haha I think you're with my ex.

Not worth it to get jealous. love him for him or let him go and I'll have him back :P

JK obvs probably not.

But still think you're being crazy there are always circumstances.

PositiveVibez · 04/07/2018 17:12

You don't trust him. You feel like you're in a battle for his affection. You are trying to control his friendships. He shagged a few women from the office. He shagged a bridesmaid when he was seeing you. He is a 'lad'. He enjoys the ego boost from exes contacting him. You feel insecure.

How long can you see yourself living like this for, because it doesn't sound like he is going to do what you are demanding.

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