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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 17:18

*haha I think you're with my ex.

Not worth it to get jealous. love him for him or let him go and I'll have him back :P

JK obvs probably not.

But still think you're being crazy there are always circumstances.*

Oh this is going to make me feel WAY more secure that women aren't after him! Smile.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 04/07/2018 17:22

Your updates bring a bit more clarity to the situation.

You're upset he's dated lots of people. You're upset he's slept with lots of people. You're upset he wasn't exclusive with you after your first date and slept with a bridesmaid at a wedding. You're upset he dated other people while he was dating you. Hmm

Get a grip. And please let him go. He's not for you. You sound massively immature in pursuit of a guy who has a history and you are judging him for it while wanting him to be with you instead of all the those 'other girls'. Why????

Find someone whose never dated anyone before ... seems thats all you'll be able to cope with.

JacquesHammer · 04/07/2018 17:22

Oh this is going to make me feel WAY more secure that women aren't after him!

So what if they are? He can say no. He isn’t a passive force in all this? He has autonomy.

Brunsdon1 · 04/07/2018 17:25

Another vote for get a grip

I would also strongly advise some serious thought on what are appropriate boundaries because if we reversed this and you were a man....the yells of abuse would be heard to the rafters (and I'm really really not one to say that usually)

If DP pulled any of this...he would be gone in a heartbeat

Gazelda · 04/07/2018 17:27

You have insecurity and trust issues.
He's been a bit of a 'player' in the past.
His past bed partners sometimes make contact. He (rightly) doesn't see why he should respond in a friendly manner.
Your insecurity levels go through the roof.
I don't think you're well matched long term. Sorry.

Katgurl · 04/07/2018 17:36

I really hate the way everyone is calling you batshit and other horrible names when you're looking for some support.

The reality is you feel jealous and insecure with your partner and that is horrible for you.

I think it's stemming from what transpired in the early days; you're nervous about being taken for a bit of a fool again. You have to remember you can't compare your relationship now to your not-even-a-relationship then. It's natural to feel miffed about the BM but you can't keep punishing him or you over it. You are gonna have to draw a line and move on.

Imposing rules won't help. They won't give you reassurance and you'll keep looking for more and more extreme tests for him to complete.

You simply have to make a decision to trust him entirely or if you genuinely think you can't then cut him loose. Don't feed your jealousy and paranoia by trawling through his social media or whatever. Recognise the behaviours / feelings and cut them off before they get going.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 17:40

Thank you Katgurl, appreciated. And solid advice.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 04/07/2018 17:48

OP, I think one of the challenges of being insecure/jealous in relationships, is that you will tend to unconsciously choose a partner who does the very thing that you fear the most: it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and therefore a feedback loop.

If you can explore why you feel this way, it may not only be that you feel more secure in any relationship you have: you might also choose different partners to be with.

Gilead · 04/07/2018 18:10

I'm friends with all my exes bar the one who abused me for years. Nobody is going to tell me again who I can and can't be friends with.
I do think you need to have a bit of a think, you obviously don't trust him. He though, is part of the problem, not the other women he knows and you need to understand that.
Good luck.

Hadjab · 04/07/2018 18:13

I don’t understand your rationale - you trust him, but not them? Because they would literally have to him up to sleep with them right?

You don’t trust him, no matter how much you think you do.

ShatnersWig · 04/07/2018 18:15

Sorry, but if I was your partner and you pulled that, we'd be over.

tinykirst · 04/07/2018 18:25

I can't believe how many people seem to have amazing friendships with their ex's. I have definitely never known anyone to be good friends with the ex's, especially not their current partner being good friends with them too! Civil, yes. But not good friends.

Social media is an evil thing. People feel as though they can get away with more things because you're not speaking face to face. Would he still be bothered about speaking to them if it wasn't so easy over a Facebook message?

I would get off this thread OP as it is just going to make you feel worse. You know what your relationship is like. You know your partner. And you know how you feel.

Try not to let the insecurities get to you. But at the same time, from personal experience, a woman's gut instinct is never wrong.

I hope you can get past this and things work out for you Thanks

LyndseyKola · 04/07/2018 18:28

I actually don’t think it’s a bad thing for a couple to have boundaries around friendship with exes, as long as the boundaries suit BOTH partners. When they don’t, stuff like this ensues.

I’m really surprised to see everyone almost unanimously agreeing it’s fine and OP is wrong, my experience away from MN is very much in the other direction, opposite sex friends are absolutely fine, but I don’t know many people who’d be totally comfortable with their partners remaining friends with their exes. I don’t believe there’s anything intrinsically wrong with it but it’s odd how MN would have you believe everyone is totally fine with it. That’s just not true in the world away from this site.

Eventually got home at 4am steaming drunk, which is another thing I found really test me and our views of what is acceptable - entering a hotel room with another woman

This is ridiculous though. He was in a hotel room with both genders of workmates! That’s totally normal.

MaisyPops · 04/07/2018 18:38

You sound massively immature in pursuit of a guy who has a history and you are judging him for it while wanting him to be with you instead of all the those 'other girls'. Why????
I agree with this. Harsh, but true.

When we date people, they come with a history. We can't hold their history against them and it's not healthy to fixate on their past.

Either you trust someone or you don't. If you can't be at peace with their past, you need to leave the relationship as it'll be unhealthy for you both

Ryder63 · 04/07/2018 18:39

Social media is an evil thing. People feel as though they can get away with more things because you're not speaking face to face. Would he still be bothered about speaking to them if it wasn't so easy over a Facebook message?

Social media isn't evil, but certainly can be used with cheating intent, as so many posts on Relationships prove. I understand why OP is unhappy with the situation, I doubt she knows these women enough (or at all) to be friends with too, although being 'friends' on FB and the like isn't the same as being friends IRL.

Lizzie48 · 04/07/2018 19:08

It depends on the nature of the friendship. In my case, it's just birthday Happy New Year texts and occasionally liking his posts. We haven't talked in such a long time. My DH knows he's a FB friend. If we were chatting on the phone and meeting up, he wouldn't like it, and that would be understandable.

I think the reason the response has been so strong is because the OP stated that she thought her boyfriend should ignore every text from an ex. I wouldn't like it if my DH told me I couldn't respond to a text wishing me a happy birthday. That's why she sounds controlling.

MaisyPops · 04/07/2018 19:20

I think the reason the response has been so strong is because the OP stated that she thought her boyfriend should ignore every text from an ex. I wouldn't like it if my DH told me I couldn't respond to a text wishing me a happy birthday. That's why she sounds controlling
I agree.
Not wanting DP to be in close contact with a recent ex would probably be met with sympathy and understanding.
Zero contact with any ex ever is controlling.

LadyRussell · 04/07/2018 19:27

Sorry but I can’t stop laughing about the “golden cock” comment Grin

Rachie1973 · 04/07/2018 19:30

Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

Yes. You need to work on your own issues I'm afraid

Sparkles1992 · 04/07/2018 23:06

@ilovesooty no theres definitely not always just the one... difference of opinion I guess, as everyone has different experiences with their ex's Grin nice you can all be friends with yours

Fivelittleduckies · 04/07/2018 23:26

Tbh if he were my boyfriend I’d probably feel a bit insecure too - not because of other women wanting him, but because he seems to be pretty dishonest vague about the timeline of his relationships and doesn’t do much to appease concerns you have.

I think yes its a bit extreme expecting him to never speak to an ex again (and by the sounds of it you’d leave him with hardly anyone to speak to Grin) but honestly your trust issues may be worth thinking further about... is it just your insecurities or is he someone who would be unfaithful given the opportunity...?

AgentJohnson · 05/07/2018 02:02

Ahhh, ‘I trust him, it’s just these random women I don’t trust’, bullshit! You don’t trust him and given his history, I wouldn’t either but why the hell have you hitched your wagon to him?

What was the point of the drip feed and what is this universal right you think you have in this relationship? You’re one of those women who somehow believes that simply being with them should illicit a personality change. This is who he is and if who he is is causing you this level anxiety, then the fix is your responsibility, not his.

MaryShelley1818 · 05/07/2018 04:54

Yes, that is massively controlling and irrational!
I wouldn’t be with someone who told me who I’m allowed to be friends with or who I’m even allowed to speak to, that’s not a relationship.
My ex-H is one of my best friends, he’s even coming to mine and DPs Wedding on the evening!

Barbaro · 05/07/2018 06:31

I am also a bit surprised at how many people are best friends with their exs. But this is mumsnet so most probably have children with them which makes it more understandable.

I don't really get the point in being friends with an ex who you don't have children with. I mean there was a connection there at some point, remaining friends is just a good way to keep them on the back burner incase nothing better turns to, for either side. And let's face it, a lot of people do that.

OP you don't trust him because of how he behaved at the start, but you did choose to continue seeing him. I wouldnt continue seeing someone who easily jumped into bed with someone else while dating me, others would, but those are my standards and are clearly yours too. That's fair enough, but please don't go further in this relationship until you know for sure if you trust him. You don't if you expect him to run off with another girl.

TroysMammy · 05/07/2018 06:35

My exh pops in every so often and we chat and an ex boyfriend is now my plumber (no jokes please). My DP has no problem with it.