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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:

listsandbudgets · 04/07/2018 15:25

Wow.. me and dp both talk to our exs. Whats wrong with that?

Weve made a commitment to each other and of we are both so insecure we camt cope with the other talking to someone they shagged years back then we shouldnt be together

In fact dp gets in quite well with a couple of them and probably talks to them more than I do.

kissthealderman · 04/07/2018 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

multivac · 04/07/2018 15:29

Oh, and before someone accuses me of being a Cool Girlfriend, I am also good friends with my, sole, ex - as is my partner. So he's Cool, too.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/07/2018 15:30

It's so obvious that you don't trust him at all. Do you think that men and women have sex because the woman wants to and the man doesn't? No, it takes two. So you don't trust him not to have sex with someone he's already passed over to choose you.

FluffingtonPost · 04/07/2018 15:31

You’re being controlling.

DP and I are both friends with one of my ex’s and it’s fine. Was a bit awkward at first but we all met through a shared interest and it would be unreasonable to ask us both to give up the shared friendship group that comes with it. We’re all grown ups, and accept that people come with pasts.

You are his partner, not his keeper.

jumblefun2 · 04/07/2018 15:33

my best friend is an ex. he's dying. He's asked me to help take care of him. I will. If any current partner had a problem with that then they could do one. I'll be going to his house and staying with him because he needs me. My heart is broken that the world will be a sadder duller less bright place without him. Anyone - and I mean ANYONE - who told me I couldn't do this for a man who was nothing but good to me and with whom it just didn't work out at that particular time - could fuck away off and then some.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2018 15:33

What Jacques said, first post. Honestly, these men must LOVE having women trying to protect them from other women.

You sound ridiculously controlling OP and you don't own him, as much as you like to think you do. You don't. And a wedding ring won't change that either - you cannot own another person. They stay faithful to you because they choose to do that - or otherwise. Not your call what they do, only what you do as a result.

inthekitchensink · 04/07/2018 15:35

Ha my ex is my daughter’s godfather- he and my husband get on great! You either trust or you don’t.

Fivelittleduckies · 04/07/2018 15:36

You don’t trust him. If you did this post wouldn’t exist.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 04/07/2018 15:36

I'm still in contact with nearly all my exes and I find it a little odd that DP isn't in contact with any of his. He doesn't have an issue with the contact I have, and has met a few of them. I think it's completely normal and wouldn't stay with someone who tried to control who I spoke to/texted/saw.

Shodan · 04/07/2018 15:37

Being this controlling is most likely to have the opposite effect of what you're expecting tbh.

He had the opportunity to be with these women when he was single. But he didn't - he chose you. THAT is what you should focus on, not irrational fears.

Dictating who he may or may not talk to shows clearly to him that you don't trust him. And imo it'll make other people pity you.

Don't be that person.

LongOldMile · 04/07/2018 15:37

One of my exs is one of our best friends and godparent to our son. DH has stayed with one of his exs when he's been in that country because she has a spare room.

You're being ridiculous. If you trust him what's the issue?

JacquesHammer · 04/07/2018 15:38

My odd phone typo aside, you think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously?

Yes. Both of us did. Now ex-H speaks to me regularly, we’re dear friends.

The key word is previously. If you trust him there isn’t an issue.

ilovesooty · 04/07/2018 15:38

I have difficulty getting my head round how ridiculous your expectations are. I'm surprised he hasn't run for the hills by now.

PurpleTrilby · 04/07/2018 15:38

I'm good mates with some of my ex-boyfriends and my partner is friends with them too. One recently visited our town out of the blue and I met up with him on my own for a few drinks after work. I asked my partner if he wanted to join us, but he just wanted to rest after work. He is totally fine with me doing that, he knows the guy well and we all get on very well. We trust each other to the moon and back. I think it's pretty ridiculous (or childish or controlling) to ban any contact with exes, on either side, in real life or on FB. The past is gone, so please try and chill out about it! You might even like them and end up as friends if you got to know them.

Sparkles1992 · 04/07/2018 15:38

I wouldn't like it OP, it's unnecessary and causes problems where there doesn't need to be any. Doesn't matter if it's to do with your insecurities, it's only going to make them worse!

None of my friends would like this either but you will get a lot of people calling you controlling, it's normal !

SoyDora · 04/07/2018 15:39

YABVVU. DH is friends with his ex of 9 years. I am friends with my ex of 8 years. Why should we both never talk to someone we care about again just because we were once in a relationship with them?
You obviously don’t trust him, or you wouldn’t feel like this. Either that or you don’t trust yourself not to have sex with your exes and are judging him by your standards.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/07/2018 15:39

My DP is great friends with many of his exes and I still have contact with a goodly number of mine. I think it’s generally a good sign that someone is mature and a good person - because why would you want to stay in touch with someone who treated you badly? I was a bridesmaid at my ex’s wedding and DP was there too, we were really happy for them.

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 15:40

you think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously?

Yes! Funnily enough I manage to have a friendly conversation with exes without tripping and falling on to their penises. It’s kind of what grown ups do?

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 04/07/2018 15:41

yanbu! i wouldnt be happy either.

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 15:41

Oh and controlling behaviour is a form of domestic abuse OP so I think rather than being absolutely batshit about your DP it’s your own behaviour that needs to change for a healthy relationship, otherwise I hope he gets away from you for his own sake!

TalkinPeace · 04/07/2018 15:41

OP you sound absolutely barking

when DH and I got married we put all of our exes on one table at the reception
it was hysterically funny

are you still friends with any of your exes ?

DailyMailFail101 · 04/07/2018 15:41

Your going to be one of his ‘exes’ too if you carry on..... if you don’t trust him then your better off calling it a day now.

SandyFagina · 04/07/2018 15:43

If he's got any sense he will dump your arse asap.

LongOldMile · 04/07/2018 15:43

Funnily enough I manage to have a friendly conversation with exes without tripping and falling on to their penises.

Ditto.

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