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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 15:20

The bread is probably going to get all squashed anyway.

DastardlyDoris · 13/10/2018 15:21

WTF?

chestylarue52 · 13/10/2018 15:23

I think you knead to get some counselling. It’s the very yeast you can do.

Lougle · 13/10/2018 15:26

Ok, I'm out. You're just bizarre.

Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 13/10/2018 15:35

Not sure how to quote properly, but in response to extending his holiday:

He extended his work trip longer than the work part, so we can go to San Diego for the weekend, rather than fly back Friday, as he would have if I weren’t coming along.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 13/10/2018 15:38

You need to grow up or you will lose him. I’m surprised he hasn’t ended things before now.

Wetdressinggownsleeve · 13/10/2018 15:40

How do people as insecure as you even find fellas and keep them long enough to be booking holidays together. I think blokes must secretly enjoy the psycho Confused

whiskeysourpuss · 13/10/2018 15:44

OP irrespective of whether he is or isn't chatting to ex's, cheating on you, smuggling loaves of hovis for some weirdo with a bread fetish this relationship isn't working for you.

It's making you mentally ill (& is most likely having the same effect on the poor bloke) which isn't fair on either of you.

I'd suggest that you end it, spend some time on your own working through your issues before even thinking about getting into another relationship.

Overyou · 13/10/2018 15:44

Oh I thought he was extending the holiday for his friend. So the argument over the loaf of bread is literally over a loaf of bread Confused

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/10/2018 15:50

Wow! You're kicking off because he's doing a nice thing for someone and taking an item of food they miss??? How self centered are you? Why is it any of your business what he packs in his suitcase?

Oh and it's perfectly acceptable to still be in touch with an ex. Not everyone ends things in bad terms. Grown ups have complex lives and you don't start afresh when you meet someone new.

You sound very hard work.

SlothSlothSloth · 13/10/2018 15:54

OP if this thread is real I think you need to be honest with yourself about your own limitations. Not every woman can feel secure in a relationship with a man who has previously been a bit of a lad, as you put it. I know I couldn’t.

YABU about the bread CLEARLY and YABU about the zero contact with all previous partners. But I think zero contact with one night stands or partners he hasn’t been properly friends with is a fair expectation.

Ultimately though I don’t think someone like you will ever be happy with someone like this man.

MissConductUS · 13/10/2018 16:08

I love these AIBU threads:

OP: Am I being unreasonable by doing X?

100's of MN'ers: Yes, you are being very unreasonable.

OP: No I'm not!

Gazelda · 13/10/2018 16:13

You rowed about him doing something nice for a colleague that would have 0 impact on you? You're saying now that you know how silly this is, but surely you realised that soon as the words came out of your mouth? How did it then escalate into a massive row?

I suspect it was you that suggested you accompany him on his trip and extend it for the weekend. I also suspect he's feeling quite suffocated and that you're trying to control and isolate him.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2018 16:18

By "fiery" you clearly mean a bullying, controlling pain in the arse. If this is who you are, I hope he does break free of you. You are making his life a misery.

myrtleWilson · 13/10/2018 16:34

How did the you accompanying him on the trip come about OP?

MrsTommyBanks · 13/10/2018 18:32

If my son were with someone like you I’d be asking him to rethink the relationship

Yes. So would I.

MrsTommyBanks · 13/10/2018 18:37

saywhatyouwant I mean this very kindly. I would say the same to my adult DDs. You need to leave this relationship and work on yourself.
You are never going to have a healthy happy relationship until you do Flowers

bubbles108 · 14/10/2018 06:09

*Why did it bother you that he wants to take a loaf of Best of Both to a colleague in LA??

Because it would take up too much room in the case. I'm well aware of how silly that is.*

Then stop asking stupid questions on here and start working on you

Jeez

SillySallySingsSongs · 14/10/2018 06:14

If my son were with someone like you I’d be asking him to rethink the relationship

I would too.

hadenough · 14/10/2018 06:16

Yes, you're being ridiculous. I talk to a few of my ex's. To be fair my DH doesn't like it, but these are people I had a connection with at some stage of my life and even though we went separate ways I do still want the best for them.

Speaking with them has no impact on how I view DH.

sawbucks · 14/10/2018 06:29

Keep up the controlling stuff OP and you won't have a boyfriend much longer. Harsh but true. Stop him from talking to people and he'll do it behind your back. Then he'll resent you for having to do that and move on. I can totally see why he's reconsidered the relationship and likely still is considering your argument over bread. FFS 🤦‍♀️

Brownboots · 14/10/2018 06:33

The way you speak about the women he's slept with is disgusting. Superiority complex, much?

You sound hugely unpleasant, controlling, unreasonable and nasty.

LudoFriend · 14/10/2018 06:43

If he's struggling with how things are, and clearly you aren't happy with how you feel, have you thought about relate or some other form of relationship counselling. It isn't just for those on the verge of splitting up, it can help to build trust and teach you ways of communicating better. It might be worth considering as you clearly want to make this work. Good luck to you.

MrsBellamy · 14/10/2018 06:46

One of my best friends is my ex, and I'm one of his best friends. If his GF told him to block all contact with me he'd tell her where to go, I'd do likewise if a future BF tried to tell me I couldn't be in touch with him.

YABVU and very controlling! You have to be able to trust your BF if you can't then there's really no chance of a proper relationship.

TheStoic · 14/10/2018 06:54

Already said the loaf of bread thing seems on the face of it silly, but his guy is fucking up her mental health.

You can’t pin that on him. He hasn’t actually done anything wrong here.

And the ‘loaf of bread’ thing is just stupid. The OP is pulling our leg now.

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