To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

[saywhatyouwant]

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

I used to live in a houseshare with a woman my (now) DH had an ONS with.

They were part of a large friendship group and had their ONS just before I joined the group. She was absolutely hilarious and we became great friends (hence her moving into the houseshare).

It was literally a non-issue. However, HER new BF had a problem with it and convinced her I must secretly hate her to try to get her to move out and away from my DH.

He didn’t last very long. Because he was controlling. Like you.

Carry on this way and you will lose him.

I wouldn’t like this, if he was previously a player then you know he’s lapping up the attention and getting a little something from the positive contact. Part of the reason I would never settle down with a man like that, I would find it difficult to trust him long term. As previous posters have said though, no proof at all he is cheating and hasn’t changed his ways completely but I think I’d feel the same as you op.

My DH still talks to a couple of people who he had relationships with / bedded back in his younger days. It doesn't bother me in the slightest!

They were either friends long before me or just happened to reconnect and discuss how life had been. I trust him 100%

You will drive your partner away with your insecurities and if he was ever the type to do something, no amount of pressuring him to not talk to people will change that. Had he ever given you any reason at all to doubt him other that these platonic conversations?

You are all still concentrating just on the exes...
It's women in general even in groups.

In his current job he ended up going back to a hotel room to continue the party with a load of people (both men and women), after the bar closed following their conference. Eventually got home at 4am steaming drunk, which is another thing I found really test me and our views of what is acceptable - entering a hotel room with another woman.

Face it. OP has issues. Serious ones. This is how the abuse starts. "You can't talk to anyone who could possibly be into you. So any opposite sex." Then it just spreads to friends, because "They don't like me and you ought to be on my side. " and then "Your family plots against me. Can't you see they are jealous of how happy we are? You must drop them."

There are two options for OP.

1. Let the poor lad go nad find someone new to bully
2. Start properly working on yourself so you get over this.

Unless someone has children with their ex or are genuinely good friends then I don't see why anyone needs contact with their ex ! X

@SwimmingKaren why are you assuming they're giving him any attention to lap up?

Perhaps they were short flings because none of them were interested in him for anything more.

Maybe, they're not interested in him at all anymore.

It's all in the OP's head.

one of my exes from many moons ago is now a good friend. We've had no sexual interest in each other since about 2004. If my partner dared tell me I couldn't be in touch with him he'd get the sharp end of my tongue. I'd resent the inference that I'm planning to cheat and just resent the control, really. Don't do this to your partner OP it's deeply weird and unlikely to have a positive effect on your relationship.

Keep going like this and he'll be your ex very soon. I couldn't live with someone who behaves like you, OP.

I'm pretty melodramatic myself but even I think you're being way OTT!!! I wouldn't stand for ANY nonsense (a hint of flirting and I'd be kicking off) but something so entirely innocent as being friends on Facebook or helping with a job search would be totally fine by me. He's right, he's just being polite and a normal, decent human being. You want him to be rude and hurtful and obnoxious to someone just because they may have hooked up years ago? And from what you've said nothing was serious. I'd definitely be fine with it. You need to chill out!

I have all my exes on sm because I never deleted them. If one of them contacted me about a work opportunity, I would try and help. I can't see dp getting pissed about that - same as I wouldn't about him doing that.