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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 16:08

ThunderInMyHeart I’m staggered that you think that tbh. OP is the one being unreasonable, rude and stroppy. She deserves nothing in the way of explanation or discussion given the way she spoke to him!

If DP took that tone or attitude with me, I’d be offended he thought so little of me and he wouldn’t be my DP for long.

OPs issues are just that, hers. She’s the one with the attitude problem, she needs to sort it.

ThereIsIron · 04/07/2018 16:09

You are utterly bonkers and obviously lacking in self esteem - work on that ...

VickieCherry · 04/07/2018 16:10

Wildly unreasonable and quite, quite mad. Some of my exes are nice people, so I'm still in contact with them.

My best mate had her husband's ex-gf as one of her bridesmaids, because they are all adults and friends and they dated a long time ago. It's really no big deal.

Brakebackcyclebot · 04/07/2018 16:11

You are being very controlling. You need to look inside yourself to ask why you have such a problem with this.

PigEyedHorseFrightener · 04/07/2018 16:14

It’s achingly uncool but I agree with you OP.

I certainly don’t expect my husband to stay in contact with exes (other than his DSs mum who is a good friend of mine; I see more of her than he does).

No need to be in touch with exes.

LadyLance · 04/07/2018 16:14

Someone who's not on good terms with any of their exes would be a big red flag for me. I have a couple of exes where things just didn't work out at the time, and a couple of friends where we nearly became more than friends, and again it just didn't work out. If someone wanted to stop me being friends with any of these people, I wouldn't be happy- I'd quite possibly be walking away from the relationship.

Clearly you don't trust him- you need to figure out why.

wonkylegs · 04/07/2018 16:14

I am good friends with several men I have slept with before I met DH and quite a few even came to our wedding.
DH is even friends with some of them now and I am friends with one of his ex's ( we met well after they had got together at a mutual event and we get on well)

I am still very very good friends with my first love and I adore his wife and how happy he is with her and he feels the same about my DH. I have no romantic or sexual thoughts about him - we had a relationship in the past we grew out of it but I still value our friendship. There are relationships I have cut all ties with too but sometimes things don't work out just because, not due to any particular fireworks but they just don't work on that level doesn't mean the friendship or connection that brought us together isn't still valid just that the whole thing didn't work. I have no desire to sleep with any of my ex's even if the occasion arose.

Relationships depend on trust to a certain extent - if he hasn't cheated or had form for cheating and he is being open and not hiding things from you - then it sounds like you have trust issues, you probably need to talk to him and work out what's going on your head.

Original poster

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 16:16

He had the opportunity to be with these women when he was single. But he didn't - he chose you. THAT is what you should focus on, not irrational fears.

This is what he keeps telling me. I know realistically this is true, but if he's not heard from them in years, then clearly they aren't friends, so why respond? To this he will say "there are mates from Uni I haven't spoken to in years either, but if they messaged me I wouldn't just blank them because of some unspoken timeframe rule" which I also appreciate.

More background:
Sorry to be a drip feed bitch, I didn't want to write War and Peace in the OP. We first got together at work, where he'd also been seeing two other women before me, which I had no idea about. One of these was still vaguely on the scene at the start (he says it had ended a long while earlier, but she was still very keen). They were friends who needed up sleeping together, then I came along oblivious, fell for him and it caused a massive issue in the work environment due to her rejection and he ended up leaving the company. As did I not long after due to the bad feeling.

Then later, I found out he went to a wedding and slept with a bridesmaid a few days after our first date, only to return and continue to pursue things with me as if nothing had happened. It's like there has always been other women lurking in the shadows. He even lived with three girls when we first met, who he says he hasn't slept with and they are just mates, but I know they are as promiscuous as he was, so haven't ever felt comfortable with them either.

All in all, I continually feel like I'm in a battle for him with other women and, despite not straying when we've officially together, he stays in touch for an ego boost and to ensure he could resurrect things if it went tits up with me.

OP posts:

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 16:22

SoddingUnicorns I disagree - the OP's issues aren't hers...they're hers and her partner's.

If I had done what the OP did, I know my partner would definitely talk it out with me. And, vice versa, I would too. You're supposed to look after each other, and helping the other get over a problem (hers, theirs, whatever) is the only thing I'd sign up for.

I get that if your DP did that to you, you'd break up with him. That's you; this is me.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 04/07/2018 16:22

It sounds to me like you don't completely trust him and he is keeping his options open for when this relationship ends.
You're not going to fix this issue by putting rules in place, I don't think this has the makings of a long-term partnership. So you could stay together for as long as you are prepared to 'battle' other women, or you could end it and move on.

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 16:25

If I had done what the OP did my DP would have looked at me like I’d gone batshit and actually have been quite offended that I was questioning his commitment to me.

If she’d approached it a different way, explaining that she has issues with paranoia and struggles, I could see the point, but the way she speaks is like she training a puppy and isn’t amused he’s not obedient to her commands. That’s no basis for any kind of relationship, it’s toxic.

placebobebo · 04/07/2018 16:26

You say you trust him, you don't and its going to eat away at the relationship. Your self esteem is through the floor if you assume he's still keeping his options open after buying a house with you and being faithful since you got together. Has he said this to you or are you just assuming this is why he still keeps in touch? If it is the truth why are you with him you can't trust him. If not, then why are you with him you don't trust him.

JacquesHammer · 04/07/2018 16:26

Then later, I found out he went to a wedding and slept with a bridesmaid a few days after our first date, only to return and continue to pursue things with me as if nothing had happened

But you weren’t together? You’d had one date? Are you suggesting you should have been exclusive?

but I know they are as promiscuous as he was, so haven't ever felt comfortable with them either

And the crux of the matter is you judge “promiscuous” women as being the driving force behind all his history.

Ryder63 · 04/07/2018 16:29

As a pp said, it sounds like a horde of flings and one night stands he's keeping contact with, rather than real friends. Your second post saying you feel he's keeping them as an ego boost and on the back burner just in case.....is nearer the mark, IMO.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with this, but I am a self proclaimed needy and insecure person in relationships, so a relationship with a man like this wouldn't be good for me (or him!)

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/07/2018 16:29

So if her behaviour was so batshit and remarkable, I'd expect a partner to think 'whoa, hang on. Why are they so distressed and acting out like this? Let's get to the bottom of it and talk it through, because she's so upset, we need to communicate'...

Back to the thread at hand: OP, your line that you 'battle for him' is really concerning. Someone either makes you feel wanted and secure and, thus, happy, or they don't. Why are you 'battling' for him? It shouldn't be this hard.

fourmileswide · 04/07/2018 16:30

At least he parted on reasonably good terms with them, which shows that he is a decent chap.

If I were you, I'd be far more concerned if he went on about every one of his ex's being a despicable, evil bitch who was mental and treated him really badly, and he hates the lot of them.

Willow2017 · 04/07/2018 16:30

If you dont believe he is capable of converding with another adult who.just hapiens8to be female and he has known a long time then you.have bigger probkens than you think you do.

Does he manage to converse with women at work without jumping thier bones? If so why would it be different on fb?

And stop blaming women that your dh slept with them. Nobody forced him to play 'the stud' did they? Dont suggest its ok for men to sleep around but women who have more than a handful of partners are 'too eager'. Using 'charm' lying is nothing to be proud of. These women he charmed might have actually thought he wanted more than a quick shag you know? Others might have wanted a o.n.s. too but he doesnt seem to have cared either way, he isnt coming out of this smelling of roses tbh.

SoddingUnicorns · 04/07/2018 16:30

Why do you only judge women for being “promiscuous” but not your partner OP?

I hate that word, it implies immorality rather than consenting adults having sex.

Montybabe · 04/07/2018 16:31

I think that you should see the positive side that the relationships ended on good terms and that they want to be friendly. Puts you DP in a good light. Plenty of exes out there that people don’t ever want to see again for whatever reason.

RubyGrace17 · 04/07/2018 16:32

Ah you sound a bit insecure, OP. He isn’t with them for a reason, he’s with you .
I’m still friends with some of my ex boyfriends. My DH doesn’t have an issue with it, in fact, we often socialise with an ex of mine and his partner and their children due to mixing in same circles. My DH works with an ex (they weren’t working together when they were a couple, they met at uni) and I have no reason to worry about that either. As a partner in the firm he was one of the people jnterviewing and she got the job. I didn’t find it concerning. I actually passed a lot of baby things when she was expecting her first DC recently via DH and she was very grateful. She sent a gorgeous bouquet of flowers as a thank you and a lovely card to me.

Beansonapost · 04/07/2018 16:33

Christ on a bike!

Just leave him.

Sort out your insecurities.

Sounds a but pathetic.

Padarn · 04/07/2018 16:35

Sorry but you sound really controlling and insecure.

DonkeyPlease · 04/07/2018 16:35

but I know they are as promiscuous as he was, so haven't ever felt comfortable with them either

^Read that again.
Please get real with yourself.
Do you feel that people who have a lot of sex are basically untrustworthy?
Does this include your DP, or is it just the women he's slept with that are the issue?

My dh is like you. I never cheated on him - not even almost - but I dared, DARED to have had sex with other people before him and as a result, he convinced himself that all sorts of monsters lurked in every corner of our relationship.

I continually feel like I'm in a battle for him with other women

Yep, dh felt exactly the same, genders reversed....

If you'd like a glimpse into the future, I did leave him in the end. I had to. 12 years of my life, that I will never get back, spent trying to convince this person that I loved so much that I was "good". Absolutely fucking soul destroying. I lost so many friends, turned down jobs, it was never enough because he always believed I was basically rotten.

You are a jealous person with absolutely awful, fucked ideas about sexuality. Please, for the love of God, if you must be in a relationship, go and find someone who doesn't offend you so much. Don't inflict that on him, let him go and be with someone who thinks he's a good person (and, ideally, who thinks that women are good people even if they've had sex with him)

DragonMamma · 04/07/2018 16:36

Wowzers. YABVU.

I wouldn’t entertain the idea of not speaking to some of my exes. I was probably ‘promiscuous’ when I was younger and slept with a lot of my close friends - I’d never cut them off because we’d had sex and my DH didn’t like the idea.

You’ll eventually drive him away if you carry on with being plain crazy over this.

sockunicorn · 04/07/2018 16:36

i have 4 "important" exes on my facebook - most of whom i was with for 3years+. I love seeing their weddings and babies and life changes. We say hello occasionally. But I wouldnt sleep with them again...thats why theyre an ex. Youre being controlling and if you push this you will just force him underground with it.

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