AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

[mama2be91]

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

Sounds like you do plenty.
Do you calmly tell him/list everything that you have actually done?

He sounds like an arse, to be honest.

Have you explained to him that once baby arrives, he will need to help out more as you will have an actual little person to look after?

Why are you running around after his DD, why isn't he?

GreenFingers - yes and he dismisses it. He thinks once baby arrives as I'll be on maternity and therefore should do everything. He said he might not even take the 2 weeks paternity (even though I have said to him I would really appreciate the support given that it's my first and of course I'm scared albeit very excited!!).

3x in the last 2weeks he has been late from work or had meetings and asked me to sort her out - we have her 2x overnight a week so the current rate of me running around is 75% of the time we have her! When I calmly explain this to him he calls me selfish for moaning about helping out :( which isn't the case I don't mind but the constant nagging is like living with an overboard parent! I was in bed all day yesterday and he hoovered/mopped the downstairs and then said to me 'I won't be happy if you destroy the house tomorrow!' as though I'm a child I was just baffled to be honest.

And went off on one at me because I said we need a new bath mat and he had a go saying go and buy one then as though it's only my responsibility!!

He is treating you like a skivvy now to prepare you for how he intends things to be when you have a small baby. Tell him to get fucked. You are pregnant, you do enough as it is. If he wants it tidier he can tidy it.

Red flags are appearing here

I would be re-evaluating my relationship with him

He clearly doesn't respect you and I bet you he will not help at all with the baby as "he's been at work all day and all you've done is sat down at home watching TV"

Pull back on what you do for him /his dd. He is treating you like the hired help.
Make plans to go out and leave them to it.

Hey maybe make those plans permanent.

Yes, he's clearly expecting you to do everything when you're on maternity leave. You need to set him straight on that right now. And he needs to understand that you're serious about it. You are not a skivvy. And he needs to look after his DD, not expect you to drop everything. Because you won't be doing that either when baby arrives.

As said above, if he's not happy with the way you clean/tidy he can do it himself! Bloody cheek. Seriously though, it would make me re-evaluate the relationship. Leaving him now would be easier than when baby arrives.

He is treating you like a skivvy now to prepare you for how he intends things to be when you have a small baby. Tell him to get fucked. You are pregnant, you do enough as it is. If he wants it tidier he can tidy it.

Agree completely. You have two choices. dump him or explode so hard at him that he understands that you are not his servant, that maternity leave is for you to look after a newborn (which is a full-time job), and if you help with his dd you expect him to be bloody grateful.

People take you at your own valuation. Don't be a skivvy for this entitled man.

'I won't be happy if you destroy the house tomorrow!'

So when he says this say "I don't give a flying fuck actually"

Well he’s got a brilliant deal hasn’t he? An unpaid housekeeper and nanny for his DD that he also gets to shag. Doesn’t sound like he respects you at all, I’m sorry as you deserve so so much better, especially considering you’re 20 weeks pregnant. You should definitely take some time to revaluate your relationship but whatever you decide to do make sure that it doesn’t involve continuing to do everything for him. If he wants a clean and tidy house he should do it himself. Just like he should be looking after his child.

We've had words over text today as he's texting me snotty messages about the cat being sick (and of course left it for me to clean up...)

When I said I had cleaned it up but don't appreciate snotty messages, and explained how I felt he just said that makes 2 of us. He just so genuinely believes that he isn't BU that it makes me question myself!

If I go out when his DD is here I get moaned at for 'having no respect for her as all she does is ask where I am and when I'll be back' even though he says he needs alone time with her.. can't win.

I just feel very overwhelmed I so so want my baby to have a happy loving childhood but am so scared that this won't happen with him, or that I won't be able to do it alone.

I think, hard as it sounds, he's telling you exactly what you can expect from life with him once the baby arrives. And it's not looking good.

You either need to spend the next 20 weeks engaging him in the process of becoming a decent partner so he can do his fair share once the baby is here, or you need to find yourself a home for you and the baby and get the paperwork ready for CMS.

His view of male and female roles is straight out of the 1950s, and I don't rate your chances of fixing that in such a short timescale. If that attitude extends to finances then, by the time you have the baby, you're going to be stuck with him for some time, because his money will be his and you may struggle financially to get clear on nothing more than your maternity pay. And the relationship board is full of women who have hoped against hope that their DP will wake up and be a decent partner by the time the baby is born, only to see things get worse once the baby is there.

Maybe all he needs is a good kick up the arse to realise that he needs to review his understanding of what constitutes a good partner. Or maybe he's hoping instead he can train you to be a skivvy and get you to accept that it's his way or nothing. But you need to work out which it is before the baby is here.

My observation is that people who moan on about "having respect" are awful fucks.

I agree with pps op. If you don't put your foot down this will only get worse. He should be doing as near to 50/50 as possible right now and when your baby is born he needs to do 50/50 of what needs doing when he's at home.

Leave him and raise your child without him. He’s an idiot.

He has already made it very clear I will be expected to do housework etc. as I am off work and 'a baby isn't a full time job'.

He has also made it clear that he doesn't think that in that time I am contributing to the family as I am not working, and expects me to 'want to contribute by going back to work' ASAP, even though we absolutely don't need the small amount of extra cash me returning would bring in after childcare. Apparently giving our baby a positive start and spending my time raising them, teaching them, cleaning them etc. isn't contributing. It's exhausting.

You have said literally nothing about this man that makes me think you are going to be anything but miserable. Why are you with him?

Oh OP he definitely isn't worth it

No wonder the mother of his child left him.

You should follow her footsteps and do the same thing

Leave the entitled ignorant bastard

In that case, time to find a new home. He's not a prize, he's a prick. You will be happier on your own with DC and not dealing with his negativity every day.

GET OUT NOW!!! This isn't going to get any better and you'll find it harder to leave once the baby arrives.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner.

So you both work full time, that’s equal.

Who genuinely does most of the housework do you think? Being honest? If you can’t work it out or don’t trust yourself to be able to assess, maybe write down together what you’ve both done in the last fortnight re housework.

Because just from a glance at the situation, doing the laundry, hoovering and the pots after dinner is only a small part of the overall picture of what it takes to keep a house running.

For example, who makes the beds and changes bedding? Cleans the bathroom? Mops the kitchen floor? Cleans the kitchen? Cleans the fridge out? Does the ironing? Puts clothes away? Dusts everywhere? Tidied the mess away? Takes the bins out?

If you do do 50/50 with him (until recently when you’ve been sick of course, which would mean either partner should pick up the slack whoever is ill), or to be fair if you realise that both of you do equal, I think the only way forward is a boring housework rota, which will either even out the chores and make him feel it’s more balanced, or prove to him you do pull your weight.

Write down everything that has to be done daily, weekly and monthly (there are lists online if you need a guide) and decide on a rota for who does what when.

i can see your perspective feeling you already do enough, but I know from my own relationship I do lots of things OH claims not to see or notice or that don’t bother him, so even though he’d say it’s pretty even I’d disagree and over time the frustration can grow, and it’s a tense time for you both now as you’re newly cohabiting and if he’s feeling like you’re coasting re the house he might be scared now that you’re stuck together with a baby, just like you’re scared in case he is a knob and you’re stuck with him in one way or another.

So I wouldn’t be so quick to jump to LTB, not with a baby on the way and without seeing how you can work together to resolve this. Nobody can argue with a black and white rota you’ve both agreed to and adhered to. Do you think he’d be up for that? If you suggest it it’ll show willing if he’s convinced you’re not doing much around the house.

So op exactly how do you think he sees it working you doing the housework, looking after your baby, his daughter and contributing financially full time

So exactly what he give you

Run run run

a baby isn't a full time job

What a disrespectful arse. He's actually making me angry now.

OP, you are in for a lifetime of being used as a skivvy if you stay with this man. He's setting you up for it in every way - financial/emotional/domestic.

Please talk to female friends/family about your options. I really would try and move out before baby arrives.

I would bet good money that this man is selfish in lots of other ways, too. It's so rare that men like this limit themselves to one area.

This sounds horrible, OP, but he cares nothing for you. He cares nothing for his own daughter, either. He is utterly selfish and resentful at doing anything that he thinks someone else (ie you) should be doing.

What's he like with money? Does he share money? Will he expect you to put 50% in even when you're on maternity leave?

What's he like in bed? If he comes first, is he bothered about you? Is he only happy if you are worshipping his body?

He has also made it clear that he doesn't think that in that time I am contributing to the family as I am not working, and expects me to 'want to contribute by going back to work' ASAP, even though we absolutely don't need the small amount of extra cash me returning would bring in after childcare.

Why is the cost of childcare being seen as coming out of your salary and not the household joint salary?

If i were in that situation I wouldn’t be thinking ‘oh I won’t go back as most of my salary will be eaten up by childcare’, I’d be totting up what our combined salary would be and subtracting childcare from that!

Why would it be down to you to pay for 100% of the childcare when you’re only 50% of the baby’s parents?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have different ideas about what happens after a baby is born, it’s fine to want a partner who is going to go back to work sooner rather than later if you value a higher household income over supporting a SAHP, that in itself isn’t an issue. The issue is that you disagree.

Haven’t you discussed all of these kinds of issues before getting pregnant? Surely you would talk through stuff like this, who’ll take care of the baby, How you’ll manage your finances, before getting pregnant?

How miserable it must be even meeting this man once much less living with him. It would be so much easier taking care of a baby alone than taking care of him , a baby his dd on your Own like you are now and putting up with him! Tell him you’ve seen him in a new light these last few months and he isn’t a good parent to dd or a good partner to you so you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.

And his positives are?