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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

233 replies

mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 15:56

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

OP posts:
SnartyFartBlast · 02/07/2018 17:24

I really truly fear this is your future

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3260885-Help-me-leave-my-abusive-husband

Troels · 02/07/2018 17:24

So to avoid paying you maintenence he'd move abroad and away from his Dd, or did I read that wrong if so he is a complete prick. He doesn't deserve his Dd or the new baby.

hammeringinmyhead · 02/07/2018 17:26

This is a non-starter. He's not with the mother of his child - funny that. Whatever story he has told you, I bet she'd had enough of this dickhead.

I don't really know what else to say.

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2018 17:28

Im just at a loss. There are so many of these threads and it’s so depressing Sad

Ryder63 · 02/07/2018 17:28

It must be upsetting, OP, to read the shocked posts on here, advising you to leave - but really, what is he FOR in this mess? What joy does he bring you?

LadyLoveYourWhat · 02/07/2018 17:31

He should be paying at least half the childcare - in fact he should be paying 3/4 and you should be paying 1/4 if he earns three times as much as you, because he is gaining much more by being able to earn instead of doing his half of the childcare.

He is telling you who he is, please listen and seriously consider leaving him - he's presumably stayed in the country to pay maintenance for his DD, so would he really work abroad?

Palace2 · 02/07/2018 17:32

Why would you be paying the child care costs? It's his child too, he should be paying as well. Please don't put up with this behaviour, it really isn't normal

Ginkypig · 02/07/2018 17:32

I'm sorry but if this was me I'd be getting out now before the baby is born

There are so many red flags here that you could start a red flag shop!

Abuse is not just hitting or violence.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/07/2018 17:34

My God OP, please listen to what people are telling you. He's already gaslighting you, a massive red flag in itself. You are so vulnerable if you stay with this man. Why did he split with his last partner? Similar situation? He has no respect for you, your baby or your life. I am imploring you to seek legal advice and get the hell out of there before your baby is born. You can do it. I've done it. Flowers

Ryder63 · 02/07/2018 17:34

Im just at a loss. There are so many of these threads and it’s so depressing

I agree. As a young woman in the 70s I thought that by the 21st Century this sort of shit would no longer be happening Sad

Lizzie48 · 02/07/2018 17:34

He is truly awful, OP. He has no respect for you and no interest in his baby, and that's very sad. He should want to spend the 2 weeks paternity leave bonding with his newborn baby.

He won't miraculously change once the baby is here. After all, he's leaving you to look after his DD.

Thesearepearls · 02/07/2018 17:37

I'm not particularly tolerant of people who think that just because they earn more - they get to call the shots.

Earning more doesn't make you more important. It's not a get out of jail free card from doing the washing up.

I'm blessed with a DH who does more than his fair share. And only grumbles once a day.

I think you should recalibrate your relationship OP. Just press a reset. Tell him you will do precisely as much as he does around the house. See what happens

Discotits · 02/07/2018 17:39

I hope this is all untrue. I’ve not read anything so depressing for a long time.

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2018 17:39

@Ryder63

Honestly - I just don’t get it. I’m a product of this kind of situation (ish) and my ‘father’ left before I was born. I’ve never met him. I’m 40. His loss.

I swore from so young my children would have a better story to tell and thankfully they do.

JamPasty · 02/07/2018 17:40

Love, this guy is textbook abusive. Honestly, cut your loses and leave him now. Your child will be so much better off without living full time with this twat.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 02/07/2018 17:42

Fucking hell this is horrible.

You need to cut out the middle bit as pallisers said.

Graphista · 02/07/2018 17:42

Bet I can guess why his ex dumped him - regardless of what he's told you of why they split!

He's a lazy selfish knob!!

HIS dd is HIS responsibility. And he should be supporting you and taking on more of the housework than you just now. No pregnancy isn't an illness but some women have a tougher time with it than others.

He will expect you immediately you're home from giving birth to do EVERYTHING and will call you lazy if you don't.

Time to put him straight in no uncertain terms. He needs to be supportive, pick up your slack or get out - you'd have MUCH less to do then I guarantee it cos you won't be cleaning up after his arse or doing HIS share of parenting HIS daughter.

Did you only move in together due to the pregnancy? After getting pregnant?

You are his partner NOT his servant!

The cost of childcare is BOTH of yours responsibility. Is your income after HALF childcare still too low? NO NO NO - he pays half childcare too! Wtf!!

Plus I think it's highly likely you're going to end up a Lp, either he'll flounce cos you're not doing what he thinks you should or you'll react due to exhaustion and kick the tosser out (hopefully) so going back to work in a relatively short time frame is more realistic to be honest.

How old was his dd when that relationship split?

So he thinks cos he earns/contributes more (but he hasn't taken into account adjusting for his being responsible for more financially as he has a child) that makes you his servant ? Er NO!

DO NOT have a joint account with this dick - he's all "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too"

In all honesty I think you're better getting rid altogether! Do you rent or is there a mortgage? Where do you stand if you split re home? Could you get somewhere to live?

At the very worst example of fairness it should be you both pay half each mortgage/rent, bills, CHILDCARE and whatever you each have left is yours to do with as you please, though actually DECENT men would account for his earning more, that you're in a bigger house because of HIS daughter you're not responsible for a full half of rent/mortgage.

"Lol Soubriquet not that this will help my case of staying with him but he's already said he'd work abroad to not pay maintenance"

GET RID NOW!!

Highly unlikely he'd actually do this, even if he did he's so tight anyway you're better off on your own.

I do despair of women getting into these situations! For any other young women in new relationships FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don't rush into things, preferably marry before pregnancy, at the VERY LEAST live with them a couple years before doing so - how they are when they're sick, when you're sick, about housework, money etc - you need to know BEFORE you get pregnant.

I started typing:
This is straying into financial abuse now.
Actually it IS already financial abuse, emotional and verbal abuse, gaslighting.

He is a selfish bastard! He will not change, you will end up doing everything for all 4 of you AND paying for the privilege - much easier to get out now!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/07/2018 17:48

Everything @Graphista said. With bells on.

Dodie66 · 02/07/2018 17:49

I’m really worried for you. If he is going to take money from you and put in his savings account will you have access to that money if you need it too. Is it a joint account.? I would try and sort that out if I were you. It doesn’t look good

81Byerley · 02/07/2018 17:52

My ex husband (who wasn't at all like your man)once came home, when I hade two babies aged 23 months and 7 months, looked round and asked "What did you do today? were you out?" When I asked why, he looked around at the mess in the living room, and obviously couldn't bring himself to say the words, and said "Well I wondered, because it's a bit of a mess in here." I very calmly said "I've actually done quite a lot, as well as looking after the kids". He pulled a face and said it didn't look as if I'd done anything.. For the next five days I did nothing except look after the kids and cook the meals. He would come home and wash the dishes, and eventually he said "Are you OK?" When I asked why, he said "Well the place doesn't normally look this bad". So I said "No, that's because I've spent the last five days doing what you accused me of doing....nothing". Never had a problem after that, and he helped more!

mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 17:56

Trying to respond but so overwhelmed with the support so sorry if miss any important questions.

He would go abroad - 100% he could be based anywhere with his job without even moving companies.

With regards to paternity leave I doubt he'll take much more than a week - he doesn't think it is necessary as babies are boring at that age.

Planned to live together but sped up process due to pregnancy.

I've just had some lovely messages in response to mine about being pregnant, ill and trying etc. and feeling like he doesn't appreciate that. His response is I am throwing a fit like a teenager. The house is not habitable for a baby (genuinely the biggest exagerration - the house is very clean and tidy by most people's standards, and I know seeing as my mum is a clean freak so it's not like I've grown up with low standards). Also said if I'm well enough to work from home (it's a crucial time of the year I couldn't call in sick) then I'm fit enough to discuss issues about the home. I'm also wheeling out the pity party.

OP posts:
cees · 02/07/2018 17:56

Oh my God, he is an absolute pig, why just why are clinging on to this foolish petty idiot? Have some self respect, leave him now. Or you could lay down by the door and let him wipe his boots on you because that's the way you are headed.

You and your baby deserve so much better, don't let him fuck with your head, he is horrible to you, please see that and know it's all his doing. A decent human being would take care and cherish you at this beautiful time not emotionally beat you down like this.

mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 17:59

I'm honestly terrified of doing it alone

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/07/2018 18:00

let him go abroad OP, let him call his bluff - move out now while you can

I am guessing the house is just in his name - and all the bills?

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2018 18:00

You’re utterly mad if you stay with him.

I phrased it differently originally but deleted it as it would’ve been reported.

Why not just pack your stuff and go now. Where were you before? Any friends or family you could stay with? Money for a hotel?

In your situation I’d pack a bag and be gone within an hour.

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