AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

[mama2be91]

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

*I do feel like he makes me really doubt myself. Whether that be cleaning the house or my ability to be a parent. He always says I've got a good deal with him and he does me a favour by paying more of the bills. He said that my only goal in life is to sit around and do nothing (not true, I'd achieved a lot before I met him and don't earn bad money etc.).

I can't tell if he doesn't know me very well or is trying to convince me that I'm that person*
The second one. He's trying to destroy you. Get out.

Also, he sounds emotionally abusive.

Get out now. Go to your mum's. Or (and I know it's a bit shitty for the buyers), could you stop the house sale and move back there?

He's trying to make you think he's better than you and that you should be grateful for being with him. Don't fall for it. He's just a lying abusive lazy cunt.

I’m honestly terrified of doing it alone

It’s got to be so much better without this person treating you like a worthless skivvy. Treat this as an early warning sign. Can you pull out of your house sale and go back there?

What rebel said

He is trying (and almost succeeding) in erasing you and replacing you with a confused scared robot.
Get the fuck out of,there

I've been a Lp 15 years my dd was 2 at the time - I had NOTHING. Our home was an army quarter so no claim to that, car was in his name, he emptied the accounts 3 days after I kicked him out for cheating.

With help from appropriate agencies I got a housing association house, claimed the benefits I was eligible for and started over.

I thought it would be harder alone - because he'd convinced me it would be.

Reality it was SO much easier being alone than with him - and that's without the cheating!

He'd convinced me he did loads - he did sod all!! I was doing almost everything plus studying and being mum.

BELIEVE ME you will have LOADS less to do without him.

If you post - either here or a new thread - on finances we can probably help there too. Also do you have family that can help?

Also check on entitledto, turn2us, cab site etc. PLUS you have a job!

YOU CAN DO THIS!

As he already has a child I don't buy for ONE SECOND he's not taking paternity leave cos 'they're boring' - it's cos he ALREADY KNOWS what hard work it is and is too fucking lazy to do ANY of it!

This man will not do night wakings, nappy changes, colic cuddles - he'll leave it ALL to you AND still expect you to do ALL the housework, run around after HIS daughter AND probably to have his dinner on the table when he gets in from his 'hard day at work' - my dad is shit - even HE Wasn't this bad when me and my siblings were babies!

If & how long you bf for is YOUR decision. Sleep, nursery etc JOINT decisions.

You are living in a toxic dictatorship.

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!

I don't want to sound negative, OP, but he sounds bloody awful. I think you're now finding out that you never know a person until you actually live with them? Yes, he might help out around the house, but he seems to talk to you like crap. Does he have any redeeming qualities? Is he kind, generous, playful? I suspect not, but I'll happily to be corrected.

Even more negatively, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? Have your child see him speak to you like that? Feel for years and years like you do now? It must be pretty bad for you to post about it on here? You know that his behaviour is wrong and that he doesn't really care. No-one who loved you would speak to you like that, expect you to take on his responsibilities towards his first child.

Do you know what my husband says to me when he gets in and I’m still in my PJs at 7pm, the house is a tip and I’m frazzled because the baby has been hard work? ‘What would you like for dinner? Shall I feed the baby? Do you want a bath?’

I’m disgusted with your ‘partner’. I had a terrible pregnancy (two actually) and barely did any housework. He took time off to look after me, a month of paternity leave, did all the school runs for older DS whilst I recovered from my section, still takes him to his Sat am activity and STILL says he feels like he doesn’t do enough.

He spent the weekend clearing the garden so the kids have somewhere safe to play.

All of my friends’ husbands are like him. He’s not a unicorn. Strive for better - it’s out there. Put this one down to experience.

Why did you get pregnant by this arsehole. You deserve so much better! There are men out there that will treat you right and want the mother of the baby feel well cared for because she is growing a whole human being.

You could try relationship therapy or otherwise I don't think that your relationship will survive. I even hope it won't. He isn't a good partner or a good role model.

I’m sorry OP, but he sounds awful. You have my very first LTB, and I don’t ever say that because usually it’s a situation that has some hope or can be worked on in some way. Having a baby is hard work, but I can see how your situation will end if you stay with him - you’ll be looking after 3 people, baby, his dd, and him, and you will come last. But you won’t have the energy to look after yourself because of the 3 people that come before you.

I honestly think you should start mentally preparing yourself for a life with just you and the baby. It’s less scary than you think it is. Or would you want your baby to be brought up in an environment where it’s mum is basically treated like a skivvy?

I’m sorry OP, but there really isn’t any hope for this situation unless you leave.

He is trying (and almost succeeding) in erasing you and replacing you with a confused scared robot.
Get the fuck out of,there

YES!!!!! he will destroy you.

OP, I did it alone. No DP or ex P or anything. The thought was terrifying and the reality was fine. Yes I had some support to start, my mum stayed for the first 3 weeks, but otherwise I did it alone. And I very quickly saw that it wasn’t that hard even in comparison to friends in relationships. Those in good relationships still sniped about who was more tired, about differences in parenting approach, breastfeeding, night feeds, co-sleeping, men getting back from work in time (or not), husbands’ hobbies. Not all of these issues and not all of the time but I could see that although there were times I could absolutely have done with a second pair of hands, there were plenty more occasions where being the only person in charge actually made life much simpler because my way was the only way and it was the right way. There is loads of advice on the internet, at baby groups, from health visitors, books, breastfeeding groups that you can easily access to help you make your own decisions. And you can keep your house as tidy as you wish. You only have your own chores and washing up to do. Honestly, it would be so much better than living in a house where one parent didn’t want to parent, took all the money and expected a skivvy, and the other parent was you.

He is textbook abusive. He is deliberately making you doubt and question yourself - the better for him to control you and keep you there putting up with his abysmal treatment.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it will help you see him for the abusive bastard he is, and how much worse it will get if you stay. It's an information course, either online or in person (the groups are great as you have support from other women, although you don't have to share anything you can just listen). It will also explain the impact his behaviour will have on your baby.

He will only get worse. He will actively stop you being able to bond with and care for your baby as a means of controlling and hurting you. That's what all this bullshit he's already started chatting is about.

Please don't stay from fear of leaving. Staying is what you should be afraid of.

You can give Women's Aid a call to chat things through if it would help. 0808 2000 247.

OP. Everyone who has responded on here is enraged on your behalf that this selfish partner of yours could be treating you like this whilst you're pregnant. He sounds absolutely vile and heartless.

You say you are scared of doing it alone. If you stayed with him you would be dealing with this shit along with a NEW BABY as well as running around after him and his daughter. On the other hand if you leave, you will only have to deal with a baby.

Financially he sees you as a cash vow who will go back to work when HE wants to contribute to HIS savings.

He's an absolute arse. And men like him only get worse. Please leave him before you have the baby because it will be much harder afterwards.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be strong and make a brave decision to not put up with this bastard one more minute. He doesn't care about you. And he will get worse.

What does "almost sold" mean? Can you pull out of the sale? Are you due a decent amount in equity, could you buy somewhere of your own?

Sounds like actually you're in a not bad position.

He's trying to undermine your confidence because that makes you easier to take advantage of/ABUSE.

Is he at all aggressive, are you safe physically?

He SHOULD be paying more of the bills as you are living in a bigger house for the sake of his & his daughters needs. If it were just you & him your bills would be less.

Gottokondo - couples counselling is NOT advised where there is abuse - and there clearly is here. Especially as this guy sounds like he'd be VERY convincing at making it all OP's fault.

DH and I adopted both our DDs. Both times DH took 6 weeks adoption leave, which included the 2 week transition from the foster carer to us and then 4 weeks post placement. He's taken time off to take DD1 for hospital appointments, for her eyesight and hearing and she's about to start therapy now.

Basically we're in it together as parents, which is how it's supposed to be. It doesn't sound like you're going to get that with your partner, I'm really sorry. You really shouldn't put up with how you're being treated.

Can you stop the sale and go back to your own home? Failing that consider buying another. Once this baby is born you will be financially trapped.

This man is not a father or a partner. He's an abuser. Get out while you still can.

Start putting your ducks in a row. Separate your finances and make sure you have access to any shared money and can withdraw it.You have money coming to you - do not let him get his hands on it.

He's giving you advance warning of what he is going to be like once your baby is here. Don't ignore it, for your own sake as well as your baby's.

Go to your mums, please. Is it too late to back out of the sale of your house, could you move back there? If you think it's hard/terrifying to leave him now, imagine how much harder it'll be when you're absolutely exhausted and vulnerable with a new born baby. Please, get out now. You don't want your son to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women.

You have not got a good deal with him, he's talking nonsense. And really, what kind of adult actually talks like that anyway?? Someone who's an abusive, gaslighting prick, that's who.

I did nothing, absolutely nothing, around the house for at least the first 3 months of dd's life. My dp cooked, cleaned, everything, and was working too because that is what a supportive partner does when you're constantly breastfeeding and trying to keep a tiny human alive! And he didn't once say shit like 'you've got a good deal with me' or point out how little I'd done because we're in an actual partnership and respect and love one another and he recognised how bloody exhausting it is being a new mum!

It will be hard being a lp, but you will feel so, so much better about yourself without this idiot grinding you down. You'll be happier, more confident and a wonderful mum in the long run.

You're at a crossroads OP. You have a golden chance to escape or you can choose the other way and put on the shackles and lock the door behind you.

Go to your mother's, life is going to get worse when the baby comes and you'll feel very vulnerable with a newborn.

My first LTB. Seriously. Get out. My DH retired last year and has uncomplainingly supported me for the past 10 months when I couldn’t find a job. I started a new job three weeks ago and he got me a car as I’ll be working shifts and will need to drive. While I’m at work he does housework and shopping. While he’s been ill the last few months I’ve done it. That’s what people who love, respect and care for each other do. There is none of this here. Doing it on your own would be far, far preferable to doing it with him. He’s a twat.

For crying out loud its 2018 and women are still falling for it. The thought of living with this pig when your baby arrives is unbearable. Your life will be impossible. Do some re-evaluating I beg you and try to work out how you can be without him.

Jesus H Christ OP, get out, get out fast, get out now!

Stop the sale of your property and go back there. Pack your stuff while he’s at work. Don’t give this cunt a chance to stop you. This is incredible.

Do not buy a house with him. Take your equity and get something suitable for yourself and baby. He is chipping away at who you are, eroding your self belief and already setting the scene to be abusive and controlling.
You are actually lucky to be in a position where you have no financial and legal ties to him as yet so can turn around and walk out. You CAN do this. You already have a job, and some equity. Do this for yourself and your child. I rarely comment on relationship posts OP but I wish you the very best. What you are describing is chilling.

You'll be alone anyway as his resentments will just get worse when you're looking after your baby, I can imagine him stomping off daily. Do you really want your child growing up with this arsehole?

You need to leave him OP. I’m sorry but he’s going to destroy you.

Why did him and his ex split up?