Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

233 replies

mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 15:56

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 02/07/2018 16:41

He sounds vile.

Get rid now. It will be so much easier to sort out logistically at 20 weeks than with a new baby.

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 16:42

LyndseyKola - I do genuinely think we do about equal. He does more in the kitchen but I do more in the bathroom. He hoovers downstairs I do upstairs. I do more washing but we each do our own ironing. I clean up more after cats. We both change beds etc. His argument is that as he pays more towards house (he earns over 3x as much as we are in a bigger house to accommodate his DD, so I think we do contribute financially proportionately/fairly) I should do more around house, be on his DD beck and call etc.

Don't get me wrong, I did no housework yesterday due to being bed bound, but it is rare that I have a day where I do nothing. I'm still very ill today but have had to work from home so have been up and out of bed, and will put the washing away, do all washing up that he has left over weekend, I'm going shopping this evening 'after work'. He'll get in, go for a run and then do nothing as he's too tired from his run.

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 02/07/2018 16:43

Given his attitude towards and perception of maternity leave and looking after a small baby I suspect he wasn't a particularly hands on parent with his first.....sounds like he still isn't as you seem to be picking up most of the slack.

There are so many red flags here...he will think you are at home watching TV all day so will moan at you if the house isn't spotless, he won't value your contribution as it's not financial so will moan at you if you spend money which in turn will make you very isolated. And I'd bet that even if you do return to work you'll still be expected to pick up most of the household and childcare responsibilities.

Also, what dad doesn't want to take the full two weeks paternity leave?? Doesn't he want to spend that time with you both bonding as a family? I'm afraid that probably tells you all you need to know about where his priorities lie. It broke my DHs heart when he had to go back to work.

ReadytoTalk · 02/07/2018 16:43

Honestly where do people find these waste of space assholes? Do you really think that he's going to be supportive when the baby arrives?

MissCharleyP · 02/07/2018 16:44

He’s an arse and it won’t improve. Also what LyndseyKola said.

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

HappyintheHills · 02/07/2018 16:45

Your life as a parent and your child’s life will be so much improved if you can get away and established in your own place before you have the baby.
What real life support can you think of?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2018 16:45

His argument is that as he pays more towards house (he earns over 3x as much as we are in a bigger house to accommodate his DD

Fucking ludicrous argument!!! You are having a child together, you are a family together. Money goes into the family pot. You will end up paying for childcare costs when/if you go back to work at this rate. Dire!

Grumpyoldwoman007 · 02/07/2018 16:48

Off topic but as a pregnant woman you should not be clearing up after the cats. Google toxoplasmosis. Pregnant women are advised to stay away from cat litter trays.

LyndseyKola · 02/07/2018 16:48

His argument is that as he pays more towards house (he earns over 3x as much as we are in a bigger house to accommodate his DD, so I think we do contribute financially proportionately/fairly) I should do more around house, be on his DD beck and call etc.

Ohhhh, fuck that.

He’s gonna hold it over you that you earn less than him? Well why did he choose you as a partner? Housework contributions should be related to hours worked, roughly, in my book, not income (eg someone who works 20 hours should do a bit more than the partner doing 40, even if they earn the same from their work!). Someone who works 40 hours on NMW isn’t working any less hard than someone working 40 on £100k!

Screw this guy. His partner is carrying his child and he’s being a dick about housework and pissy over text.

You deserve a guy who’ll respect you, and when you’re ill for whatever reason who’ll put you in bed and shout at you for trying to do housework while sick, who’ll organise alternative childcare for his DD to give you chance to rest and heal and who’ll surprise you with grapes or your favourite food/drink that he’s researched online as being good for nausea, give you a cuddle then let you sleep.

That’s just NORMAL behaviour when you love someone. It’s normal to do triple so your partner can rest, because you love them!

What’s good about being with this guy?

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 16:49

Blaablaa - he said the baby does nothing in the first few months so having those two weeks of is pointless. I am finding this sad tbh, he should want to spend time with his new son.

He will cover costs whilst I am on maternity but expects me to cover childcare when I go back to work. And then top up what I earn with an 'allowance' if I am short. His main concern is that he wants to save. So for example, if me working after childcare gives me £600 per month, his exact words were 'well that's £600 I can put into my savings'. Totally blind to the fact that £600 per month would leave me in minus.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 02/07/2018 16:51

Well, you can keep running the gauntlet or you can do something about this, OP. There is no AIBU here. He is obviously a prick. No one is likely to argue with you!

OfaFrenchmind2 · 02/07/2018 16:53

You do realise he is a cunt, right? He is looking at your relationship as a financial investment, and you as an incubator, and nanny for his kids.

Soubriquet · 02/07/2018 16:53

Seriously OP he isn't worth it

Least if you leave him he will have to pay maintenance

LyndseyKola · 02/07/2018 16:53

So for example, if me working after childcare gives me £600 per month, his exact words were 'well that's £600 I can put into my savings'. Totally blind to the fact that £600 per month would leave me in minus.

I don’t understand this: he wants to take your salary away from you to put into his sole savings account? Does he see this as you repaying the money he spent taking the finances over while you’re on mat leave? And what do you mean you earning £600 after childcare will leave you in minus?

He doesn’t sound like he even wants this baby tbh, if he’s that uninterested about spending any time with the baby and you after birth. Does he think you’ll want to be just left alone immediately to manage?

He doesn’t sound fit to be a father at all Confused I could forgive that for a new dad but he’s had a child already: he knows after birth you’ll be knackered and need support. But he thinks he can just leave you and go straight back to work?

How long have you been together? Was the pregnancy planned?

steff13 · 02/07/2018 16:54

It sounds like you're going to be going it alone whether he's there or not. May as well get out now.

mamansnet · 02/07/2018 16:54

Does he realise that cleaning up after the cat puts you at a very real risk of a toxoplasmosis infection? (Cat poo definitely, vomit not sure but still). VERY dangerous for the baby.

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a prize wanker. You need to sort him out ASAP.

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 16:55

Lol Soubriquet not that this will help my case of staying with him but he's already said he'd work abroad to not pay maintenance

OP posts:
mamansnet · 02/07/2018 16:56

he's already said he'd work abroad to not pay maintenance

You've just got my very first LTB.

LTB

LyndseyKola · 02/07/2018 16:56

He’d rather leave the country than support his child and his child’s mother.

Says it all really.

Hope you can reply to some of my questions, it’ll shed a lot of light on the situation.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/07/2018 16:56

It's really good that he earns a good wage. It will make it easier for him to afford the maintenance payments which he will have to pay when you leave him. And you need to leave him. He won't improve and may well get much worse.
Being a single parent is hard, but you will end up doing all the baby-related work anyway, plus a huge chunk of everything else. He isn't interested in being an equal partner and he doesn't see you as his life partner.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 02/07/2018 16:57

He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t respect you.

He’s a twat. Please leave him now.

user1486915549 · 02/07/2018 16:57

Why would you want to have a baby with a man who has this horrible attitude towards you ?
Words fail me on mumsnet sometimes

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 16:58

Sorry everyone trying to keep up with replying

Lyndsey - £600 doesn't cover my share of rent, car, petrol etc. He is saying that if I am paying £500 towards rent for example, that's £500 he can keep for himself and save, even if I wouldn't even have enough money to buy myself (or baby) something for £1 after paying, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/07/2018 16:58

Sorry, missed the bit about moving abroad to avoid maintenance. Speak to a lawyer about that, there may be something you can do depending on which country he moves to.

Blaablaablaa · 02/07/2018 16:58

I'm sorry but he is truly awful. Paternity leave is not just about bonding with the newborn but it's a support for you as well. Giving birth can be very hard and traumatic on your body and you will need support.

The childcare cost thing makes me incredibly angry. Yet another man who childcare is women's work. Sorry no.... The child is BOTH your responsibility childcare costs should be split proportionately. What a misogynistic arsehole. I'd leave him for that attitude alone.

If you're paying for all childcare where will you get additional money that you'll need to live??

Also, they way he is treating you while pregnant is a disgrace. I had a very tough pregnancy...DH picked up all the slack and let me rest.

Swipe left for the next trending thread