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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

233 replies

mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 15:56

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

OP posts:
XiCi · 02/07/2018 16:59

You've posted about this idiot before in the last couple of weeks haven't you? About you being really ill with morning sickness and he blasted you for not doing the housework?

He sounds absolutely vile. As pp said I think you're only options are to go postal on him and spell it out in no uncertain terms that you will not be a skivvy or to leave him. I know which I'd be choosing.

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 17:00

Lyndsey - been together for nearly 2 years. Baby was planned so to speak but happened much quicker than anticipated.

OP posts:
Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 17:00

Before living together we got on really well, things have massively changed since moving in.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 02/07/2018 17:00

Wow he's a royal cunt Angry

ScipioAfricanus · 02/07/2018 17:00

He has no redeeming features whatsoever.my husband did loads more when I was pregnant due to me being ill. We don’t keep score about who is doing hoovering or ironing or whose money is whose - what an exhausting and depressing way to live. You’ll be more lonely and exhausted with this man than without him, from everything you’ve said.

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/07/2018 17:00

To put this in perspective for you Op I'm 39 weeks and my partner is shouting at me for doing housework as says it's his job as I'll make myself sick. He is supossed to want to protect if not you at least then his unborn child - do not clean after cats its dangerous when pregnant.
So what that he earns more?? I earn twice what my dp earns and it's never an issue for housework as we work same hours. We split things that he tidies eg puts bins out, washing up, tidies away kids things etc but I clean eg bleach and hoover as he is dust blind!
Honestly just loose it and refuse. He will change or he won't but at least you will know.
Congrats on the pregnancy btw X

LyndseyKola · 02/07/2018 17:02

Lyndsey - £600 doesn't cover my share of rent, car, petrol etc. He is saying that if I am paying £500 towards rent for example, that's £500 he can keep for himself and save, even if I wouldn't even have enough money to buy myself (or baby) something for £1 after paying, if that makes any sense.

So he’d rather see you short of cash, while he’s doing great financially, than him contribute more/you less?

He would actually take the majority of your smaller wage (after you’ve paid for the care of your mutual child) off you so he can ‘save’, even though it means you haven’t two pennies to rub together?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2018 17:02

Flipping hell, OP. Every update is making him sound worse and worse!

Please tell us you're actually going to do something about this and move out before baby arrives.

Do you have friends/family you can talk to in real life?

Ryder63 · 02/07/2018 17:02

Did you think your getting pregnant would magically change this arsehole into a loving, caring partner and father to his DC? You are simply a domestic appliance and, as a pp said 'incubator'. His attitudes are disgusting. I don't know why you are with him at all.

LyndseyKola · 02/07/2018 17:02

I’m just trying to get my head around this because I keep thinking I must surely be misunderstanding if this is a man you’re willingly living with and about to have a child with.

Loopytiles · 02/07/2018 17:02

Don’t quit your job, as you will need paid employment when you leave this dinosaur.

Dljlr · 02/07/2018 17:08

You can do it alone. And if you stay, you'll be doing it alone anyway, just with a manchild and his DD to run around after too. He will add to your load, never relieve it. Go now.

KurriKurri · 02/07/2018 17:09

He seems to have no redeeming features - hopefully all will go to plan with the birth, and you will recover reasonably quickly - but even a relatively easy birth takes a lot out of you and you will need as much support as you can get immediately after the baby is born. If for instance ( and hopefully it won;t happen - but best to consider all eventualities) you need c section, do you think he is going to step up to the mark to help you, because you'll have had an operation and won;t be up to lifting, housework,or any of that stuff for several weeks aferwards.
Do you have any family who could come and help you out after the baby is born ? Personally I'd LTB - he sounds like a waste of space - but if you stay with him, I would discount him as a source of support and try to organise whatever help you can for yourself, so you at least have some help in the first couple of weeks after baby is born.

And I would stop running round after his DD - he's got a bloody nerve saying you can't be a parent when he expects you to do his parenting for him. He can do school runs and cook for her etc.

Newsofas · 02/07/2018 17:09

I agree with the poster above - do not quit your job. When you leave him ( as let’s be honest here he isn’t a nice person at all), with your salary and his mtnce you will be financially and mentally better off workout this awful man. To be his behaviour is controlling and he has told you exactly that he intends to financially control you.

Op you need to answer some of the questions that posters have raised. Why are you with him?

crabbyoldbat · 02/07/2018 17:13

I can put into my savings

"MY" - very telling. It's clear he doesn't consider you a family or an equal partner.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2018 17:15

He sounds appalling.
I'm sorry you chose to have a baby with him - was he like this before you got pregnant or has he started to get worse since?
Definitely agree that there are red flags all over the place here, and that his expecting you to just look after his DD from a previous relationship AND do all the wifework AND just get on with being pg, even when you're suffering, AND go back to work ASAP show what kind of uncaring twat he is.

Ugh.

SnartyFartBlast · 02/07/2018 17:17

Sweet Jesus!
You've just earned my first LTB!

Oswin · 02/07/2018 17:18

Hold on, he thinks you should pay for childcare, then put the rest into his pocket?
Fucking bastard. Get out as soon as you can.

pallisers · 02/07/2018 17:18

OP, I'm sorry but you have made a bad mistake in having a baby with him.

but he's already said he'd work abroad to not pay maintenance

He is a disgrace of a human being.

Too late now but you have a choice. You can move out and decide to go it alone now, get what you can in benefits, go back to work etc. Or you can slug it out for a few years of financial abuse, misery, being treated as a skivvy, having no access to his savings and house because you are unmarried and having your self esteem battered - and then be forced to move out, get what you can in benefits, go back to work etc.

I'd cut out the middle bit if it were me.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 02/07/2018 17:19

He is an awfuk, awful person. You’re pregnant, that doesn’t mean you have to stay. Do you really want your child to grow up seeing you treated as a second class citizen?

My dh is working a 14 hour shift today, I have done no housework or planned dinner because I had a fit last night (I’m epileptic) and my dh will come home, make himself something to eat, walk the dog and put a load of washing on. Because he loves me and doesn’t expect me to be his skivvy even when I’m well. Your “partner” doesn’t even like you let alone love or respect you.

You can and should leave. This will only get worse.

Stars1979 · 02/07/2018 17:20

Oh my life, I have a 5 month old and still don’t have time for much else but look after her. It is more than a full time job, day and night. He needs to wake up sharpish! No one can prepare you for parenthood but you will resent him pretty quickly once baby is born if he continues with this poor behaviour. He clearly has little concern for his other child as well not even making it home to spend time with her. Good luck!

CheesyWeez · 02/07/2018 17:20

So either just leave OP or tell him now how it is going to be and he chooses whether to stay or not.
LyndseyKola has it right, write down what you're gong to say about the equal housework and house rules now for the pregnancy / after the birth.
More cherishing needed. Equal time "off". Not cleaning up cats while pregnant. Paternity leave must be taken. Take it in turns to catch up on sleep. Contributing financially as a percentage of your salary, get a joint account where he, say, puts half his salary in, and so do you, half of yours, however much that is, and rent / food / childcare costs / car costs / come out of that. A review at each month end as to whether there was enough money for the bills... Think about what you'll accept. Write it down and if he doesn't want to do this (entirely reasonable) arrangement then he can leave. Sorry OP but you can start by saying that things have changed a lot in the last few months (as you told us) and you need to have a discussion.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/07/2018 17:21

Why on earth are you putting up with this shitty, inadequate man? Did someone convince you that any man is better than no man, and that once you have 'got' a man you must appease and worship him?
Start making plans to get rid of him now. Depending on who owns the home/has their name on the tenancy agreement, you want to either tell him to leave, or find another home yourself (if there is a mortgage, see a solicitor.)
Men like this, men who despise women, do not improve. He knows perfectly well that you are unhappy, and he doesn't care, because in his opinion you need to be trained, like a naughty dog, into smiling, uncomplaining obedience.

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2018 17:23

Why the fuck are you with him let alone having a baby with him?

ButterChickenwithyellowrice · 02/07/2018 17:24

You say that you have not lived with him long? has the level with anyone else?

How do his parents share the role? Maybe he just needs it explaining.