AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

[mama2be91]

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

So he's just wondered out to work leisurely after a lie in and morning run and left washing up for me, again, as I am still working from home due to pregnancy illness (I have been suffering from horrible headaches!). I started working at 7.30! He barely uttered a word to me before going after our 'chat' yesterday. Didn't once ask if I'm feeling better - am I being sensitive that he didn't or is that a man thing?!

I do worry that our parenting 'styles' will clash after having a chat with my mum yesterday. His DD said something very rude about a family member of mine and he didn't pull her up on it as 'she doesn't need parenting and I am creating an adult'. If she was my DD I absolutely would have pulled her up on it! Sorry, I'm feeling very sensitive this morning.

I think you know deep down what you need to do but you're still hoping that one of us will come up with the magic sentence you can say to him to make him understand. Sorry but he sounds misogynistic and horrible through and through.

When I was pregnant my DH brought me a drink of water and lemon in bed every morning without me asking. He then made porridge and brought it up to me , again without being asked, so I could stay in bed til the last minute before getting up for work. This man (I can't bring myself to call him your DP) doesn't even say good morning?!
He treats you worse than a random stranger on the street would .

And, sorry, he doesn't have a parenting "style". He doesn't parent. Full stop.

Oh please read through all the responses again and again. And leave him. Life with him sounds terrible now. and it'll only get worse from hereon in

You know deep down what you need to do, your mind is just processing it for you.

There is nothing in your posts that suggest he is either good partner material or good father material.

Get out now, before you are heavily pregnant or dealing with a newborn.

When I was really poorly my dh helped me bath and washed my hair for me. Ensured I drank, helped me eat and sat for hours watching me sleep (I’m epileptic).

I’ve said it twice and I’ll say it again your “partne does not like you, he does not love you and he does not love you.

You need to wake up and leave. Go to your mums.

OP please take the opportunity to explore your option today

• your work maternity package
• nursery fees for full time childcare
• how much tax credits you’d be entitled to as a single parent
• how much equity you’ll receive with the sale of your house
• budget and financial plan for the next 12/24 months for the scenario of being a working single mum or a non working single mum
• rough mortgage you could borrow alone
• properties available for rent/buy should you do it alone

Knowledge it power and knowing those things may empower you enough to realise that you CAN do it alone.

For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t tell him if I decided to leave either. I’d do it when he’s at work once everything has been planned

Op you need to get out of this ASAP. You need your mum to help you, personally I’d try and move in with her and wait for the money from your house. You are staying with you partner out of fear, but actually the way he plans to financially abuse you and domestically abuse you are the really terrifying things here.

All your DPs sound so lovely, I can't imagine mine ever being that understanding. His sympathy of my illness over the weekend lasted about an hour and then I got 'you're an adult deal with it, when you're a parent you can't just give up and lay in bed when you're ill'.

Mish - I'm not going to tell him anything, especially at the moment. I have lots of work to do before I feel leaving him is financially viable!

I think you probably need some time to process the fact that you have sleep walked into a pretty bad situation.

Everyone on here is fairly unanimous in their view which is unusual.
FWIW I agree with them, there are all kinds of red flags going on here and frankly I am amazed none of it gave you pause for thought prior to pregnancy - but sometimes we don’t always make the best decisions when we are in love

The hard facts are this will only get worse. If you want a lifetime on misery, keep trucking but in your shoes I’d be looking at how to shore up my finances and start planning my escape. The fact you aren’t married puts you in a very vulnerable position financially, once you give birth and he has drained all financial reserves it will be MUCH harder to leave. While it’s unpleasant to think about now, as probably all you want to do is bury your head and then enjoy your baby when it arrives... you can’t. You really need to think about it and address this ASAP before the baby gets here otherwise (pardon my French) you are going to get royally fucked.

And the idea you’ll only stay til the baby is 1/2/whatever is a load of old shit. You’ll have no cash to leave and he’ll grind you down and it’ll be 50x harder.

I’d also ignore the “I’ll change” BS he’ll spout should you actually start the process of leaving him. But appreciate it’s hard when you are pregnant and want to believe it’ll work out (sunken cost phallacy etc)

I really feel for you, OP. What a nightmare.

Please leave soon. He is going to whittle away more and more at your confidence and make it more and more difficult for you financially until he's got you feeling trapped. There's some good advice on this thread - I'd second the advice about the Freedom Programme.

What he says about going abroad may or may not be what he does, but I think he is saying that to manipulate you into thinking you're financially dependent on staying with him ... What other possible reason would he have for saying something like that?

Those who leave abusive men always wish they'd gone earlier and not subjected their children to the abuse so please, please take all the advice on this thread and leave him asap whilst you can.

Definitely don't tell him in advance. I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate - these sort of men like to continue abusing you through the children. Your child and you are far better to totally cut contact - you can do it alone, honestly!

Good luck with your pregnancy. I just wanted to add a scenario...if you owned half a house before could you afford to use your equity to either buy a flat to rent out and give you an income / buy a 1 bed flat to share with your son / buy a 2 bed flat and rent out a room to pay the mortgage? I have no idea of your finances etc but just some suggestions - it's hard to get a mortgage if you aren't working full time or have a childcare bill.

If it’s financially viable I would strongly recommend this option
“buy a 2 bed flat and rent out a room to pay the mortgage“
You can earn a fairly substantial amount from a lodger and it’s generally tax free

I'm sorry, literally can not cope. He sounds vile and controlling. You can do it on your own if you have to. He either needs to wake up and see what he's like or you need to leave. It would be a very hostile environment for your bubba otherwise.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's a very scary prospect leaving him!

I might try and have a conversation and be totally honest with how I feel, I doubt he'll respond positively but I feel it's worth a shot if I'm looking into options around leaving him anyway.

But what is a conversation going to solve even if you muster up the courage to have one with him? Nothing. You can do this lovely, I promise you that you and your little one will be better off without this monster in your life. He treats you worse than an animal. You’re carrying his child, he should be rubbing your feet and bringing you glasses of water. Not ordering you around and treating you so terribly. I know it’s scary, I really do. But you will be so, so much happier without him in your life. Lots of is here on mumsnet have been through what you’re going through and left. I say that to encourage you, not to weaken you.

You and your wee one deserve a million times better. Please please listen to us x

OP there is a thread in AIBU now called 'do I need to manage better or at I not unreasonable?'

If you want to know how things will look once your baby is born, read that thread!

I didn't have the patience to read the whole thread, as I got very annoyed at your DP. You should ask him to sit down and have a civilised conversation about your relationship. You should tell him what YOU expect from him as well and that having a baby IS a full time job and more. It seems that he's the only one making the rules and expecting you to do what he says / orders!
Excuse me, but he's a prick and I would tell him to hit the road and F off

OP - I think you need to leave now. If you wait until you've had the baby, it will be 10 times more difficult to organise.

Get to your mum's and then work everything out.

I would leave when he is at work. I wouldn't discuss it with him - just go. He sounds totally overbearing and impossible to have a conversation with.

Thank goodness you aren't married.

Don't have a conversation. It will just alert him that you are wise to what he is doing - abusing you emotionally and financially, grinding you down. He may improve a bit - but it will only be so that he can refine his tactics, and then he will start in again, more subtly, more cleverly, and it will be even harder for you to get out. Keep quiet and get everything set up for your escape now.

Op you say that the partners of posters on your thread sound wonderful. What you need to remember is that many of those same posters are on their second or subsequent relationships. Many have been married more than once. Not all of those relationships have been great. Many of us have been through similar to what you are going through right now. Including myself.

There's nothing to be gained by having a final conversation with him. He might turn on the charm then revert to his old ways once baby arrives. He is abusive. Men like that rarely change. This is who he is.

OP, as I (and many others have said) he’s told you who he is. Listen. He will not change. He doesn’t care. I’ve been there (thankfully not with kids involved), nothing I did/said/earned was good enough. Ever. My ex was obsessed with cleaning and thought I should do more - nothing was ever up to his standards. It was never ‘our’ home (rented due to his work, but that’s another story)I avoided arguing (and that’s not me) as he would scream in my face and be volatile for days afterwards. I thought the good times made up for it. They didn’t. His ex before me was a high earner and used to pay for them to go away lots as he was different then. I understand now why she left him, I wish more than anything I’d understood it before six years of me walking on eggshells passed by. He also thought my parents weren’t good enough and I’ll never forgive myself for the relatively limited contact I had even though they lived close. Be strong.

I've been thinking about what you said about not being able to manage by yourself (you did say that, didn't you) .
So imagine the baby is crying and you want someone (him) to take baby for ten minutes so you can get a break. He won't take the baby, he'll just tell you you're doing a crap job (which wouldn't be true)
You're hungry and don't want to put baby down because s/he is sleeping. You ask dp if he'll make you a sandwich. He says "lazy btch, you can make me a f*king sandwich"

And so on
I fail to see even a tiny part of caring for a small baby that he will make better. He'll only make all of it worse and make you feel like shit while he's doing it

I too vote leave now before the baby arrives. It will be really really hard to leave with a baby.

Move back to your mothers before the baby arrives and use the equity from the house sale to get somewhere of your own.

He is trying to erase your personality to nothing more than an obedient robot, but even that wouldn't be good enough for him. He will constantly move goal posts trying to get you chasing your tail to achieve the impossible.

When the baby is here he will try to erase your identity as a parent. Your parenting wishes will not matter, you will have no say in how to feed your own child, discipline your own child, when and where they go to nursery etc. All he will do is what he has been doing now, claiming you are a bad parent. I wouldn't put it past him to threaten to take your child away form you or call social services with a pack of lies. Truth is he doesn't want a child full time, he wants you doing exactly what he says.

Imagine if you do stay and he starts to belittle you in front of your own child.How is it going to feel when your child innocently but fully believing starts parroting his words about how you are a bad parent back to you?
He will do it. He won't care what damage he is doing to the child he just wants another stick to beat you with. That's why he won't allow his Dd to be effectively parented because he wants her messed up so he has another stick to beat his ex with.

He will quite happily hoover up every penny of yours, see your child with no food clothes or nappies and blame you. The child is in this state not because he keeps you short of money but because you are a shit parent.

He's done you a favour and shown his hand early enough for you to escape. Do you and your child the biggest favour of its entire life and run for the hills.