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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my DP isn't being understanding

233 replies

mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 15:56

Hello

Would like some honest opinions please as not sure if I'm BU or he is...

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first, not really showing yet but super tired, headachey, back pains etc. and was throwing up all weekend.

My DP and I haven't lived together that long, and I feel like all he does it moan at me about the housework, but I feel I pick up my fair share especially given that I'm 20wks gone.

We both work full time, but he always moans about things around the house and says I don't do anything even though I do most of the washing, I hoover, I clean up after dinner. I am working from home today and he has left the sink full of washing up for me to do even though I didn't eat all weekend due to throwing up! He implies that I can't be a parent because I can't look after myself!!! He does do housework too but I never moan at him even when I feel he's expecting alot of a sick pregnant lady. Just to add he also moans that I do nothing on days where I've ran around after his DD, doing the school run, food shopping, cooking her dinner etc.

AIBU to think that I do plenty???

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 02/07/2018 18:01

I'd be more terrified of doing it with him. Alone, you make all the decisions. Want to build up a pile of washing the height of the Empire State Building? Okay. Want to eat the penultimate Jaffa Cake and last one, then crack open the strawberry trifle? Fine. Want to co-sleep? Nobody else's business.

I couldn't imagine parenting with this man.

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2018 18:01

It will b harder with that cunt grinding you down. Why not have a chat with his ex? I bet that would be illuminating.

AskMeHow · 02/07/2018 18:02

Christ lady. Bin him off. Do it now.

Thank god he's showing his true colours now before you've had your baby and are vulnerable. This isn't going to get any better. You are much better off on your own.

Quartz2208 · 02/07/2018 18:03

But OP you will be doing it alone but with him chastising you and another child to look after

Butterymuffin · 02/07/2018 18:05

He'll move abroad away from his existing daughter and his new child to avoid paying maintenance. Says it all. Tell him 'Go on then'. He's relying on you giving in and becoming the doormat he wants.

Ryder63 · 02/07/2018 18:05

I'm honestly terrified of doing it alone

You are doing it alone now. And looking after HIS DD and HIS house.

CassandraLamontaigne · 02/07/2018 18:06

Doing it alone would be infinitely better than doing it with him.

He's not going to help with the baby. He's not going to help you. He's going to shout at you for not doing whatever housework he thinks should be done.

You mentioned up thread you wanted a happy childhood for your unborn baby. It is 100% not going to be a happy childhood if you stay with this prick. It's going to be an actively unhappy childhood.

Leave now

MardalaRhyme · 02/07/2018 18:08

OP leave!!! Don't tell him, plan your exit and go. Rally your support network around you. He is emotionally and already stating he is planning to financially abuse you, it will be harder once baby is here and you are trying to recover after the birth plus being exhausted.
Go now before it's harder to extricate yourself from this man. You may feel like financially it's difficult but being with him is no easier if he controls every penny of your joint finances.

notafeeling · 02/07/2018 18:10

Abusers show their true colours when women get pregnant and he has shown his. Can you leave? You had a life before him and he is not your whole world.

You deserve so much better. This is so upsetting. You and your son (congrats btw!) Deserve better than this dinosaur of a man. He will make your life utterly miserable.

Two years ago, I got out of a relationship with a guy like yours and it was awful for three weeks and then amazing because it hit me that I was free.

Honestly, leaving him will be best for your child. Do you want your son learning from him and growing up to treat you like shit on his shoe - because that is a certainty if you stay.

marymoosmum · 02/07/2018 18:13

New born babies might be boring but they are hard work and tbh it sounds like you are going to be doing it alone anyway, whilst looking after his daughter and running around looking after him. He wants you to feel that you can't leave and do it yourself, you can, go now, if not for your sake then for your unborn child's sake.

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 18:14

Pengggwn you're post is so right - especially with the cosleeping comment. Already he is making decisions on when the baby should sleep and where, how long he thinks it's good to breastfeed, sending to nursery etc. without asking MY opinion on any of this at all!!

OP posts:
Wilberforce2 · 02/07/2018 18:16

Please please get rid of him, I know you say you are scared of doing it alone but I'd be scared of doing it with him.

What will he do if you have a complicated birth and have a hospital stay? Will he visit or not bother because there is no point? What if you have a c section and need help with the baby, can't drive to or god forbid clean the house? Will he help or will he go to work and leave you to it but moan when he gets home? What if you end up with PND? I had it completely out of the blue after my second baby, mine started early because I couldn't bring myself to hold her or change her and I barely got out of bed/didn't leave the house. What will he do then? Will he step up and be the partner and father you need him to be?

I sincerely hope none of the above happen and that you have a straight forward birth but ask yourself what he would do. Could you count on him to be there? If the answer is no then you need to not be there now.

Sending love op Thanks

Blaablaablaa · 02/07/2018 18:18

He's a horrible, horrible person. Please leave him. Believe me it will be easier to do this alone than try to live up to his ideal. Already you're in a position where you can't even be ill and relax without feeling guilty. You don't need that pressure.

ThatsNotEvenAWord · 02/07/2018 18:22

I hardly ever comment on relationships posts... but please please please put yourself and your baby first and leave him.

RebelRogue · 02/07/2018 18:23

He doesn't want a wife or a partner.

He wants a maid,babysitter and lap dog. He says jump ,you are expected to say how high.

Tbh I'd be more terrified living and being dependant on a man like that at my most vulnerable than going it alone.

pointythings · 02/07/2018 18:23

Honestly, you will have less stress without him in your life. And what you say about him deciding how long you feed for, when baby sleeps - I'm sorry, but that is chilling. That is what you should fear, not being a single parent in a happy little family of just you and the baby. Run. Run like the wind.

Whipsmart · 02/07/2018 18:24

he's already said he'd work abroad to not pay maintenance

He's a disgusting excuse for a human being.

It really doesn't have to be like this OP. There ARE good men out there, who support their wives, who care for their children. Doing it alone is far less terrifying than the prospect of doing it alone, but with him taking your money off you to line his own pocket, whinging at you about the state of the house and monaung that you'#re not doing enough for HIS daughter! Imagine how nice it would be to not have to deal with all that on a daily basis!

Agerbilatemycardigan · 02/07/2018 18:33

There are so many bells going off here, it's like an alarm clock.

He knows how much work raising a child is as he's got one already. Although, going by what you've said, it's highly unlikely he bothered to do much after the conception. His child is his responsibility, not yours. No doubt when this baby's born, you'll still be expected to do everything.

He's already telling you who he is. Listen carefully because this is the rest of your life if you choose to stay. And believe me, it won't get any better.

Rozbos · 02/07/2018 18:41

Doing it alone will be easier than doing it with someone who has no respect for you. He thinks he's better than you and he will try to control how you live and parent. You won't be making the decisions for how you want to care for and raise your son. They won't be joint decisions you will be expected to do what he says. That's not how I would want to live.

Original poster
mama2be91 · 02/07/2018 18:43

I just don't know where I'd go - to my mums perhaps.

I moved into his rented house. We both own houses but both are almost sold (plan originally was to buy together). So when that goes through I am due some money from the equity.

I do feel like he makes me really doubt myself. Whether that be cleaning the house or my ability to be a parent. He always says I've got a good deal with him and he does me a favour by paying more of the bills. He said that my only goal in life is to sit around and do nothing (not true, I'd achieved a lot before I met him and don't earn bad money etc.).

I can't tell if he doesn't know me very well or is trying to convince me that I'm that person?

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 02/07/2018 18:48

He's not doing you a favour by paying more of the bills. It's the right thing to do. My DH earns more than me and we spilt the bills to reflect the difference in salary. He knows you well enough ... He's just trying to control you. He wants you to doubt yourself as this will erode your self esteem.

In no way is this a good deal. You deserve to be treated better.

RebelRogue · 02/07/2018 18:49

tell if he doesn't know me very well or is trying to convince me that I'm that person?

This. He's slowly trying to erase everything you are and everything you achieved so you're easier to control,manipulate and abuse. He's already done a number on you .

JammyGem · 02/07/2018 18:51

Seriously, don't stay with this man.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant with our first and have really struggled - DH has been amazing, doing the majority of the housework, and telling me off every time I push myself a bit too much.

He should be looking after you, and making sure you're OK, not moaning about you not doing housework. And his comments about paternity leave and how having a baby isn't a full time job are just massive red flags.

Get out while you can.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 02/07/2018 18:51

Trust me, you will do this a million times better alone than with this pitiful excuse of a person.

Troels · 02/07/2018 18:53

Unless you have exchanged on your house, go and move back there and stop the sale. It's sad for the people who are buying but you need that house.